[Contributor Desiree Kaur previous wrote ‘My Story: Beginning My Journey With a Special Needs Child‘. She continues to share the journey she is on with her son]

There is no parenting book or blog that can prepare you for the moment you have to utter the words “My child has autism”. A week after I received this official diagnosis, it suddenly dawned on me – What did I know about autism? The answer scared me: Not enough.

If only there was a how-to guide that magically appeared on my phone on demand, I thought.  In case you find a similar need to know more, I hope the following information and resources that I had to go through are helpful.

What is Autism?

Autism Spectrum Disorder – also known as ASD – is a development disorder where the brain doesn’t develop in a typical manner. Symptoms include repetitive behaviour, inability to develop social skills and difficulty acquiring language. There may also be a lack of eye contact and interests or obsessions with only certain things. The Raising Children’s website offers plenty of useful and practical insights on autism.

How is Autism diagnosed?

It can be diagnosed as early as 18-months by a Child Development Consultant / Developmental Paediatrician, Child Psychiatrist, Child Psychologist or Paediatric Neurologist. An assessment will be conducted with the parents and child. It takes approximately one to two hours. Parents will be asked about their family history, the pregnancy and the child’s development since birth. The specialist will also interact with the child. They will observe their behaviour and conduct small tasks with them before completing the assessment. The specialist typically provides a diagnosis immediately and recommends next steps such as therapy or any additional tests.

Levels of Autism

The level of autism determines how much support the child needs.  There are three levels of classification for autism:

• Level 1 – Requiring support
• Level 2 – Requiring substantial support
• Level 3 – Requiring very substantial support

For more information on these levels, read ‘Making Sense of the 3 Levels of Autism’

Occupational Therapy

Occupational Therapy, also known as OT, is usually conducted by a qualified Occupational Therapists (typically degree holders). OT provides a personalised approach to address concerns in the areas of self-esteem, cognitive, motor skills, and physical and sensory issues. While the diagnosis is already rendered by a doctor, the occupational therapist will assess the child in order to plan sessions that will be beneficial. Therefore, it is common practice for the first session to cost more than the follows ups.

Speech Therapy

Speech Therapy is also recommended for non-verbal toddlers with autism. It is usually conducted by a Speech Therapist or sometimes known as Speech Language Therapist (SLT). They are not doctors but specialists to aid with language learning issues, speech, listening and writing skills. There are even some who specialise in eating difficulties. It is important to note that not all speech therapists work with children, therefore remember to search for Paediatric or Child Speech Therapists. Similar to OT, the first session is usually an assessment and will cost more than follow up sessions. The Malaysian Association for Speech-Language and Hearing (MASH) publishes a comprehensive list of SLTs across the country here.

Early Intervention Programmes 

I define EIPs  loosely as kindergarten for toddlers and children with special needs. Most EIPs are designed as half or full day programmes, depending on the approach and centre. It usually incorporates various elements of Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy and Physical or Physiotherapy for children with special needs. Most EIP accept children from 3 years and above. Younger children require recommendations from an Occupational Therapist prior to enrolment. EIP also prepares children with special needs for primary school (typical or special needs schools).

What about a typical kindergarten as an option?

Yes, sometimes the doctor may recommend it depending on the child’s level of autism. Also, bear in mind not all kindergartens will accept children with special needs. There is always a concern about more severe cases where violent behaviour is present. Some kindergartens actually cater for both typical and special needs children, with occupational therapists kept on staff.  Some kindergartens do not provide therapists but are open to accepting special needs children on a case-by-case basis. However, before you visit a typical kindergarten, be sure to call ahead and ask if they accept special needs children.

Mummies, it is okay

My discovery, although uphill, doesn’t have to be for everyone. Only much later did I discover that special needs is more common than I realised, and all I had to do was reach out. Along my journey, I have become acquainted with some pleasant people who shared some of their experiences with me. There is still so much I don’t know and I continue to learn with each therapy session my son attends.  Yes, it is definitely overwhelming but I am thankful each day for a supportive family to lean on. My husband tells me to slow down from time to time and I am grateful to have someone tell me “It’s ok to slow down.” So, if you are a mummy new to autism like me, I would like to say “It’s ok to take a break and slow down.”

By Desiree Kaur

Desiree Kaur worked in public relations for over 8 years until she ventured into teaching. She now owns a tuition centre and spends most of her time with her 2-year-old son.

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Stay tuned to makchic.com for Desiree’s continuing journey with her autistic child.

The post My Story: Starting to Learn About Autism appeared first on Makchic.

I am a feminist. Loud and proud. When I got pregnant with my first son, my friends were tickled to see me lumbering around with a “penis growing inside me”. Twenty two months later, I delivered another penis into the world. So today Charlie, 8 years, and Neil, 6 years are my two joys, frustration, and loves of my life as I co-parent them according to my definition of feminist principles, in hopes to raise feminists. How do I plan to do it?

Questioning authority

One of the principles and practice of feminism as I have grown to know and love is the constant questioning of authority. It comes with an awareness of power and how those who hold power are able to abuse it. And as parents, the power we hold, is, scarily, absolute.

Many a times we bark and shout at our children and justify it as “They don’t listen, we have to shout!”, “We were in a hurry”, “They were driving me up the wall!”

So, as I plead guilty, I also plead attempts at rehabilitation through our Swear and Shout jar.

With his penchant for numbers and laser sharp observation skills, Charlie voluntarily took on the monitoring and enforcement of this system. RM1 goes in the jar whenever we mutter swear words, or ramp up the decibels. For him, it doesn’t matter if I am, as mother and chief cook, effectively the Mom Official 1 (MO1) at home. I still have to cough up. So does dad.

The only free pass is if a warning has been given before the shouting. For example, “Neil, I have said it three times. Stop trying to lick the Marmite off your cheek. Your tongue is just not long enough. Go and wash your face. If I have to say it one more time, I will raise. My. Voice”. The last three words said in a deep tone for maximum effect.

Painful as it is parting with the (loads of) money, I hope that through this, they are learning to question, do the right thing, and hold other people accountable. I hope that they will grow up to be boys who call out rape jokes, stand up against people calling girls sluts, and as they grow older, have the courage to make interventions, just like these two Swedish students. And perhaps one day, stand together with others who are making demands to end discrimination against them because of their gender, class, race and citizenship status.

Imagining possibilities

To me, the feminist movement has inspired women and men around the world to be more than what they are supposed to be. This reimagining of our world is also important where it comes to raising boys. The ideas that boys are strong, leaders, masculine, stoic and naturally aggressive is proving to be more harmful than helpful. Raising boys for me also means that they are able to safely express who they are, in the home, so that they have the courage to do so outside the home.

This includes crying. This includes feeling sad. It includes an eight-year-old’s attempts to work out the complexities of friendship with its heartbreaks and laughter. Or pushing Bunny in a pink pram in the park at high speed. Charlie tearing after reading that Cleopatra killed herself after realising Anthony was dead. Charlie wearing a paper crown proclaiming that “I am a queen! I am a queen!”. Neil wrapping his purple blanket around his waist, channelling Elsa and belting ‘Let it Go! Let It Go!…” This includes acknowledging Neil’s distress by not continuing to watch The Good Dinosaur after the scene in which Arlo’s father dies (I mean, seriously, Disney, I am still haunted by Bambi’s mom).

Really, it does not matter. What matters is that they are comfortable in their own skin and are able to have a healthy relationship with themselves and others.

It takes a village

Raising feminists is about critiquing, and breaking away from narrowly defined ideas of what is acceptable. It is not easy, against patriarchy’s currency of male privilege. However, thankfully, ‘nasty women’ and men are everywhere, building their villages in spaces such as the Amelia Bloomer Project that recommends literature with strong girls and characters; forums on raising feminists; and just parents reaching out to other parents, supporting each other in wanting their children not to be confined to set roles in their lives because of a penis or a vulva.

To these women and men, I will be celebrating International Women’s Day with you. Together, we celebrate our struggles and in solidarity, let’s rock the world.

By Tze Yeng Ng

Tze Yeng worked in advertising and  made a leap to work in the non-profit sector. Fourteen years later she is contemplating her next chapter. She does this as her two boys, eight and six, raise her with their daily lessons in love and laughter within their organised  chaos.  

The post Raising My Boys as Feminists appeared first on Makchic.

If you’re still basking in the glow of International Women’s Day, it’s probably a good time to ask ourselves why many people, including women, shy away from feminism.

For those of us afraid to call ourselves feminists, what exactly do you think feminism actually means? Hating men? Having a pushy and aggressive personality? Not being feminine? Having a tendency to be oversensitive, with no sense of humour?

Why Feminist, Why Not Just Humanist?

The myth that feminists are anti-family man haters is not only ridiculously inaccurate. It perpetuates a negative stereotype and stigma that hurts the larger cause. At the heart of feminism is just the radical notion that women are people deserving of equality. So it’s probably not the principles of feminism most of us have an issue with, but just the label.

Some may ask, “Why not just call yourself a humanist instead of a feminist?” “Wouldn’t it still be better to have a general movement toward all human beings instead of more specific ones like feminism? Doesn’t feminism create a divide based on gender that we should be working to diminish?”

Being specific does not mean being exclusive

Good answers are given to these questions by an article in Everyday Feminism , an insightful online magazine driving an alternative approach to the movement. The piece explains, “Being specific does not mean being exclusive.” Saying that we can’t have feminism because we should only focus on general human rights is like saying we can’t have oncologists because some doctors are general practitioners. Oncologists are specialist doctors who are more equipped and informed to fight cancer, and share their expertise with the entire medical field.

Be the change you want to see in the world

True feminism is inclusive, compassionate, supportive and powerful. In that respect, becoming a mum in many ways can make you more of a feminist, without your even realising it.

We talk to some special mums who practice a brand of “Everyday Feminism”. Women who not only want to live in a world where everyone is treated with respect and able to fulfill their true potential, but have also taken that extra step to act on their convictions to, paraphrasing Gandhi’s famous quote, “be the change they want to see in the world.”

Hartini Zainudin

Meet Hartini Binti Zainudin, 55, “a mad, single, full time working mum.” Tini, as she is affectionately known to friends, wishes she could stay home and be a bit more hands-on with her four legally adopted children. Her children are now 22, 12 (two boys) and 10 years of age.

Tini is a well-known child activist who works with children at risk who are marginalised and discriminated against. Her work focuses largely on children who are stateless or abandoned (foundlings) and refugee kids needing medical help. Tini admits, “I tend to gravitate more towards the mothers in the work that I do. I have an affinity towards single mums because I’m one of them. I know what it’s like. We’re not all that different except God’s been kinder to me.”

I realised that you can’t protect children if you don’t support the mothers too.

She was inspired to support mothers in need when she first started working with children, “I realised that you can’t protect children if you don’t support the mothers too. You just see what children need – they need their parents.”

Tini talks modestly about her very meaningful work, “I laugh when people call me the baby collector. I’d like to think I’m a protector of children but I do go around with a bassinet or my makeshift baby car carriage to carry babies home to their new families. I also take young pregnant mums for their maternal checkups or sometimes hold their hands during labour. After birth, I bring their personal needs, new baby clothes, milk powder and rice to their homes.”

Tini wishes for a community center catering to families in need, so that “we can all take care of one another.” She also hopes and works for better maternal care for poor mothers and their children, as well as better food, educational and medical services for this marginalised group.

“I help one child, one mum at a time. Why not help?”

What keeps her going during difficult times when her energy and personal resources are stretched is her passion for protecting the rights of children and their mothers. Her simple yet significant philosophy is: “I help one child, one mum at a time. Why not help?”

Her message to makchic readers who would like to support her work and start their own meaningful projects: “Go to our Yayasan Chow Kit website (link to www.yck.org.my) to look at the work we do and how to volunteer. I think people should see what they’re passionate about and volunteer first. Get a sense of what you want to do. Meet other like-minded people and learn.”

Claire Sancelot

Back in the 1980s, a four year-old child watched her parents recycle paper and glass in the French city of Lille. Today, that child is 41 year-old Claire Sancelot, Director of The Hive Bulk Foods and full-time working mum to three little girls – a seven year old and a pair of six year-old twins. The French National married to a Malaysian is also founder of Zero Waste Kuala Lumpur .

“Honey, We Don’t Waste”

Zero Waste is a lifestyle philosophy that encourages the redesign of resources and their life cycles so that all products are reused. Claire promotes this philosophy through The Hive , her Bangsar-based bulk foods store with the cute tagline “Honey, We Don’t Waste”. The store also serves as a platform for her other work that supports women and larger communities.

Claire shares that she started The Hive to “provide our customers with the best quality produce at the best prices; bring people a huge range of bulk food products; support Malaysian suppliers and producers where possible; to greatly reduce packaging and waste; provide customers with the best possible service; have a great selection of organic, gluten-free, Paleo and vegan products; and to support local communities and charities.”

Claire states proudly, “We are all about empowering women.” The Hive prioritises partnerships with businesses in Kuala Lumpur that are founded by women and single mums that include makers of soap, shampoo, laundry powder, detergent, jam, and condiments, amongst many other products. Their jam maker is a single mum of two.

“As women, we are often treated as second class citizens. Even animals receive better protection than us.

The Hive works with Tanma Federation, a group that empowers Burmese women refugees through handicraft. Tanma women make many products used and sold by The Hive, like its bulk bags and makeup removers. The Hive has sold hundreds of bags made by the Penan ladies at Helping Hands Penan. They also work with OA Organics, a community enterprise owned by the Orang Asli that is mainly run by women.

Claire explains why she has chosen to principally work with women owned businesses, “As women, we are often treated as second class citizens. Even animals receive better protection than us. If a woman beaten by her partner has nowhere to go, the police will still send her home. If it were an animal, the police would take the animal away from the perpetrator to keep the animal safe.”

“Women still do not have equality so our goal is to empower women as much as possible, give them work. Even though women make up half of the population, we still do not have real equality. We still do not have equal pay and our lives are more in danger. At home, there is a lot of spousal abuse. At work we face sexual harassment,” she adds.

“Your work should be your passion, I fully live my passion.”

On what drives her life’s work, Claire emphasises, “Your work should be your passion, I fully live my passion.” She encourages makchic readers to “buy products made by women, best if made by local women. If you buy your foods from supermarkets you will not empower anyone except large corporates. If you buy your food from places like The Hive you are empowering KL women. The way you spend your money has a massive effect on the community.”

Rohani Jelani

The words “feminist” and “kitchen” do not usually make a happy pair but Rohani Jelani, 59, well-known home cook and mum to three grown-up children aged 29, 26 and 23, debunks the myth that a “woman in the kitchen” can’t do much more than cook. In fact, Rohani is proof that we should keep women in the kitchen, simply because even the most educated and decorated of us are starting to realise that the kitchen holds the key to our wellbeing and harmony as families, communities and whole countries.

As a recipe developer, Rohani helps food companies to develop recipes that use their products in the best possible way. In today’s terms, this translates into recipes that are relative fuss-free and for the vast majority of the population. Rohani has always felt that eating deliciously and healthily go hand in hand.

“Knowing how to feed yourself is surely one of the most basic and important of life skills”

Rohani believes that food must not only look appealing but also be “approachable”, “You shouldn’t need to be a star cook to make it and to hunt down a load of exotic or expensive ingredients before you can attempt it.” So she likes to strike a balance between making a recipe interesting (because who would be inspired to cook a boring recipe?) but also practical (as readers will be turned off by complicated multi-step recipes with a long list of ingredients).

Rohani hopes that more people will get back into the kitchen to cook – even if it is just for themselves or for their families. She ruminates, “Knowing how to feed yourself is surely one of the most basic and important of life skills?”

“I never thought I would see the day when a woman would consider an expensive saucepan as a status symbol!”

She recalls the time when she first joined the work force in her early twenties, “It was still common for a woman to announce, with a certain degree of pride, that she didn’t or couldn’t cook because that told people that she had a far more important job. Fortunately, now the tables have turned. Thanks to celebrity chefs and food channels, cooking has become so cool and trendy that it’s no longer cool to be a dunce in the kitchen! I never thought I would see the day when a woman would consider an expensive saucepan as a status symbol!”

Rohani strongly feels that if there is one thing that could have a major impact in improving the health of our citizens, it would be bringing back cooking and nutrition into the school curriculum. She believes that if, by the time our young people left school, they had the basic skills how to cook and make healthy food choices, perhaps our rate of obesity and diabetes would not be as alarming as it is now.

Janice Tan

In ancient times, women never did it alone. We would have the support of a tribe, something that is often sorely lacking in our modern age. So, sometimes, feminism is about giving birth to a tribe that acts as a support system for others. Janice Tan, 43, mum to three children aged seven and six (twins) is the founder of one such tribe: the Twins and Triplets Malaysia Facebook Group. When she is not being a full-time parent (a role she considers the most fulfilling and demanding role she has ever taken on), she also works for the Australian property company that she co-owns with her husband, a company that not only provides opportunities for investing in properties in all major Australian cities but also flexible work opportunities with attractive packages for mothers, including single mothers.

“There was no warning that life would change so drastically.”

Like many others, Janice struggled at first with infertility issues. When she was blessed with her first child and eventually her twins, she found that her whole life changed. She shares, “I experienced happiness at one end of the spectrum but also exhaustion at the other end. There was no warning that life would change so drastically.” When she was expecting her twins, she had a very difficult time searching for specific information about twin pregnancies as well as breastfeeding and caring for multiples.

This motivated Janice to start the Twins and Triplets Malaysia Facebook Group in 2012 with the intention of helping other families like hers, in their blessed but also challenging journey of parenting multiples. The group now has almost 1,500 members and usually tries to meet face-to-face annually. Janice hopes to be able to continue to grow this peer support group organically together with her friend and co-administrator, Clare Wong and to keep it as a free-from-profit platform. She also has a vision of organising various events focused on education and parenting, providing work opportunities, financial and budgeting advice, and in some cases, counseling.

Janice believes that good support starts at home, just like any form of kindness. So she often encourages members of the group to lend a hand to help their spouse or family member, and to refrain from judging other parents for their parenting choices. She notes that parents of twins or triplets have a higher risk of post-natal depression. So, everyone should try to be kinder and refrain from responding to requests for support with harsh words and actions.

Start with a clear purpose and plan as a purpose-led project

Janice’s advice for those who wish to start a Facebook Group to support other women and families is to start with a clear purpose and plan. Janice feels that focus is important. Making an operational profit is justifiable but she has seen many projects on Facebook start with great purpose and intentions get derailed when greed gets in the way, bringing the original vision to a standstill. She also feels it is very important to acknowledge the contributions of the tribe. Twins and Triplets Malaysia is an idea she put into motion but she attributes its success to her friend and co-administrator, Clare and all the members who help to keep the group robust and relevant with their contributions and responses that support other members.

Shenola Gonzales

Shenola Gonzales, 41, is a full-time working mum to two children aged six and two. She is co-founder of The Good Shop, a social enterprise enabler programme run by MyInitium Sdn. Bhd. that will be three years old in May 2018. The retail pop-up shop is a retail aggregator of products created by social enterprises and NGOs. Their tagline? “Giving Opportunities Daily”. Shenola likens it to “a departmental store that does good by retailing products that make an impact on social, environmental and cultural causes.” For example, it carries products made by single mothers and women with disabilities (although the shop is all-inclusive).

Businesses built on empowering other women and mums

This helps these groups make a living and empower them with a sense of purpose and knowledge that their products are market worthy. Shenola believes that it is important to support such businesses as they in turn impact causes that include disenfranchised communities. The Good Shop also promotes its causes through the Direct Education Programme Activities (DEPA) that it runs.

The idea was first conceptualised when Shenola’s business partner went to East Malaysia and came across a lovely handbag made by a social enterprise. This product had too many commercial barriers to overcome to reach Peninsular Malaysia. Yet she realised that if it could be placed in mainstream malls, it would be more easily sold. Shenola and her partner decided very quickly that they wanted to create an all-inclusive platform to help social enterprises that faced similar issues. The Good Shop’s client list has grown from five to over 40 in a short space of time, and this includes many businesses built on empowering other women and mums.

With The Good Shop, Shenola shows us that even something like shopping can be approached in a mindful and meaningful way. That there are products made by social enterprises that are as good as mainstream products. Every time someone shops at The Good Shop, their money goes further as not only are they buying a product, they are also helping to sustain a business that has doing good integrated into its processes.

Social Enterprises are not Charities

However, Shenola emphasises that makchic  readers and anyone who would like to start meaningful projects need to assess if these are sustainable. “There is a common misconception that Social Enterprises and by extension, The Good Shop, are charities. They are not as they do business for good but also to turn a profit. It is important to ensure that projects create quality products that are profitable. Otherwise, it is not viable in the long term as good intentions are short-lived and do not deliver meaningful change.” Shenola invites anyone, both individuals and corporations, who would like to support or collaborate with The Good Shop to reach out to them at https://www.thegoodshop.com.my.

Feminist mums do what they do best and in the process, making life better for other women and their families. Do you know any feminist mums in your community? Tell us about them, we’d love to hear their stories.

By Li-Hsian

Li-Hsian left a career in corporate communications to become a full-time mum to twins. She is learning new things daily as she tries to balance the romance of motherhood with the messy realities of her latest role.

The post Mums We Love Who Practise Everyday Feminism appeared first on Makchic.

Congratulations, new mama – you’ve brought your beautiful new baby into the world. Sleep deprivation, feeding issues and stitches aside, you’re feeling pretty good.

But if you’re like most new mothers, physical intimacy with your partner – remember him, the love of your life? – has probably fallen by the wayside a little.

We ask public hospital obstetrician, Dr Kun Leng Sheng, about when (and how) you can start having sex again after having a baby.

Get the all-clear

Generally speaking, most doctors would give you the green light to have sex again around the six-week postpartum mark. This is also usually the time when the lochia – vaginal discharge after having a baby – stops.

But when you choose to resume relations also depends on your cultural practices, Dr Sheng said, with some ethnic Malay and Indian mothers observing a 100-day period.

“Usually, due to the pain, most new mothers don’t have the desire to have sex,” she said.

If you’ve had an episiotomy or a tear and stitches, Dr Sheng said it generally takes around 10 to 14 days to heal. Any slow-to-heal sutures or infections would usually be picked up by a nurse or doctor in the first two weeks.

If you and your husband are both keen to get intimate again, the best thing you can do is to ask your doctor or nurse directly.

“Talk to your healthcare professionals,” said Dr Sheng. “They can help you ease your anxiety for when you choose to resume sexual activities.”

Take it slow and lube up

Tempting as it is to try and do the deed as quickly as possible in case baby wakes up for a feed, you’re not doing anyone any favours.

As unromantic as it sounds, try to schedule time for sex after a feed especially if you’re breastfeeding – engorged boobs leaking milk isn’t very sexy. Not to mention, vigorous movement can be painful.

Take your time to get in the mood with candles, a gentle massage, lots of kissing and touching. Dr Sheng urged new parents to spend a little bit longer on foreplay than you would pre-baby.

If the thought of anything near your downstairs region makes you seize up with fright after pushing out a melon-sized human, you’re not alone.

Fear or worry doesn’t do you any favours in terms of natural lubrication though, especially if you’re still breastfeeding. The hormones released while breastfeeding can also make you drier down there, making sex more painful.

Dr Sheng suggested new parents pick up personal lubricant at the pharmacy – they’re usually right there next to the condoms, which brings us to the next point…

Remember contraception

Even the most maternal, clucky mother in the would would baulk at the idea of having two babies under 12 months (who aren’t twins).

Dr Sheng urged new parents to sort out contraception sooner rather than later because of the toll it would take on the new mother and her children.

“The mother’s body needs time to recover in order to prepare for another pregnancy in terms of iron storage and the like,” she said.

“If the spacing is poor, in subsequent pregnancies, the mother can be at risk of anaemia, low birth weight of the baby and a higher risk of preterm delivery.”

Dr Sheng also cautioned that there could be other effects on the newborn baby, including missing out on breastfeeding as well as attention and bonding with its mother.

She said generally, at the six week postpartum check, most doctors would have asked about contraception.

“If you’re exclusively breastfeeding your baby and not mixing with formula at all, what is called the lactation amenorrhoea method – a temporary contraception method – usually lasts for around six months,” said Dr Sheng.

“However, if your baby is not fully breastfed, your menses should return after delivery, and by four weeks postpartum we would advise you to use other forms of contraception.”

The type of contraception you choose can be hormonal, such as oral contraception, injections, implants or an intrauterine contraceptive device like the copper IUD, or barrier form, like condoms.

“For oral contraception, a doctor would usually suggest a progesterone-only pill and not the combined estrogen/progesterone pill. This is because estrogen may affect breastmilk production for lactating mothers,” said Dr Sheng.

Not ready? No rush

Mama, you’ve been pushed to the limits and the only person who really knows when you’re ready to have sex again is you.

There are so many factors at play – your physical condition, your mental health, whether you feel supported – so don’t rush into it. Talk to your husband about how you’re feeling.

If things don’t feel right, Dr Sheng suggested talking to your doctor.

“We need to find out from mothers why they’re not ready to have sex – is it because of fear, being too busy, or experiencing pain? Or is it because of reduced libido, or postpartum depression?” she said.

“Usually, Asians are not really open to discuss (depression) but if it is, they should seek psychiatric help.”

The post Keeping It Real: Sex After a Baby appeared first on Makchic.

Nine months have passed and it’s just a matter of time before you step into uncharted territory – becoming a new dad. All of a sudden, you’re getting butterflies in your stomach.

“Am I ready?”

“How do I know if I am?”

“How do I know if I am not?”

Well, good news, daddies-to-be, makchic has your back.  We surveyed fathers from all over to bring to you the top ten tips for new dads, by dads.

1. Always look out for Number One

Your duty as a father has just started. You can be forgiven if the last 5 photos you’ve taken are of your newborn. However, dads – new and old – should always remember the person who bore the burden of carrying their babies for 9 months. Her body went through so many changes and such great pain to bring your little one to life. Yes, the MOTHER. We have talked to many dads, and they all agreed that new mothers need all the help they can get. Get them the best confinement food. Make sure that they are comfortable with their surroundings. Tan Kek Yoong, a father to a daughter, says a happy mother makes a happy family, and we cannot agree more.

2. Life is not a Social Media feed

As we live in the age of social media, our timelines are often filled with posts of cool parents doing cool stuff with their cool kids. We’re here to tell you to wake up and smell the soiled diaper. “It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, and life with a new baby as depicted by social media or television may not be 100% accurate,” says Aman Zenni, a dad of a daughter and son. Behind every post of a cute new-born baby is the never-ending cleaning up of liquids coming out from their mouths and bottoms. So, get ready to get your hands dirty, literally. Also, expect the unexpected. Saiful Adib, a father to a boy and a girl, says: “Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. So, just mentally prepare yourself for the worst for when it happens, you will think that it wasn’t too bad!”

3. “Sometimes you have to run before you can walk”

Speaking of getting your hands dirty, do not be afraid to get down to the nitty gritty. Reading parenting materials is one thing, but there is no substitute to learning something than to do it yourself. Cherish your first diaper change. Embrace the moment you measure the temperature of the bath water for the first time. If you’re unsure of how to do something, don’t be afraid to ask. There is no such thing as a stupid question when it comes to parenting. Take pride in learning all you have to learn, whether it is learning how to cook nutritious food for your family, or partaking in an infant first aid course.

4. Love your child for who they are

As the saying goes, a child is a gift. Some couples do not have to wait long to know that they’re going to be parents. Some go through years and various treatments for a chance to become one. When your newborn eventually arrives, they are yours and yours alone. Azamil Izzat, a father to a daughter, tells us that each child is unique and that is the only thing worth celebrating. To compare your newborn to any other babies would be unfair to a few people, and especially your own child. Embrace what you have and know that your newborn needs you, not another dad. Contentment is a wonderful thing.

5. Establish credible sources of information

It can be a very chaotic and confusing time, as babies can fall sick and things can happen in an instant. A cold can progress into something more serious. Mummies may have their hands full, so dads can be the go-to researcher and troubleshooter in times of need. Identify one or two doctors (or doctor friends) you can call up quickly for advice, and subscribe to websites that are dependable and informative. Father of 3, Jasbir Singh says: “We identified a general practitioner for quick access and a reliable pediatrician. These really helped in giving us some direction on what to do or who to ask, and establish timelines for reacting to illnesses – so that we didn’t overreact.”

6. Make time for your loved ones

A newborn not only turns people into parents. They also turn some into grandparents, uncles and aunties. They all want a share of the happiness. Getting the family involved can be beneficial in the long run. You may need help in the future and who better to turn to than your own flesh and blood? Mohd Ezad, a father to a one-year old son, said “Plan and spend your time with your parents and in-laws equally. There’s no better joy you can bring and share with them than the sight of a grandchild.”

7. Invest in your child’s future

Mohd Azfar Ridhwan, a father to two daughters, tells us that 18 years might look like a long way to go but it’s never too early to chart a bright path for your child. Starting as early as possible will put your child in good stead. There are plenty of options out there. Some even provide additional savings of up to RM500, plus insurance protection. You might have a headache in choosing which one you would prefer now, but you will have the peace of mind later in your life.

8. Keep that pillow close by

One of the guarantees that comes with being a new parent is that they will be deprived of sleep. It’s very easy to argue with your other half about who had the most sleep. Instead of going down that route, be supportive of your partner. You can even discuss this before the child comes – set the expectation between yourselves, agree on an outcome and stick to it. It does sound silly – negotiating how long one should sleep, but it’s important that both parents take turns to be well-rested and alert when taking care of your newborn.

9. Keep your wallet thick

New parents tend to go crazy with buying cute dresses and attire. Sure, they will look cute but it’s entirely possible that they will outgrow those clothes before you even know it. A normal baby can double his or her birth weight within the first six months. Keep it practical as babies will not warn you when they wish to go to the toilet. One of our seasoned dads says the best time to buy nice, trendy clothes for your new child is at 11 months, as that is when the growth rate steadies.

10. Just enjoy it!

Parenthood is a natural passage of life.  Sure, the thought of having to raise your little one is daunting but it will be exciting at the same time. The things that you will go through with your new child will be stories you tell at family gatherings and weddings. So before and when they happen, enjoy the process, embrace the experience and cherish the moments.

Congratulations and good luck, dad!

You may also like to read: 

Hands-on Father: I Wrote a Letter to My Meddling Parents, Asking Them to Back Off

So, what’s a good father?

Hey Fathers, We Like You a Lot

The post Hands-on Fathers: Top Ten Tips and Advice for New Dads, by Dads appeared first on Makchic.

Many parents are increasingly aware of the need to care for the environment and to teach our kids to do the same. But it isn’t always easy for parents to be environmentally friendly. So, this Earth Day, makchic asked an expert on the matter, Yasmin Rasyid, to provide some tips and share her thoughts on green living.

Yasmin is chairperson of EcoKnights, a not-for-profit environmental organisation that promotes sustainability through community-centric programmes and activities focusing on education, empowerment and skills development. A Duke University alumnus, Yasmin is an accomplished speaker on environmental issues, and is currently pursuing her Ph.D. and conducting research in the field of sustainability science.

Parents’ Guilt – Environmentally-unfriendly practices

Yasmin understands the challenges parents face and their guilt at using products like disposable diapers. When asked what she would say to such parents, she answered, “I can’t blame them. There isn’t much choice especially if you’re from the low income bracket. Some green products can be pricey. Cloth diapers, which were common before, are now rare as mothers prefer to use disposable items.” Yasmin said lifestyle changes – with mums often being on the go – also leads to the tendency to use more disposable items such as baby wipes instead of handkerchiefs.

Even in such situations, there are other ways to minimise environmental impact, such as sourcing for local food produce. “Local food would have travelled less than imported food, hence a lower carbon footprint,” said Yasmin. There are really so many ways to learn about being eco-friendly, with the internet, and many easy mobile applications available about learning to be green. “The question,” she said, “is whether parents are motivated to be green. As adults, we often claim we don’t have time, except for things that interest us or reward us.”

What are your values?

Yasmin offered that rather than learning “new” green things, it is important for each person to revisit their own religious or spiritual values. “I feel the basic and essential values we have in common are quite universal and stress on being respectful to people and the planet, to be less wasteful, and to be more caring and responsible towards humans and nature. If any parent wants to start being greener, it is good to go back [to these values], as they are the catalysts to living sustainably.”

What’s evident is that parents make a big difference in setting the right kind of habits and attitudes in their children. “Parents need to acknowledge that their actions and words are observed by their child,” said Yasmin. “Kids need to have the avenue to converse with adults, and conversations lead to more understanding. It’s important to engage, not just to instruct.”

Children are Better Learners

Yasmin said that kids were “hands down”, more receptive towards the message of protecting the environment compared to adults. “Kids are fearless, and they expect to learn something new,” she said. “Adults on the other hand, are sceptical, and on guard.”  “Kids’ vulnerability makes them better learners. My mission to raise a generation of sustainable Malaysians always starts with kids.”

She said one of the main challenges is that there was little emphasis on learning about nature, or outdoor education, in Malaysia’s formal curriculum. There is a lot of emphasis on grades and [subjects like] robotics or mathematics, she says, but little effort on going out there to explore and play.

“I did more of this in school and it helped nurture our eco-instincts from a psychological and philosophical aspect. I get many requests from parents for nature-based activities on weekends and especially during the school holidays. There seem to be a lack of such activities available for children.”

Green Spaces

Studies have been conducted about ‘nature deficient disorder’, something Yasmin said was more prevalent in younger generations today. This disorder stems from a dissociation from environment- and nature-based activities, which results in a cascade of emotional, physical and psychological impacts on the growing child.

She said perhaps a support group for parents was needed to help organise activities outdoors with children. “We need to reinforce the need for nature-based activities for both parents and children to be involved in together. There’s a lot of room for working on creating such platforms and I hope the popularity of such initiatives will grow.”

Outdoor activities would not be possible, however, without green spaces. “We need spaces such as playgrounds, parks, urban farms, streams and rivers. For every neighbourhood, developers should ensure that a sizeable green space is created to benefit the residents,” Yasmin said.

Encouraging Steps

Yasmin said she had been encouraged seeing the difference in some of EcoKnights’ participants and beneficiaries. Seeing the rise of more communities fighting for a sustainable future today has been an all-time high for her. “Be it protecting green spaces, of enforcing a localised recycling effort, I think the time is now, where we will see more community-driven efforts towards sustainability.”

Here are some of Yasmin’s practical tips for parents and her sharing on challenges and encouraging moments in raising awareness about the environment.

Practical Tips on Caring for the Environment

Food preparation

I strongly advocate breastfeeding. I breastfed each of my two daughters exclusively for two and a half years. This meant I did not use bottles and powdered milk, which comes in tins with plastic lids. By breastfeeding, I avoided the carbon footprint from the logistics and transportation of the milk product from factory to shelf.

If every mum could breastfeed for at least six months to one year, we would have less waste. Also, mother’s milk is more wholesome for a growing infant. Additionally, this helped me save money too.

Household products

I use [eco-friendly products] for doing the laundry and for household cleaning. I also use home-made eco-enzymes for cleaning oily areas in the kitchen.  For myself, I avoid using a lot of chemicals on my skin, from perfume to lotion, and use more organic body products. I didn’t dye my hair throughout both my pregnancies, and actually haven’t done so since 2000.

Lifestyle

I’m a big pre-loved fan. Many of my second child’s clothes are from my eldest daughter, which were kept very well. Items like baby cots and strollers were mostly hand-me-downs. I’m not a fan of buying expensive or new items, after all, the kids grow up fast. I guess I am not embarrassed about not having new things, although many first-time-mums prefer for things to be brand new. I am a pretty basic person, which I probably inherited from my mum and her mum.

Interview by Ding Jo-Ann

Ding Jo-Ann is a full-time mum, part-time writer, and once-upon-a-time lawyer.

The post Earth Day 2018 [Interview]: Green Living with Environmentalist Yasmin Rasyid appeared first on Makchic.

The Single Mum:

Queen of Cosplaying Balances Passion with Single Parenting

Many Malaysians are ardent followers and fans of our very own homegrown makeup artist, Saraswati Suharto. She has gained international stardom for smashing boundaries of makeup cosplaying by using the hijab as part of her outstanding looks.

The talented artist whose famous works include transforming herself to Disney characters like Ariel from the Little Mermaid and Cinderella, takes a lot of effort and goes to great lengths to create her looks.

To unsuspecting onlookers, she may look like someone who has plenty of time to spare because of her detailed work.

Terrified kids

Many, however, do not know that Saraswati, who proudly showcases her skills to the world as the ‘Queen of Luna’ on Instagram, is a single mother. She goes through the same struggles of motherhood just like any other mother out there.

The mother of two boys, Isfahan, 8, and Israfeel, 6, said despite creating her time-consuming cosplay looks, her children remain her number one priority.

“It was very difficult at first. I was the one doing the cooking, feeding and cleaning.

“The only time that I get to create my looks are when both my boys are away at school. When they are at home, I just spend time with them, doing mother-son stuff. I also have to help them with their homework at night,” she said.

Saraswati said her children’s initial reaction to her makeup looks was so crazy because they were frightened by some of them, especially her scarier roles.

“I usually do comic book villain makeup looks a lot. That requires me to wear contact lenses of various colours including red and pink. When my kids were slightly younger, they would get terrified with the looks and start crying.

“I guess they were confused as to why their mum looked so scary with different coloured eyes. It was tough for them to watch my looks. But it’s all good now.

“They understood that it is all just makeup and props, and after the makeup is washed away, they get their mummy back,” she said.

Uphill task of single parenting

Saraswati said life as a single mother is that much more challenging.

“Taking care of myself and two young kids who weren’t able to express their needs yet was a tough experience.

“As a single parent, I tried my best to impart the right values at home. I also learnt not to complain much because I am grateful for them. Being a mother is so worth all that difficulty. It has made me more mature and strong,” said the 36-year-old.

Saraswati said her role model when it comes to parenting is a cartoon character called ‘Nicole Watterson’.

“Even though she is just a cartoon character, she is very motherly. When I see her as a mother, I secretly want to be like her. Fierce, loving and badass!” she said.

Saraswati said the biggest lesson from motherhood was learning to appreciate every single thing in her life because she believes everything happens for a reason.

“Motherhood simply taught me to express gratitude for the small and simple things, as well as the bigger things.”

Breastfeeding and co-sleeping

To Saraswati, the sweetest thing throughout her motherhood journey was the chance to experience breastfeeding.

“I bonded more with my children when breastfeeding them. I also loved co-sleeping with my children when they were younger. The mother-child bond was so strong during the years when they were younger. They grew up so fast,” she added.

Saraswati has a message for all single mothers this Mother’s Day.

“Some of you may think that being a single mother is very difficult, but once you look at it as a blessing in disguise, you will begin to realise your true inner strength.

“Never ever give up. Instead, be strong for your kids. Our children are the most precious gifts to us and they can never be replaced. Cherish the time with them,” she said.

All pictures courtesy of queenofluna

Story by: TK Letchumy

Special Needs Motherhood

Mothering children who have special needs

Pleasance Chong is a 41-year-old mother of 2 who works from home. She miscarried her first born, and her two kids, Elyse and Darius are both kids under the autism spectrum. Here she talks about being a mother with her 2 wonderful children.

With your first diagnosis, how did you know? Gut instinct?

When my daughter was 18 months old, she become very withdrawn and stopped making eye contact with me. From a bubbly, babbling, friendly little toddler to complete silence, It was incredibly puzzling and heartbreaking for me. She wouldn’t even respond to her own name. I knew then something was wrong and pointed it out to our paediatrician, and we went in for evaluations.

Over the years, we’ve seen the special needs community grow tremendously and I’m really thankful for the awareness and support from society.

Do you worry about their future and how do you plan for that?

Not knowing what the future brings has brought me a ton of anxiety over the years. But I made a resolution to embrace the fact that my job is to prepare my children for a future without me. My role everyday, aside from normal mum roles, is to be a mind-reader, therapist and trainer, to prepare them with the necessary life skills in order for them to gain independence as they grow. It took me 3 years to teach my daughter how to shower herself. At 6, my son is still not able to fully use the toilet because of sensory difficulties.

I have to take a step back whenever I feel like ‘rescuing’ them from a difficult task or situation, as every experience is a teachable moment. I try to let them pay for items at the shop, so they know that you have to trade money for food. My daughter is mostly non-verbal so it has been a rather difficult task for us, especially since she wants to be independent now. Safety is another challenge, and that takes a lot of years to get the message through to them. However, we try to expose both our children toget them used to crowds, and let them explore slowly at their own pace.

My husband and I are working on a financial plan for our kids. We’ve attended a number of talks and spoken to experts in the field in regards to trusts, and setting money aside for them safely.

Your best Mother’s Day celebration with your kids.

We don’t usually have big celebrations, but my favourite one was in May 2007, a month after my rainbow baby, Elyse, was born. It was an incredible dream come true, and I felt so humbled and loved that I was given such a huge blessing.

What is the biggest lesson that motherhood (or a motherhood role) has given you?

Motherhood has taught me that I have to grow up, to take on responsibilities that would otherwise terrify me. When my daughter was a newborn, I struggled for a little while as I was far away from home with no support. But it taught me to grow up and into my role as a mother. But being a mom to two very spirited and unique children have taught me to manage my expectations. Every small victory is a reason for celebration. My children have taught me to love unconditionally, and to always be grateful for everything we’ve been blessed with.

Describe the memory that comes to your mind when you think of the best day or the sweetest day in your motherhood journey.

There have been so many, but one in particular stands out. And that was when my kids called me ‘mummy’ for the very first time, Elyse when she was 9 years old, and Darius, at 4. The first time, I was so stunned that I couldn’t speak and then tears of joy just spilled down my face.

Until today, I will drop everything when they call for me.

What is your wish or advice for other mothers out there for this Mother’s Day.

My biggest wish for all mothers out there, for this Mother’s Day and always, is that they take care of themselves first and foremost. Too many mothers give so much to their children, their husbands and families, that they deplete themselves of everything. I was one of them, but the loss of my first baby Cordelia changed that.

Take time out for yourselves, even if it is just two hours away to enjoy a cup of coffee and a book. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Remember to care for your body – workout to build your energy and strength so you can tackle mummy roles better and be mentally stronger to deal with challenges.

Lastly, nourish and cherish your relationship with your husbands and partners. Protect your marriage as it is the foundation in which your whole family is built on.

Pictures courtesy of Pleasance Chong

Story by: Nadia Nizamudin 

The Foster Mother:

Mak Linda takes care of 93 kids, just like her own

Mothers around the world know how challenging motherhood can be. Raising a child, or even two, usually drains the energy out of them and leaves them exhausted by the end of the day.

Now, imagine raising (or chasing after) 93 kids. That is what Haslinda Dol Hamid, 46, has been doing for the past 14 years.

Mak Linda, as she is fondly called, has been the warden of Rumah Titian Kaseh from 2004.

‘Mother’ to 93 kids

For the 93 kids in the house, she is the only ’mother’ they have known all their lives.

Mak Linda’s presence in the house was not a coincidence. After the sudden death of her husband when she was just 30-years-old, Mak Linda had nobody to depend on. With three kids in tow, life was very difficult for her.

“I was brought to this home by a kind soul who understood my struggles. When I came here, I made friends with the other single mothers and started spending time with the orphans and abandoned kids,” she said.

Soon after, she began taking charge of tasks at the home, beginning with cooking.

“I was in a group tasked to manage the kitchen. We cook the kids’ meals every day and make sure they eat on time.

“At the same time, we started taking in catering orders especially during the fasting month. We sold Malay tradisional Kuehs and cendol. With what little income that we received, combined with the contribution of sponsors, we managed to run the home,” she said.

However, Mak Linda shared that things took a difficult turn when the home was ordered to close in 2010.

“The landlord obtained a court order to evict us. He actually had buyers for the house and gave us about six months notice. If we were to stay we had to pay RM2.7 million and we didn’t have that kind of money.

“Thankfully, we found another premise with the help of kind souls,” she said.

Mak Linda said after they moved to the new premise, the shelter’s founder, Sharifah Adlan requested that she take care of the administrative side of the home.

Mak Linda dealt with paperwork and got more hands on with the kids after that.

She wakes them up in the morning, gets them ready for school, makes sure they are well fed, sees them off to school, ensures they pray in a timely manner and even watches over them when they are being coached in tuition classes.

In turn, the kids love her to bits, turning to her for each of their needs.

Another chapter of life

In year 2011, fate found her another love. Mak Linda remarried and moved out of Rumah Titian Kaseh.

“It was a very difficult decision to move out because the home provided me with a roof above my head when I was in need. But being remarried also means I have a husband to take care of me,” she said.

The decision did not sit too well with the kids in the home because they constantly pined for their ‘mother’.

Mak Linda was called back to the home, after Sharifah saw the kids’ distress.

“Actually I was happy to be called back. I love to be around the kids. So, I went back as the warden,” she said.

Even though Mak Linda went on to have three more kids, her dedication to the shelter home cannot be mistaken.

She will be at the home at 8am sharp and will stay on until 10.30pm until all the kids are tucked in bed.

“Sometimes, I feel that my own kids do not receive as much attention as the kids at this home. But I love my job here,” she said.

Mak Linda said the biggest lesson from motherhood, is learning that every child is different and that difference makes each of them special.

“Motherhood itself has been the sweetest journey for me. My best days are always whenever I get to spend time with my kids and all the kids at the shelter.”

This Mother’s Day, Mak Linda only has one advice to all the mothers out there.

“Spend time with your kids. Mothers are so busy with work commitments nowadays until they do not have time for their own kids. Please spend time with them because before you know it, they will be all grown up and you will regret not spending time with them sooner,” she said.

All pictures courtesy of Haslinda Dol Hamid

Story by: TK Letchumy

Motherhood without Mum

Being a Mother Without Your Own Mum Around

Tg Nor Liyana, 33, lost her mother just after she got married. Now a mother herself, she grieves for the loss of guidance on her motherhood journey and the companionship of a doting grandmother for her son.

What was your best memory with your mother?

 When things don’t go the way I plan, be it breaking up with boyfriend, poor exam results, fight with girlfriends, she was always there to tell me that things would be ok in the end. And that if things are meant to be, it will be.

When I was 14, I found out that my then boyfriend had cheated on me with another girl and at the age of 14, I thought it was the end of the world and cried my eyeballs out. My mother would come to me every night and would let me know that things were going to be ok and I would get another better guy. She slept  with me every night and made  sure I was over the guy.

Do you feel there is a difference between mothering when you have a mother, and when you don’t?

It felt like paralysis of half the body. It is like not having your own legs to walk. Yes, there are other medical tools that can assist you to walk, but it is not your leg and your motor skills helping you walk.

Being a first time mother, there were a lot of things that I did not know. Like how to bathe a baby, how to burp a baby, what is colic? Thank god for Google and YouTube! But those were the little things during the first few weeks that made me wish my mother was still around.

What are the similarities or differences between you and your mum as mothers?

I think we are both similar in terms of letting a child explore and be herself/himself in their own way. Isa is now turning 9 months and he is curious in exploring things around him. I allow him to explore everything – from taking things on the floor and putting it his mouth, or falling down and crying. I think it is the best way they learn to survive.

I would possibly not set too high expectations on school grades. My mother was really strict with grades and education. To her 99% was not good enough as I needed to get 100% for all subjects and all the time.  I would tell Isa to just study hard and grades only matter in getting you to a good school. But it does not define you as a good person. Still a long way to go though, who knows? I might just end up being like my mother.

What is the biggest lesson that motherhood (or a motherhood role) has given you?

Motherhood is a one way street and there is no turning back from becoming a mother. No book or advice can ever prepare me to be a mother and every child is different is her/his own way. It’s not one shoe fits all solutions.

Describe the memory that comes to your mind when you think of the best day or the sweetest day in your motherhood journey.

The best day in my motherhood journey was when Isa’s doctor told us that he can be discharged from NICU after 7 days under observation. Isa was born at healthy at 2.6kg but because of insufficient amniotic fluid and calcification of my placenta, this resulted in meconium aspiration syndrome. He was on oxygen support and was injected with a lot of other chemicals and medication. I could only pray that he would survive, and we would be able to see him grow up. When the doctor told us that he was doing well and ready to go back home with us, it was the best day in my motherhood journey.

What is your wish or advice for other mothers out there for this Mother’s Day?

It’s ok to make mistakes. I think as mothers we doubt our ability and blame ourselves if anything goes wrong. I think mothers are human too and it is ok to make mistakes.

Picture courtesy of Tg Nor Liyana

Story by: Nadia Nizamudin 

Much More Than Just The Help

Helpers With Children, Helping To Bring Up Other Kids

Nani Suryani,  42, has been a helper/bibik with one family in Malaysia for over a decade. She has raised their kids like her own, and is now living with the eldest to help her raise her own 2 kids.

How long have you been a helper/bibik? How old was your kids when you first became a helper/bibik?

This is my 11th year. My daughter was 10 years old when I left Jakarta to become a helper in KL.

What do you miss the most when away from your kids?

I really missed celebrating Hari Raya with my family – especially with my young daughter – in my first two years in KL. I was unable to reach out to her as I did not have a handphone back then. It got really nostalgic and I found myself yearning to be back home.

How do you cope when you have to say goodbye? And when you miss them/they miss you?

Owning a smart phone really helps. Nowadays, I can easily connect with my daughter in Jakarta anytime, anywhere.

What is the biggest lesson that motherhood (or a motherhood role) has given you?

Being away from my daughter has taught me about sacrifice and the value of working hard with sincerity. I barely had enough to live on and what more to support my growing daughter back then. I decided to leave my daughter behind in Jakarta to pursue higher pay in KL and now Alhamdulillah I am able to put her through college. I believe if one sincerely works hard enough, one will be rewarded in one way or another and your fortunes (rezeki) will increase, insyaAllah. I am blessed with a very kind, generous and supportive employer who treats me as part of their family.

Describe the memory that comes to your mind when you think of the best day or the sweetest day in your motherhood journey.

The day when I gave birth to my daughter, Hani, was the most beautiful day of my life. That day always reminds me of Allah’s rahmah to me.

What is your wish or advice for other mothers out there for this Mother’s Day.

I raised Hani as a single mother for most of her life and it has been a very challenging (and yet rewarding) experience for me. If you are a single mother and desire a bright future for your children, you must have a strong will, be determined to work hard, and be prepared to make the sacrifices. And above all, always seek God’s help and blessing. I did all that for Hani and it have been very fulfilling to see all the sacrifices and hard work have paid off.

Picture courtesy of Nani Suryani

Story by: Nadia Nizamudin 

The Stepmother

Stepmothering is A Special Kind of Love

Emily Lim became a stepmother to Wei Yi (15), Wei Shuang (12), Wei Ren (10) three years ago when she married their father. She had three years to get to know them before that point, and now she thinks of them as her own children.

What were your fears and anxieties going into this motherhood?

Was I not good enough to be a mother? How do I be a mother? But then I realised it was not about me, it was about the kids. When you put the kids first, everything falls into place. I also realised that after talking to other mothers – there’s a certain insecurity too. I think in this case the support of the dad/husnad plays a critical role. Desmond has been super amazing and patient! He makes me a better mother.

What was the start like? Were there some things you were awkward about?

First awkward moment was when I realised I didn’t know how to talk to them! Like, how do you talk to a kid? Desmond was like: ‘Honey, she is not a baby, she is 8 years old.’  Also what is awkward, even till today, is how to establish a loving environment. It was hard because it’s about how to instil in them that love knows no boundaries (and parents make mistakes), and to love who you love, whether it is your mum, me or nai nai (grandmother).

Also what is important is that we do not judge what happened in the past. I always encourage them to be open and express what they think and talk about. It does hurt when they compare or say ‘You’re not my mother, why should I listen to you?’, but it is not about you. It’s about the kids. And that fixes things.

How did the dynamic with their biological mother unfold for you?

It is very important to recognise the biological mother, and not to pass judgement – always keep an open mind. Kids have to come to their own conclusions too, form their own beliefs. She was perhaps a little distant at first, but it was all good when we were more adult about things – not to confront, but to say hi, thanks and please – that worked over time. It was hard for me to take the first step in communication, but she is a lot more open now too.

What made you think motherhood was really hard?

Wow, when you have only two hands and three kids – I wish I had a third hand, I want to hold them all at once. It’s about being fair and having no favourites. And being consistent, as they will test your value system!

Describe the memory that comes to your mind when you think of the best day or the sweetest day in your motherhood journey.

The best memory was how they called me Mum on their own. It was Wei Ren first, then Wei Yi, and then Wei Shuang. Tears!

Also my favourite moments have been cracking jokes with them, reading bedtime stories and going to the park and playing bad badminton with them – they are awful at badminton.

What is your wish or advice for other mothers out there for this Mother’s Day.

Be brave when you love. And when you love, love fiercely. You’ve got this!

Pictures courtesy of Emily Lim

Story by: Laych Koh

To all and every kind of mother out there, we see you and salute you.

Happy Mother’s Day from us here at makchic!

The post Saluting All Kinds Of Mothers on Mother’s Day appeared first on Makchic.

Come Teacher’s Day, stories of inspiring teachers often fill our social media timelines.

It may not be an exaggeration to say that Malaysians’ all-time favourite Teacher’s Day story is perhaps the story of Cheryl Ann Fernando, whose teaching journey inspired the movie ‘Adiwiraku’.

Cheryl went to a rural school in Kedah and helped form a choral speaking team which went on to become a top qualifier at a district-level choral speaking competition.

It was a triumphant moment for SMK Pinang Tunggal which had never ever won a prize, let alone make it to a top tier in a competition.

It has been three years since the feat was achieved but Malaysians can never quite move on from the feel good story.

Cheryl remains grounded

Despite her popularity, the humble teacher does not let fame get to her head.
“Ahh, my life is the same. I don’t think I became popular after the movie. Occasionally, people ask me if I’m that ‘kampung’ teacher but other than that, it’s just the same.

“While I love Adiwiraku (after watching it 25 times) and proud of it, I also remind myself that it’s important to move on and continue working for our schools. As long as we have kids struggling to read, my work is not done yet,” she said.

Cheryl now runs an organisation called Global School Leaders Malaysia.

“We work with school principals and their senior leadership team. Through a series of workshops and coaching sessions, we help them increase student achievement in their schools. In a way, I still teach but this time, to principals and other teachers,” she shared.

Teacher enjoying motherhood

These days Cheryl is also busy with the latest addition to her family, her 7-month-old daughter, Leia Darshini.

She said Leia’s name was inspired by her husband’s obsession with Star Wars.

“He wanted her to grow up and lead the rebellion, hence Leia. After having Leia, I realised I’m not a superhero after all. No wait, after I gave birth I thought I was a superhero and then we brought her home and I felt like such a failure. Being a first time mother, I struggled with many things – breastfeeding, putting her to sleep, colic and all that.

“In my head, I figured that perhaps motherhood will be something like teaching but I was wrong. If teaching is tough, parenting is crazy tough!” she said.

Cheryl said her life has changed in more ways that she imagined.

“I work harder and more efficiently now because I wan t to get home in time to be with her. I’m often tired, but looking at her sleeping peacefully is so worthwhile, as cliché as it might sound,” she said.

“Since I work with schools, I think of Leia in school. Will she like this school? Will this school be good for her? I feel like whatever I’m doing, I do it to ensure that one day, Leia and her friends will get to go to any school in Malaysia and it will be a great school,” she said.

Lessons from Motherhood

Cheryl said that motherhood has given her lots of lessons.

“I’ll never be rude to my mother again! Motherhood has opened up my eyes to just how tough it must have been for my mum to raise me. After giving birth, all I wanted to do was to apologise to my mother for all the times I was rude to her.

“I feel like I’m learning something new every other day. Perhaps, the greatest thing I have learned is that love isn’t just for a day. It isn’t something to be bragged about on social media. Loving a child means you have to spend time and effort to raise her to be a useful human being,” she said.

Teacher’s Day message

This Teacher’s Day, Cheryl has a message to her former students and teachers.

“To all the teachers who have taught me before and for the ones in my all-time favourite SMK Pinang Tunggal, Teach for Malaysia teachers and my Global School Leaders Malaysia teachers, know that the things that you do in the classroom every day is so great, it can change the nation.

“For all students, especially to my dear ones from SMK Pinang Tunggal, know that you are capable of achieving great things and please be nice to your teachers, no matter who they are!

“Happy Teacher’s Day!”

All photographs courtesy of Cheryl Ann Fernando

The post [Interview] Cheryl Ann Fernando- If Teaching is Tough, Parenting is Crazy Tough! appeared first on Makchic.

What does it take to make a dad? This Father’s Day makchic takes a look at some fathers and father figures out there who do all they can for the children they love. We salute all of you amazing dads!

The Long-Distance Father

There’s never a day that I don’t miss home

More often than not, most fathers look forward to going back home after a long day at work. They wish to see their children’s loving faces and spend some quality time with them.

However, for the thousands of immigrants working in Malaysia, that is a dream they may never achieve.

In a bid to give their families better lives, these foreign workers often leave their homes with a heavy heart and work in a different country, hardly getting a chance to see their loved ones.

Decades away

One such person is Ravichantran Arumugam, an Indian citizen who has been working in Malaysia for about 20 years.

“I left home to another country when my baby was just one-year-old. It was a very difficult decision to make but because I have her best interests in my heart, because I want to give her a better future, I chose to leave.

“In 1995 I first went to Singapore to work. I did some odd jobs there and my staying permit ended. I came to Malaysia in 1999,” said the 46-year-old from Tanjavur, Tamilnadu.

Ravichantran said in Malaysia, he took on employment as an assistant to a man running a laundry business in Ampang.

He worked for years under the guidance of the man, slowly learning the art of the laundry service.

“As time went by, I was mistreated by the man. Sometimes, he even refused to pay my salary. I had to leave because the main reason I am working abroad is for the money.

“If I don’t send back money, my family can’t even eat,” he said.

New opportunity

Through his acquaintances here, Ravichantran got the opportunity to open his own laundry business.

“I rented a space in a shop lot and with the knowledge I acquired from my previous job, I became the boss of my own laundry business.

“My loyal customers from the previous shop switched to my laundry and business has been good,” he explained.

Love for daughter

Ravichantran’s daughter is now 18-years-old. She is studying engineering in a local university in India.

“She always dreamed about becoming an engineer one day. I took it upon myself to do whatever I could do to make her dreams come true.

“Even if that means I won’t be by her side to watch her grow up. At the end of the day, I want her life to be better than mine,” he said.

He said as a father, his most difficult challenge was to be separated from his daughter.

“There’s never a day I don’t miss home. There’s never a day I don’t think of my daughter and my wife.

“I’ve gone away for so long that all three of us don’t even have a family picture together. I do visit them occasionally, but it is not the same as living with them,” he said.

Ravichantran said one of his biggest lessons in fatherhood is appreciating his own father.

“When I was a little boy, I never really appreciated my father because I had no idea being a father required such hard work. Now, as I have become a father, I know the hardships. I know how my father must have felt, sacrificing so many things for me. I appreciate him a lot,” he said.

He only has one advice to younger fathers, especially those who are lucky enough to get to see their children every day.

“Be there with them. Watch them grow up. I am unlucky because I never got that chance. But if you are lucky enough to be with them every day, just be with them as they grow up. They grow up so fast, you know?”, he said.

Special Needs Fatherhood

Caring for a special needs child

Parents around the world know that caring for a child is one of the most difficult things to do. Add a special needs child to the equation and one can imagine the parenting challenges that comes with it.

One person who knows the challenges too well is Iman Wan, whose son, Adam Wan, has Autism Spectrum Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

Iman, who has two other children Arena Wan and Aramysara Wan, first found out about Adam’s condition in 2007.

“Adam was diagnosed when he was two and a half. He had poor eye contact and did not respond to calling like normal kids,” he said.

Iman who has 15 years of experience in the music industry (working with Malaysian artistes like Siti Nurhaliza, Sheila Majid and Amy Mastura), said he had to make lifestyle changes when this happened.

The endless sacrifices

 “I had to leave my job to stay home and help my wife raise Adam. I built a home-based essential oil business called doTERRA. I work from home and I am my own boss, which gives me the privilege to set my own working hours.

“Adam, now 18, is non-verbal, with severe Autism and ADHD. He is aggressive and suffers from meltdowns due to sensory processing disorder. Raising a child with Autism in general requires enormous level of patience and a huge portion of your time,” he said.

For Iman, his typical day starts very early because Adam wakes up early.

“I send my daughter to school. Come home and go out for breakfast with Adam and my wife before sending Adam to school. After that I get on my computer to check emails and respond to messages and inquiries. Then I review sales performance from the day before.

“We pick Adam up for lunch and pick up my daughter from school before heading home. After Adam is asleep at night, I go back to the computer and have meetings online, hold oiling classes and work on social media postings. I have some quiet time with my wife and go to bed about 12 am,” he shared.

 The social media link

Iman also shares his typical days on his Instagram page @adamsautismfamily, including videos of Adam’s aggressive behaviors in public.

Iman said the page is a way to keep in touch with friends and family because he could not find the time to hang out with them anymore.

The page has ever since generated over 200,000 followers.

For Iman, his most difficult challenge after becoming a father is to find the time to make a living.

“I can’t build my career. I can’t compete in a normal job environment because I need to spend much time with my family. My travelling time and time away from home is very limited.

“I need to make more money to cover additional expenses needed for Adam’s school, therapy, diet and his future. My life revolves around Adam.”

His biggest lesson in fatherhood is learning to communicate with his children, especially Adam.

“How we are and the way we communicate with our kids can influence them in a big way. I have learned to communicate better with my children, and to have quality time with them. The moments and times we share with our kids will remain forever in their memories. I want to create as many memories as possible with my children,” he said.

He hopes that his children will always stay together and take care of one another.

“There are many families out there with autistic kids. First accept them, then grow with them. It’s ok to be abnormal. Rebuild a life around the child and learn to be patient,” he said.

For younger and newer dad, Iman only has three words, “Enjoy the ride!”

The Grandfather

Lovable grandpa

They are adorable, they are wise and they spoil us with love (and extra candies). That is why every child lucky enough to have felt the loving affections of their grandfathers will always think the world of them. With many grandparents also caring for their grandchildren, sometimes grandpas also play a fatherly role.

For Atan Derus, 64, his life has become more meaningful with the addition of his two grandchildren, Husna Muhammad Taufiq and Barack Muhammad Ashraf.

Even though Husna is only 10-months-old and Barack is 3-months-old, Atan is pretty sure his grandchildren love him right back.

The proof?

“It’s their little gurgles of delight when they see me. That’s love,” he said.

Life changing experience

Atan said raising grandchildren, is pretty much similar to raising children.

“Fatherhood and grandfatherhood is pretty much the same for me. Children will be children no matter what era they are born in and in my opinion, they still need the same amount of attention and care.

“However, my children think I am much ‘softer’ on my grandkids,” he said.

Atan also said that apart from his life, so much has changed since the arrival of his two grandchildren.

“So much changed, I don’t even know where to begin. But I learnt to put the family;s needs before me. For example, when you are younger,  all your resources are spent on yourself.

“When you are a dad and a granddad, you suddenly need to think about your partner, your children and their children. What kind of father or grandfather would you be if you buy new clothes every month but your child or grandchild can’t afford to buy books?,” he asked.

Atan added that life has also become busier for him but more interesting. He is learning new skills, such as how to take photos using smart phones.

“Now that I am retired, I help to care for my granddaughter. Sometimes I cook, because I enjoy doing that. I make sure I hear from all my children everyday, be it via text  or call. I am learning how to take photos on my phone so I can capture my granddaughter’s special moments,” he said.

Transitioning between being a father and a grandfather

Atan said he has always been a very involved parent.

“I used to send my daughter to work until she was 28, but now I can’t drive long distances anymore. My children would say that I am overprotective, but that’s the only parenting way I know.

“It’s crazy, if you think about it – how your actions can directly and indirectly shape a person’s life, so I just have to give my best. I will not forgive myself if something goes wrong just because I do things half-heartedly.

‘Sometimes it’s very hard for me to just let go. For example when my daughter was studying in Penang I rode on the bus with her from KL to Penang, took a cab with her from the bus station, showed her the whole process. I’m sure she could just do it on her own. Youngsters nowadays are so much more resourceful and the information is all on their fingertips. But I have to make sure, and when I feel that she’s ready, I will let go.

“And I am very sure I will feel the same for when it’s time for my grandkids to leave the nests,” he said.

Atan said letting go is also the biggest lesson for him in fatherhood – he is preparing himself to do the same with his grandkids.

His only hope for his grandchildren is for them to get more and better opportunities than what he had when he was growing up.

His advice for newer or younger dads?

Atan said they should treat their kids or grandkids like friends.

“Be a friend. So your kids don’t feel there’s a distance and they can be more open in expressing their feelings,” he said.

The Godfather

A kid’s happy place

‘A godfather is a gift sent from above, a guardian angel that was chosen with love.’

This quote beautifully captures the role of a godfather in our lives. A father figure, and specially chosen for a child as a guide and supporter, a godfather is often the source of great joy for children lucky to have one.

Advin Lourdes, a project manager from Kuala Lumpur, can attest to this because he is a godfather that children love.

His two godsons – Mithiran Lourdes and Varun Lourdes – adore him so much they constantly ask their parents about his whereabouts.

He transforms himself into a kid when playing with them and shows his responsible self when teaching.

“Having no kids of my own, I had the opportunity to become a father figure to both boys. It created in me a sense of responsibility towards them. I feel proud to be a part of their lives and help shape their future,” he said.

Teaching through fun activities

As opposed to strict ‘classroom’ type activities that bore children, Advin chooses to keep learning fun with the kids through outdoor activities.

“Going on outings is the main highlight. They call me ‘periappa’, which literally translate to ‘big father’ in Tamil. So when ‘periappa’ is around, the fun begins. I become a human playground to my godchildren and their siblings.

*My older godson Mithiran, is known to be the brainy one who can sit a whole day and explain the solar system to me. He gets irritated when I give wrong answers to his questions! My younger godson Varun, is quite a chilled guy. He is very stylish, thanks to his mum,” he said.

Time is of the essence

Advin said although he would love to spend 24 hours with his godchildren, he could not find the time due to his busy working schedule.

“It’s challenging to make time for them when work or other responsibilities get in the way. That remains a challenge that I am trying to overcome by trying to find a balance.

“Another challenge is when the boys get a little too naughty. I don’t have the heart to scold them. Discipline is my wife’s territory as she is a teacher. I choose to be the lenient one hence, I stay out of the way when they’ve done something wrong. I wait to comfort them,” he said.

Advin added that because children are very honest, he learnt some lessons from his godchildren.

“I’ve learned from my godsons to answer truthfully and to never make a promise I cannot keep.

“My hope for them as their godfather is to see them and my other nephews and nieces grow up to be successful adults and enjoy their journey getting there,” he said.

Happy Father’s Day to all you dedicated daddies out there! 

The post Father’s Day Special: Honouring All Kinds of Dads appeared first on Makchic.

When Kirsi Salonen moved to Kuala Lumpur from Finland 7 years ago with her husband and two toddlers, she realised there wasn’t much information online about raising kids in KL. Noticing this gap, Kirsi and her two other friends (who have now left Malaysia) later decided to start Happy Go KL – a website for KL parents.

We chat with HappygoKL’s Kirsi, Jilly Resink and Jay Desan to learn more about their journey, aspirations and their experience raising kids in KL.

Happy Go KL’s Journey

The website started as a blog back in 2014, initially targeting expat mums who needed to connect with other mums in KL. Kirsi’s main objectives for Happy Go KL is for it to be a central place where parents can get information about where to take the kids in KL and go for holidays.

It was clear that Happy Go KL was serving that purpose, as that was how Jay Desan stumbled upon the website. A working mum who frequently searched for ideas and reviews from other parents, Desan was reading an article on Happy Go KL when she realised that Salonen was the writer behind it. “Hey I know her!” thought Jay. Their kids went to the same school. Desan then came on-board as a contributor, sharing her experiences to benefit other mums.

They started with a team of 3 writers, and their contributors have come and gone over the years. Now, they have a team of 10 writers, a mix of expat and local mums living in KL.

Advocating Active Lifestyles

The three mums are obviously passionate advocates for the things they write about. Resink, for instance, who does marketing for Happy Go KL, is a true nature-lover. Her family moved to Malaysia 6 years ago from New Zealand, and  she and her two daughters love the outdoors. She praises Malaysia for being blessed with wonderful waterfalls, jungle walks, and beaches.

Another common theme one gets talking to these three women is their love for travel, which is also reflected in Happy Go KL’s travel section. It offers ideas and reviews of family-friendly destinations across the South East Asia region.

“We review both types of travel – be it budget holidays or luxury ones. But we make sure to set the expectations upfront, so readers know what to expect. For example, a review about a ‘glamping’ holiday won’t suit you if you’re looking for ‘strawberries and champagne’. Also, we usually share about the destination rather than the accomodations – things like what activities you can do there, and what you need to bring for your kids,” said Salonen.

Asked what their favourite things to do in KL were, Salonen said: “It changes every so often depending on the kids’ age. Currently, we like playing bowling, and going for jungle walk in FRIM.”

“Chilling waterfalls is great! Recently my kid had a birthday party in the jungle near Ampang, and she claimed it was the best birthday party in her life!” chimed Resink.

Desan said: “My kids play a lot of futsal now, and they like adventurous activities like Skytrex.”

Support Network

The group talked about preferring to support mumpreneurs online, rather than focus on reviews which may be negative. “We don’t want to bash anyone online. There are other websites that cater to that, such as TripAdvisor or other restaurant online-review spaces. For us, if we go somewhere and we don’t like it, we won’t write about it,” said Salonen.

The three mums also shared their experience raising kids away from their family, and how living in Malaysia with kids compared to their home country. Being away from their support group, they had to quickly create a new ‘village’ here, and that is what they hope Happy Go KL would be for other mums – a community to get support.

Desan also said: “We travel quite extensively too, and I realise that KL is a very nice place to raise a family. It’s very affordable here, and there are nice outdoor places to go to.”

“When you grow up here, and your family are all here, you always go to your neighbourhood mall, and you have a lot of family commitments – perhaps you don’t really venture out to other places,” Salonen said. “Some local mums tell me that they didn’t even know about some of the places until it came up on Happy Go KL. We just love to share our appreciation of KL with others.”

The post The Mummies behind Happy Go KL appeared first on Makchic.

She is in her 70s, but thanks to her close relationship with her children and grandchildren, Linda Lim often muses on parenting now and how it was back then.  For our series Blast From The Past, she writes today about her thoughts and experiences on disciplining children.

Of late I have found myself browsing bookshops for a book with guidelines for disciplining children. I feel I need to get this book (many copies, if you please) to parents who seem completely lost at how to properly raise their children.  Call me old fashioned,  but there is so much misbehaviour among children today.

Who’s The Boss?

Recently, I witnessed a five-year-old boy throwing a tantrum in the aisle of a supermarket when his mother refused to get him what he wanted. He lay on the floor refusing to budge, screaming at the top of his voice. His parents, in their 30s, were visibly embarrassed but did not know what to do.

They tried to cajole him but to no avail. The little boy continued to vent his anger unperturbed by the shoppers nearby. I thought to myself ‘a smack on his bottom would do the trick’. But in that country, the parents can be charged for child abuse. Finally,  the parents caved in and he got what he wanted. Peace was restored but what happens the next time the boy does not get what he wants?

Manners Please

On another occasion, my family and I were seated next to a family of 4 at a fast food food restaurant. The children were aged between 5 to 7 years old. They talked loudly, fidgeted a lot and when the father came back with the food, they acted like they had not eaten for a week . There was not a word of thanks to their father. The kids chomped loudly as they devoured their food, dropping litter on the floor. It was sad to see the parents unmoved by these bad habits and lack of manners.

So rude!

Last week at a tea party at a friend’s daughter’s house, my friend’s grandchildren, all below the age of ten, showed us their true colours. They had two maids to look after them when they parents, both professionals, were at work. My friend, who stayed with them after her husband had passed away, was told not to interfere with the upbringing of the children. What a ghastly mistake that was. The grandchildren were not only rude to their maids but also to their grandmother. The children were very cute but their cuteness was lost in their unbecoming behaviour. My friend was clearly stressed but her hands were tied. I need to buy that book for this couple too.

Good, old-fashioned discipline

And what of my own brood? Well into the 7th decade of my life, my three children, now in their thirties and forties were brought up with the adage “Spare the rod and spoil the child”. Most parents of that age were firm perpetuators of that rule. Yes, we used the cane. When the cane was not used, it was hung at a prominent corner,  a visible deterrent to unacceptable behaviour. Truth be told, the cane was not used that often, and even  when used, it was mild caning. There were more threats than the actual usage of the cane; but the cane served its purpose.

The Dilemma

Today, psychologists tell us it is wrong to use the cane. It would have repercussions on the children in the future. I beg to differ. Short of blowing my own trumpet, I attest to the fact that my children, now adults, are far from suffering any repercussions. In fact, my elder son who studied abroad once told his friends that the cane was used when he was naughty. His British friends gasped in disbelief and told him that I could have ended up up in jail. My son proudly told them he owed his present success to his upbringing.

Friends who belong to my age group also have no qualms about using the cane. In fact one of my colleagues had gone overboard – she had 5 different canes in the house of varying lengths and thickness. They were used according to the severity of misbehaviour.  She had 4 boisterous sons who were always up to mischief. Those canes helped her manage their antics and pranks. Today the 4 boys are successful young adults and in turn, they remind their children how their parents methods of discipline succeeded in moulding their character.

But today as I look at my grandchildren and how they are being disciplined, I have finally conceded that there are other successful ways of disciplining children, aside from the cane.

In this new light, my methods seem so archaic, but at that time I knew no better.

Creative Correction

When I visited my nephew in England, we went out for dinner. While waiting for the food to arrive his 6-year-old son started to whine. When the food finally arrived he started to whine again. My nephew calmly told his son to put his coat on as they were going for a walk. Fifteen minutes later they came back.  The little boy ate his food without a whimper and was about to whine again when the father gently asked him if he would like to go for another walk. The boy declined, and was back to his perfect behaviour. This curious Aunty asked her nephew what had ensued. With a twinkle in his eye, my nephew said “we had a father and son talk”. He did not reveal the content of that talk, but boy was I impressed with this mode of disciplining children.

On a trip to Phuket for a holiday, our group consisted of a couple in their in their late forties and their son, 6-year-old Trevor. Throughout the journey he never misbehaved. His parents used the reward system in disciplining him.

Everytime the child behaved well, he was given merit points which the mother noted in a small note book and when he was naughty he was given demerit points. At the end of the week, he would be rewarded if he had more merit points. It could be dinner at his favourite fast food restaurant or permission to buy something. If there are many demerit points he would lose his privileges like not being able to watch his favourite tv program.

Trevor was on his best behaviour. It was a pleasure to see how this system was administered. On hindsight, I would have used this method had I known of it earlier.

Spare the rod, but not the discipline

My own children also do not use the cane. My daughter and her husband send the children to “chill” in the bedroom if they are naughty. After some time they are allowed to come out but they have to apologise for their wrongdoing. They are told why they are sent to chill in their room. The parents reason with them. If they refuse to eat, the food is taken away from them and no other food is given. They are only allowed water in place of the food they rejected.  After some time they learn the pangs of hunger.

And woe betide if they are rude. The parents sit down and explain to them that this is not tolerated at all and punishment meted accordingly. Sometimes my daughter acts like the tiger mum, but her methods work. I must say kudos to my daughter and her husband, who are strict disciplinarians.

Consistency is key

My son and his wife send their 4-year-old to the naughty corner if she has tantrums. Somehow this works wonders and my grand daughter hates to go to the naughty corner where she is left alone facing the corner. No one can rescue her from that dreaded place. Other times when she misbehaves they will count to three … one, two, and by the time they say 3, she is back to good behaviour. I think her kindergarten is also helping to instil good behaviour. The kindergarten emphasises good manners, please and thank you and other basic etiquette. In the kindergarten they are taught to tidy up after playing which she also does at home. There is no cane used, but other methods of discipline and instilling values. Sayings like “Sharing is caring ” and “Never break your promise “ are for them to live by.

Tailoring the Discipline

All said and done, parents need to explore which methods of disciplining work best with their children. Each child is different and so methods of discipline must be tailored to the child’s needs. The bottom line is as parents, they need to deal with the children and instil good values. They are duty bound to impart good values to their children, so that in the future they will be good adults. And when they become parents, they too will impart good values to their children. And so life goes on.

I end this with a quote taken from a parents’ prayer, ”O God make me a better parent. May I never punish them for my own selfish satisfaction or to show my power. Bless me with bigness to grant them all their reasonable requests and to deny them the privileges I know will do them harm.”

By Linda Lim

The post Disciplining Children Now and Back in The Day appeared first on Makchic.

Her baby suffered from eczema, and bath times proved agonising for both child and mother. June Yap took it upon herself to seach for chemical-free basic products for baby and home, and found that those available were too expensive for average households. This led her to create Chomel, a Malaysian-made brand of baby products that are natural, safe, and eco-friendly. We speak to Yap to find out more about her journey with Chomel.

Could you tell us about when your baby was born, and how you realised he had sensitive skin?

My second son was born in August 2016. I was so happy that he was born naturally and the birth had no complications. I thank God for a healthy baby boy,  but little did I know that there would be an uphill journey for us managing his sensitive and eczema-prone skin. This was all new to me as my older son, who was 5 by then, never had this issue. Each bath time was a nightmare for both baby Terry and me – he would scream and cry when it was shower time as he had eczema wounds.

My baby had to go through a strict routine of cream applications, and only drank breastmilk for two solid years. There were also those itchy nights where he needed to be soothed to sleep.

Tell us what you went through, and your feelings and worries at the time?

It wasn’t just hard for him. I had to change my diet for those two years of breastfeeding – no seafood, dairy, gluten or sugary food and drinks. I had to be strong with my diet change, but still, at times I would wake up in the morning shocked by my baby’s bed sheets covered with blood and eczema wounds. He had been scratching himself. There was one episode where he suffered from such severe eczema that I had to take him to the hospital, and the doctor and nurses gave him a wet wrap from head to toe. There were many times that I broke down, asking God if I could take this pain for my baby instead.

After two years, Baby Terry got better when his immune system started to build itself up. He still suffers from eczema attacks on and off. But as a family, we have learned to cope and watch out for his meals, skincare, cleaners and even the temperature as these can trigger a reaction.

What did you realise about baby products in general in your research?

My journey with Terry has educated me a lot, especially when it comes to reading ingredient labels and what to look out for.  To my surprise, there are many baby brand products in the market today that contain harmful chemicals, ones that might cause long-term health issues linked to asthma, ADHD and even cancer. Due to my baby’s skincare needs, I searched for baby products that were natural and did not contain harmful chemicals. But I realised the baby products in this segment were super expensive, sometimes five times more than more mass-marketed brands.

Why do you think parents should be careful with their babies’ skincare? What do they need to be wary of?

As a mother who has been through this eczema journey, I think all parents should realise that not all baby products are safe for your baby. A baby’s skin is thinner and under developed compared to an adult’s skin. It absorbs and loses moisture much faster. Parents need to be educated when it comes to reading ingredients, and try to select more natural baby products. Certain key ingredients to avoid are SLS/SLES, Dyes, Parabens, Fomaldehyde Donors, Solvent, DEA, Triclosan and others.

How did you start your business?

I started my business based on a genuine desire to help parents out there facing the same problems I had. Many other mothers I spoke to in support groups were also going through the same journey I was on. I learned that sensitive skin and eczema affects all races and income groups. Hence, with such expensive baby products catered towards sensitive skin and eczema, how were parents going to afford the right products for their baby?

This is why I created Chomel – I wanted a product that was natural, safe, effective and eco-friendly, but at an affordable price. We are also certified as hypoallergenic and halal by Jakim Malaysia.

Your products are biodegradable. Why was that important to you?

As a mother, I want to make the world a better place for my children and their children. As clichéd as it may sound, I believe change starts with me. When Chomel was developed I took much care to ensure that all of our products were Readily Biodegradable – meaning that the ingredients used meet a very stringent testing criteria. This was a readily biodegradability test, demonstrating ultimate biodegradability within a specific time period of 28 days.

We want to reduce our carbon footprint on earth by limiting carbon dioxide emissions in almost every aspect of our brand, from packaging to ingredients.

Do you think more parents are becoming more environmentally-friendly, more aware of issues like these?

Nowadays, more parents are becoming more aware and educated about ingredients in baby products as they too have babies that suffer from mild to severe sensitive skin and eczema. They are on the look out for affordable quality products for their baby.

However, there is still a big need to continue efforts and let them know about what ‘Readily Biodegradable’ is all about, for example. Many parents are still not aware that selecting the right baby products is important, not only to care for your baby but also to care for the environment. This is so our babies can have a better earth to live in.

What are some other tips you have for parents of children with eczema or sensitive skin? What can they do for their children?

As a mother that has been going through the same journey with them, my advice is to seek support from family and friends as it can be tiring and difficult. Do not give up, and stay strong as it eventually gets better over time.

Sensitive skin and eczema is a mixture of genetics and environment, so don’t jump on a product that claims it will heal your baby skin overnight – it does not exist. Choose natural products that are tested hypoallergenic and suitable for newborn and babies with sensitive skin.

Avoid steroids creams unless really needed as it does has side effects. For your baby to get better, it will be a journey for the family as well, to adapt to a healthier lifestyle and healthier eating habits. A healthy and happy family is the one that stays together and supports each other.

Interview conducted by Laych Koh. Photos courtesy of June Yap.

Giveaway!

We have 30 sets of Chomel baby laundry detergents and baby fabric softeners for you to win, parents! Join our easy peasy and fun giveaway on Instagram now by heading to our account here.

The post [Interview] June Yap: I Started My Business Due to Baby’s Severe Eczema appeared first on Makchic.

Who knew the topic of food could be so complicated? Moving beyond the debate of whether to breast or bottle feed (either is perfect, by the way), you’re now faced with the question of when, how and what solid foods you should give your baby.

There are parents who are firmly in the BLW camp, that’s baby-led weaning, to the uninitiated. Then there are the parents who puree, and the parents who fall somewhere in between. But how did our parents or grandparents  introduce food to us, and what did they feed us?

Back in my day…

In a nutshell, our elders took it easy and watched their babies for cues that they were interested in food, generally around the four to six month mark.

May Woon, 61, said she started her children on baby rice cereals until they learned to chew and swallow. They then moved on to congee, or rice porridge, and mashed soft foods.

“We didn’t aim to start at any age, but would try when they started getting curious about food,” she said.

Elaine Chow, May’s 31-year-old daughter and mum to seven-month-old Henry, recalled May spending significant amounts of time preparing the food and  sitting with her to get her to finish a meal.

“Partly because she was a full-time housewife, partly because she put so much work into the food, and partly because she had less milk supply and was in a hurry to wean us,” said Elaine.

“She still happily spends half the day planning and preparing Henry’s food.

“Mum thinks there’s no better food for babies than congee – she’s always giving ideas of what to put in it. She always cooks way too much congee for him!”

Alicia Chew, mother to 11-month-old Nate, said her mother was slightly disapproving of her steaming and pureeing fruit and vegetables when she started weaning her son.

“She kept nagging me about why it wasn’t porridge, and asking me why I was so westernised,” Alicia, 32, laughed.

“I assume it’s what they did for me because it’s what they’ve been telling me to do for my son.”

Affordability and access

The porridge-is-best view possibly harks back to a time when parents had no choice but to be practical and use whatever they had. Rice cereal, which is a common first food for baby, was either too expensive, or not available.

Yin Chia, 81, said porridge was the only food she had to feed her children when they were babies.

“I’d boil porridge with de-boned cooked fish and some finely-sliced vegetables, like carrots or onions. I’d cook it for hours until it was broken down and soft enough for them to eat,” she said.

“It was always cheap fish like ikan kembung (mackerel) and vegetables like daun keledek (sweet potato leaves). We couldn’t afford meat back then.

“If you had other salty foods in the porridge, like ikan bilis (anchovies), you wouldn’t add extra salt or soy sauce.”

Yin said ikan bilis was known to be a good source of calcium. It also provided a bit of flavour to food and best of all – was cheap and accessible.

“Even when I was looking after my grandchildren, I would peel the ikan bilis to get rid of the bones, roast it and blend it into a fine powder to add to porridge,” she said.

What about other cultures?

Meanwhile, in Australia, 42 year-old mother of two, Meg Schiafone, said the first food of her and her siblings was rice cereal with breastmilk around four to six months of age – depending on the size of the baby.

“Mum was told to introduce food for a big baby around four months and a small baby around the six-month mark,” said Meg.

“We were given a weak solution of rice cereal and breastmilk. In the morning, we had one teaspoon for one to two weeks, increasing to two to three teaspoons over time.”

Meg said following rice cereal, they were introduced to fruit like pear or apricot for lunch or afternoon tea.

“Again, we were given one teaspoon for one to two weeks before introducing another fruit. If there were no allergies or reactions, she would introduce another fruit.

“The midwife gave my mum two options; cook the fruit yourself or buy the jars of fruit.  She used the jars because she was busy and not a fantastic cook!”

Meg and her siblings had rice cereal or fruit up until the age of six months. After that, their mum introduced vegetables like pumpkin, peas and carrot. The six-month mark was also the time when babies could also be introduced to cow’s milk.

“Mum said we were introduced to pureed meat in the baby food jars around seven to eight months old. This included meat like beef and lamb,” she said. 

No rules

What amazed Meg was there were no other rules to introducing food to babies back then.

“There was nothing about allergies to peanuts, eggs or dairy, and no mention of added sugar and salt,” she said – a contrast to the cautious environment she is raising her own kids in.

“There weren’t so many rules then,” recalled May.

“I recall hearing about feeding them more fish and eggs. We didn’t think about allergies. We fed them egg yolks to see if they had an allergic reaction, in which case they couldn’t get certain types of vaccinations. That was all.”

They were also pretty easy-going about added seasoning in food, she added.

“Elaine avoids salt and sugar in Henry’s food, but I didn’t have this rule,” said May.

“Maybe we avoided very strong-tasting, sugary or greasy foods. But what we considered nutritious for adults would usually be fine for children.”

Parents these days have it good in some ways – we have access to knowledge and advice from health professionals. We can also buy a wide array of prepared food or fresh produce.

In some ways, we probably have too much information and choice compared to our parents or grandparents – which can sometimes work to our disadvantage!

If you’re keen for more information about food and nutrition for babies and children, view the 2013 report on Malaysian Dietary Guidelines for Children and Adolescents by the Ministry of Health.

The post Blast From The Past: How Parents Used to Introduce Food appeared first on Makchic.

She’s one of Malaysia’s most recognised fashion gurus thanks to her impeccable fashion sense and repertoire of styling local celebrities plus commercial and editorial shoots to boot.

We managed to have a chat with down-to-earth stylist Min Luna despite her busy schedule and got some inside scoop from her well-anticipated collaboration with Fashion Valet which launches tomorrow – 8.08.18! Titled ‘Not Fragile’, one can expect the Min Luna x Fashion Valet collection to be chic-cool, stylish, and wearable. Read on to know more about Min!

Hi Min! Tell us more about your personal style and who are your influences?  

I would say I’m quite simple but unpredictable. Most people think I can get away with any style, but I personally don’t think so. It’s about being comfortable in your own skin. Frankly, I’m down to trying varied styles, which includes loud styles too. I don’t really have specific influences for dressing up because I don’t like following trends and get most of my inspirations from movies.

Who are your favourite designers right now?

Sies Marjan, Attico, Jacquemus, and Michael Lo Sordo.

What were some of your go-to brands while you were pregnant? Any recommendations for chic maternity?

I refused to wear maternity clothes throughout my pregnancy. What I loved the most was wearing loose and wrap dresses. They’re tasteful yet comfortable to wear while having a bun in the oven. I liked pairing my looks with a staple long kimono too – no fuss and fashionable.

What are your most treasured things in your wardrobe?

My studded leather jacket, black latex trousers, and Norma kurta in bright pink and lime prints.

Name us three things on your fashion wish list now?

I don’t know whether you can call this a fashion wish list but I’d love to participate in Vogue Fashion Festival 2019, go on a vintage buying trip to Barcelona or Milan, and have a professional teach me how to organise my expanding wardrobe.

You’re on a desert island, and can only bring five beauty products with you – what would they be?

Eyebrow liner, face oil, aloe vera gel, waterproof mascara, and Solek lipstick in ‘Normadiah.’

Give us a pro-tip on beauty products or tips you swear by.

I started using face oil this year to help with my skin’s hydration and it has done wonders. Sometimes, it’s not about using the most expensive face cream but about understanding your skin’s needs. Apart from keeping my skin hydrated, I needed to make sure I had enough ‘good oil’ on my skin too. Another evergreen beauty tip of mine is applying mascara. It’s one of the fastest way to look polished.

What’s your take on work-life balance?

To be honest, I am still struggling to do this because of my long and crazy work hours. There are times I find myself having to choose work over my family but I do say no to work and prioritise my family whenever I can. It’s one of the hardest thing about my job and industry. That said, it will not surprise me if I were to lose an arm one fine day and hear someone say to me, ‘Oh, you lost an arm Min but where’s my outfit?’ (laughs).

On motherhood: What is your best advice to new mums?

To treasure your time with little one and your spouse. On top of that, do remember to sneak in some me-time in between for yourself or else you’ll go nuts!

Any style tips for mummies out there?

Try to avoid following trends, always find the best silhouette for your body, and experiment with it. If it works, flaunt it. My biggest tip is to invest in a few key statement pieces which highlights your figure nicely, and shows that you have a good sense of style.

We’re so excited about your collaboration with Fashion Valet! Can you tell us more about it? What can we look out for (for expecting mums and fashionistas alike.)

You will definitely fall in love with the collection, I promise! The Min Luna x Fashion Valet collection is called ‘Not Fragile’ because it’s about breaking stereotypes and embracing your curves no matter what size you are. We are all beautiful in our own unique way, ladies! Spreading body positivity and embracing your curves is the way to go. I specifically said, NO BLACK when Vivy (Yusof) asked me to be on board for the collection. I want women to find joy in wearing colours because it’s the easiest way to be stylish.

Tell us your top three looks from the ‘Not Fragile’, Min Luna x Fashion Valet collection. 

Mega hard to choose! During the curating and conceptualising process, I made sure I thought of every woman out there. The blazers are pretty neat. There’s a ‘Monday Blues’ blazer set that has two different stripes, and also a cut-out blazer in navy for women who are bored of the normal office-friendly silhouette blazer. There’s also a cool selection of dresses made from Norma prints that are amazing! OMG, I’m afraid I’ll start spilling about the entire collection so I’ll stop now! (laughs). Stay tuned for the launch, guys!

Nothing worth doing is without hard work, effort, blood, sweat, and tears. Tell us, what was the most challenging part of putting the collection together?

Fabric wise! Choosing the fabric was hard but I was extremely lucky to have an experienced team to help me out.

Thanks for the inside scoop, we can’t wait for the launch of the collection. Lastly, what is your life’s mantra to live by?
I believe in two. One is, ‘if you can’t be the solution, don’t be the problem’ and ‘beauty is pain.’

Credits: Photos are taken from @minluna

The post Min Luna: Mother of One, Fashion Stylist appeared first on Makchic.

Stay at home mums often juggle many responsibilities at a time. I wasn’t always a stay-at-home-mum (SAHM). In the first one and half years after becoming a mother, I worked. Thus I know what it feels like to be a full-time working mum (FTWM). Now, after my 3-year stint as a full time SAHM, I am uncovering what it’s like to be a work-at-home-mum (WAHM) as I recently accepted a contract for a freelance project management job.

In all these various permutations, it was while I was a SAHM  that I received a lot of awkward comments from strangers, family and friends.

It’s easy to strike up a conversation when you have a job (this is not to imply that SAHM’s don’t work). For example, aunties picking up their grandchildren or whom I meet at the pediatrics’s clinic will often start a conversation this way:

Aunty: Where do you work?

Me: In Putrajaya

Aunty: What do you do?

Me: I am doing work for the Government Transformation Programme

Aunty: Oh

At this point, if they have heard about the programme, we will talk about it further. If they give me a blank look, we would then chat about other things like who takes care of the kids when I go to work. They will ask if I have a good maid, and can I recommend the agent, and so on.

What do you do all day?

After I stopped working, the conversations steered in another direction. Some common comments thrown at me after I say “I don’t work” are:

“You just stay at home and look after the kids?”

“What do you do all day?”

“Oh dear, what a waste of your education!” (or in Malay, “rugi belajar tinggi-tinggi”).

“Oh, why don’t you start a business, like food delivery or baking?” (And in my head  I’m thinking: I can’t even feed myself most days with these 2 little monsters, when will I have the time to cook and deliver meals??)

The most uninvited response however, is “Do you want to generate extra income?” This is followed by a pitch to join some multi-level-marketing scheme or some other so-called “business” ventures.

Don’t take it to heart

Fortunately, I had ample warning from other SAHM friends and I knew better than to take these to heart. I would just smile and shrug it off and not let it bother me too much. After all, I knew my reasons for choosing this path, and I was not forced into it by anyone.

Although these remarks may seem unkind, I do believe that they were not intended to hurt my feelings. It might be they are genuinely ignorant about what a SAHM does all day. Some of them are not mothers, they are men, or single women, or they are older mothers who have forgotten what it’s like to have small toddlers.

Affinity and recognition

Then there are the neutral or good responses, often from friends who know better. Most of their comments are lighthearted and funny:

“Wow, you are so brave to stay at home with them!”

or “I’m sure working was easier, right?”

There are also the empathetic ones who say:

“Caring for the kids full-time? That in itself is already a full-time job!”

or “I could never do what you do!”

Soothing words to the soul

But in all my 3 years of being a SAHM, there was one particular encounter that I will never forget and which I have held on to dearly in my heart. I would remind myself of it whenever I needed a pick-me-up.

It was a response I received from an older woman whom I met in the vicinity of my condo. She always came to the condo to spend time with her grandchildren. After a few occasions  of bumping into each other in the car park and in the lift, one fine day, she asked me “You don’t work?”

I smiled and said “No”. She turned to glance at my then 1 year old baby whom I was carrying in my arm, and then at my then 3 year old toddler whom I had just picked up from school. And then she said “They are so lucky to have their mum with them everyday!”

My heart just bloomed, and a big wide smile spread across my face. Wouldn’t your heart bloom too, hearing this from a total stranger?

I need to type that again.

THEY ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE THEIR MUM WITH THEM EVERYDAY!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the perfect, most positive and uplifting thing that has ever been said to me about staying at home to care for my kids. No awkwardness, no jokes, no judgement. Just purely uplifting and beautiful.

Next time if you find yourself in a conversation with a mother and she says “I don’t work” and you don’t know what to say, you may borrow this line from this fine lady. I’m quite sure she wouldn’t mind.

The post Oh, you don’t work? appeared first on Makchic.

Finland gave us Nokia and Angry Birds. Recently, they showed us how to raise the best students in the world.

Interestingly, Finland’s schooling and child-raising focuses more on a child’s happiness and health rather than academic achievement.

And now, the world is getting a glimpse of the amazing support system they have in place for parents and families.

We talk to Finnish mothers Sanna and Kirsi, who share just how the Finnish people do parenting.

It is all about what’s best for the child

Finnish society has organised itself so that parenting and raising children is according to gender equality principles.

It all begins at birth. Most hospitals provide family rooms for both parents to be with the child after the delivery. The idea is to encourage the mother to focus on breastfeeding. Meanwhile the partner (typically the father) takes care of the infant’s hygiene.

Once settled at home, this arrangement continues. The father will usually take care of the cleaning and cooking. Visitors bring food to help temporarily lighten the load.

The Baby Box

The Finnish state also provides comprehensive maternal child health services.

Since the 1930s, expectant mothers who attend ante-natal appointments are entitled to a baby box  which becomes a cot with a mattress for the infant.

The baby box contains practical items such as baby clothes for the seasons, bodysuits, a sleeping bag, outdoor gear, bathing products for the baby, nail clippers, diapers and even contraception!

Families however, can opt for cash.

Sanna shared that “most first-time parents opt for the box as the value of the items is more than the cash. As the items are of good quality, I reused them for my second child and took the money instead”.

It doesn’t stop there…

Sanna, who worked as a maternal health nurse, said that hospital staff provide post-delivery support through home visits.

A nurse is assigned to the mother and she follows through from the time of the mother’s pregnancy until the child’s seventh birthday. This provides continuity of care.

They measure the baby’s growth, monitor the mother’s breastfeeding process and recovery, and more importantly, check how the family unit us faring. The arrival of a child and parenting can after all, be stressful.

The nurses are also trained to watch out for signs for possible domestic abuse and make interventions.

Kirsi shared that the highly trained nurses provided invaluable support to her, giving practical advice for all her “silly questions”.

They even help you make new friends!

Parenting is also supported through the joint 24 weeks parental leave after birth.

Coffee mornings for parents organised by the local authorities and churches are also important spaces for social support.

Both Sanna and Kirsi said that it was through these spaces that they made lifelong friends who journeyed with them in the trials and tribulations of parenting.

When parents share the load

Co-parenting is very much the care-giving model in Finland, where both parents are encouraged soothe, play, feed and clean the baby.

Kirsi explains that this arrangement often continues with school going children.

Children are also expected to be independent from young.

With both parents working, primary school children usually come home first. Whilst waiting for their parents (usually about 2 – 3 hours), they prepare their own snack, do some light chores and manage their time indoors or outdoors (which they do a lot of). The family will then cook dinner together.

And mother’s are freed to work

These arrangements and guaranteed public day care services has contributed to an almost equal number of men and women in the workforce.

Kirsi said that from her experience, work arrangements are also very flexible in Finland. For instance, it is common for parents to leave work early to attend to their children and pick up on the work later in the day.

A shared history that shaped the present

Sanna opines that the strong Finnish work ethic, where women and men worked side by side in industries to repay the debt gained from the post war food shortages  contributed to a gender equal environment, and a sense of pride from being financially independent.

“Although a woman can live off her husband, doing that is not something to be proud of. Finland’s women’s right movement is very strong”, she quipped.

It was the Finnish feminist groups that fought for universal day care and paid parental leave.

Gender equality also has roots in Finland’s government politics. Women could vote and stand for elections since 1907.

That election saw a total of 19 women elected to Parliament. Today, there is a total of 42% women members of parliament.

This was due to the reform of the Act on Equality between Women and Men.

The  Ministry of Social Affairs and Health has jurisdiction on matters pertaining to equality from a local to national level. It works to continuously improve gender equality matters.

A possible reality for Malaysian mums?

A new dawn has risen in Malaysia, and as more of us speak out, and get more involved, anything is possible.

Looking at historical trajectories of societies, I think this ideal of an equal partnership in families, could one day be a reality for us in Malaysia.

The post Mums of the World : Parenting in Finland appeared first on Makchic.

There are a few things no one tells you about pregnancy. One of them is that pregnancy is not always rainbows and butterflies. I have told my story about pre-eclampsia many times, but this will be the first time I am writing about it.

It was a Tuesday morning and I was about 30 weeks pregnant. I started seeing things differently, literally. My vision was getting weaker. At this point of my pregnancy, I was quite overweight. I was teasingly told it could just be my oversized hamster cheeks pushing up against my eyes.

Then came what I perceived to be anxiety attacks. I had trouble sleeping as my heart would beat rapidly. I took my blood pressure and found that I had stage 2 hypertension. However this came and went away, so I dismissed it as nothing serious.

Finally on a Friday, four days after it all began, I thought, this can’t be right. So I told my husband and then made an appointment to see my gynaecologist. As the next day was a Saturday, my gynae was away. Thus we had to look for another suitable doctor.

The big shocker

On Saturday I dragged my cankles off to a gynaecologist we found in Subang. He checked me and then said “Well, you have two options. You can either go to Hospital ‘XX’ to admit yourself, or go to your usual Hospital and admit yourself there. Either way you need to be admitted to the hospital today.”

He then explained that I had pre-eclampsia, a condition that can occur in pregnant women there is a problem with the placenta. The mother can develop high blood pressure, protein in her urine and fluid retention and swelling. Although most cases are mild, some can be serious and life-threatening for the mother and baby.

By then, I had lost sight in my right eye and the vision in my left eye was almost gone too. My blood pressure had skyrocketed so much it was going to affect my brain. I needed to be put on bed rest immediately.

My husband rushed me to our usual hospital with a letter in hand. When we got to the ER the nurses took me straight to a bed. That day, at 31 weeks pregnant, I was told I may have to have an early labour.

The next few days were a blur…

By 7pm that night, I was already in the High Dependency Unit (HDU) with tubes and needles everywhere. I was not allowed to move from the bed unless told otherwise. That’s how serious my pre-eclampsia was.

I was hooked up to a blood pressure machine which automatically checked my blood pressure every 15 minutes. A cardiotocograph (CTG) machine monitored my baby’s heartbeat. Meanwhile I was injected with the most painful jab I’ve ever had in my life. It contained a steroid to help my baby’s lung develop faster.

I went to sleep that night only to be woken up at 6 am by the nurses and doctor. They told me I had to undergo an emergency Caesarean section as my baby’s and my heartbeat were getting weaker. This is one of the risks of pre-eclampsia.

They explained everything to my husband and got him to sign some papers. By 9 am I was being wheeled in to the operation theatre (OT) and at 9.41 am my beautiful baby boy was born. Only I did not see it happen.

My birth story is a story my husband can tell in detail, but I can’t. They had to put me to sleep so as not to stress my body further. I woke up only after being wheeled out of the OT and was sent back to the HDU. Then the countdown to see my son began.

When things didn’t get better

We were told that once the baby was out, my vitals would improve but unfortunately, they didn’t. My blood pressure remained the same but now my oxygen level dipped.

The nurses came to fix an oxygen mask on me and more needles were inserted. I was so drugged up at that point, I hardly remember what was going on or who came to visit. Apparently, I lay on that bed for 5 days.

My family took turns to visit me when allowed, and I noticed their faces didn’t look all too great. I still had not seen my baby.

On Day 5, the nurses woke me up. They told me that if all went well I would be transferred to the normal ward and I could see my son. I was so ecstatic I was literally counting the hours. Finally, around 4 pm, I was wheeled to the normal room.

Seeing my baby for the first time

It was surreal. Feelings of guilt, feelings sadness, and feelings of joy all assailed me. There he was, a tiny baby, weighing all of 1.65 kg in that big old incubator. I was also told that I couldn’t breastfeed my son for a while as I was still under heavy medication.

As I was feeling weak and tired the first few days, I only managed to visit him a few times a day to talk to him and just look at him. The feelings of guilt never went away. There was the guilt of not spending enough time with him, not being able to feed him, and the guilt of having to give birth to him early.

The worst feeling was when I was discharged with a truckload of medication, but my baby had to continue his stay in the hospital.

That was 5 years ago. That is my story of pre-eclampsia.

Today, many people can’t believe that my son was born a preemie, eight to nine weeks early. His height is now within the top 10% percentile and he is as healthy as can be. We’ve definitely gone miles beyond the days of checking his heart beat every half an hour. Now we are too tired to run after him because the boy just can’t sit still. But you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way.

By Diana Annuar

Dee (Diana Annuar)  is a stay-at-home mom to a 5-year-old energiser bunny. Her days now consist of picking up toys, negotiating screen time and singing along to Teen Titans Go for the billionth time.

The post My Story: Pre-eclampsia appeared first on Makchic.

I am a mother of four, and I have Stage 4 cancer. It is incurable. But no matter what many others may believe, I firmly believe having advanced cancer is not a life sentence.

It has been a year since I discovered I had bone metastases, which means the cancer has spread to my bones. I was diagnosed with early-stage breast cancer in November 2016, but this metastases discovery automatically upgraded my status to a Stage 4 cancer patient.

What’s it like being a Stage 4 cancer patient?

I know what people think about Stage 4 cancers, and that they think that’s the end of the road for patients like me. But regardless of the time I have left, I must fight. I have four children who still need me every day, and every hour I have with them is so precious.

And there are others like me. We want to live. I want to see my kids grow up and graduate. We want to do so much, and we are up for anything, but there seems to be something always stopping us from trying to prolong our lives.

The sad truth is that despite having to fight this disease, patients have to struggle with an incredibly tough system. When patients are refused treatments or must go through too much red-tape to get treatments, their survival is then hampered. Their lives slowly dwindle.

Let’s talk about time

To date, Stage 4 cancers are incurable. Thus, the objective of treatment is shifted from curing the disease to giving patients quality of life, and to prolong life as much as possible. These treatments can be in many forms, such as surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, targeted therapy, immunotherapy or a combination of any of the treatments.

Do not disregard the significance of these treatments. Based on medical reports, the median life of a Stage 4 cancer patient is two years. But I have sat down at the same table with advanced breast cancer patients who have survived more than 8 years! I know of some who have lived 15 years.

These are the same people who were told by the doctors in government hospitals years ago to just go home and pray. That there is nothing they can do for them. Can you imagine what that must feel like?

The truth is that they can do something for these patients, but when it comes to costs, they favour early-stage cancer patients who have a chance at recovery. When patients are refused treatments because their cancer is incurable, what happens then?

Patients who can self-fund, or have insurance, may proceed to get treatments at private hospitals, but what about those who are unable to afford this? Not all cases referred to public hospitals are a lost cause, as proven by those who have survived.

Improving a system

Some patients also face extra charges from public hospitals if they had first received treatments at private hospitals due to the urgency of their situation. Perhaps they have exhausted all their funds, or initially received treatment or an initial investigation at private hospitals.

Why should patients be charged more just because they initially went to a private doctor? I feel this is thoroughly unjustified. There are many reasons why some patients opt for private institutions at first. It could be the long queue to get the first appointment, but the condition has worsened. Or the patient initially had insurance which has now ceased coverage. It could even be a general medical check-up that turned out to be cancer. We just want to be treated fairly.

As earlier stated, I was initially diagnosed with early-stage breast cancer. The truth was, I actually have a rare cancer known as neuroendocrine carcinoma. It just so happens to be in the breast, and so it was misdiagnosed as breast cancer.

If it was not for my nature of wanting to read and research every single medical term in my histopathology report, I would not have known the rareness of my cancer. I would not have known how aggressive it was. Most of all, I would not have known if I was getting the right treatment.

After enquiring about this cancer, I found out there are no specialists in Malaysia for this cancer. As there are very few cases around the world, there has not been a consensus on the right treatment method.

Can you imagine my horror?

I went into fight-or-flight mode. I had to self-advocate, and I reached out to the right people across the globe. I’m glad I did what I did. I managed to get in touch with one Neuroendocrine Tumour (NET) guru, one NET specialist and a NET nurse who are all advocates for the NET community. Through this community, I met less than a handful of cancer patients around the world with the same diagnosis as me.

I learned that although there is no one treatment for all patients of this cancer, there are first line, second line, third line treatments that have been used and which may work. With this knowledge, I discussed with my local oncologist and decided on a procedure that will hopefully suit me.

Being hopeful’s real costs

Yes, I have Stage 4 cancer, but I always have hope in my life. Every day I hope to hear positive improvements in our national health system. I always hope for the discovery of new cancer drugs that can somehow spark a miracle.

Understand that I am hopeful for a reason. It was just announced, for example, that the generic drug for Herceptin, a very effective medication to prolong life for Her2-positive breast cancer, was approved in Malaysia. Yay!

This is good news for Her2+ breast cancer patients, as they would otherwise need to fork up a whopping RM8,000 to RM10,000 per vial of Herceptin.

For the early stages of this breast cancer, patients would undergo between 16 to 18 cycles of treatments which would cost them around RM150,000! For advanced breast cancer patients, they need to undergo these treatments for as long as they have the funds in order to live. Although the price of the generic drug has yet to be revealed, it will certainly reduce the cost by some, and give more hope to patients.

This important co-relation between costs and the time left means patients like me need to do more than just sit back and wait for fate to take its course. It’s crucial for patients to know what they can do, and for others out there to treat us like we are still very much present and living.

My journey

I have been through a lot, and I have seen many different ways people react to the diagnosis of cancer. There are three phases. The first will be grief. Most, if not all, will find it hard to accept at first. Cry if you must. The next phase is getting back on their feet and facing the disease. This is acceptance – when a patient has learned to accept their situation, they can be positive while going through treatment. The third phase is redha and tawakkal, having faith in the Almighty.

What do I feel about things now? I have faith in the Almighty about my situation. Nevertheless, it does not mean I am throwing in the towel. I believe I must do all that I can.

World Cancer Day

On this World Cancer Day, I want to say thank you to the caregivers of cancer patients. You, who have stayed by the side of your loved ones, helping them through this dreaded disease. You make things better for us, and we thank you for being our backbone.

But caregivers, we know how strong you must be to support us emotionally, physically and mentally. Sometimes you fall, and you are not so strong. Please think about yourselves too, we want that for you. Take a break for yourselves. Refresh yourselves and feel good. My mother sacrificed everything for me and almost cancelled a trip to Japan because of me – I couldn’t accept that.

I salute every cancer patient who strives to fight cancer and live just like any ordinary person. My heart and prayers go out to all who have succumbed to it.

To those who may not know what to say or do when faced with a cancer patient like me, I’d say this:

We don’t want to be treated any different. Just listen when you can. You don’t need to respond with advice or tips, trust me, we hear enough from our doctors and caregivers. Just listen. Help us fight. We still want to live life and enjoy ourselves.

I still work, I need to work. I am a parent, and although I want to be the mother who is all loving and tender with her kids, I still find myself nagging them! But that’s the parenthood journey, it’s not all glory. Learn from everything and reflect on everything. I am still learning.

What does a day mean for me now?

Everything I was planning to do with the children in a few years, I want to do now. If I live long enough, then let us do those things again. But for now, I want to let them experience things while I’m around, and to create memories with them.

One more day means one more chance to enjoy the company of my loved ones. I wish I didn’t have to feel the pain, which is the first thing I feel every day. But I take my medicine and then I’m good for the day.

I want to value everything now. If there’s something I have learned through everything, it is to not give up easily and to always look at the better and brighter side of life.

By Hasnita Rosli

Hasnita is a Systems Applications and Products consultant and a computer programmer for the past 18 years. She’s also a momager to her 4 children, who are sometimes busier than she is. When she gets some ‘me time,’ she enjoys the spa and loves the hunt for good food.

All photos are from Hasnita’s personal collection.

The post My Story: I Have Stage 4 Cancer – Here’s What I Need You To Know appeared first on Makchic.

We need more girls. Over the past 15 years, the global community has invested a lot of effort in engaging and encouraging females to actively participate in science-related industries, however, the current numbers are not promising.

In 2015, the United Nations General Assembly declared 11^th February the International Day of Women and Girls in Science. The objective of this day is to celebrate females who are leading innovation, at the same time, to create awareness for gender equality and the empowerment of women and girls in science.

What else can we do? How can Malaysian parents find more inspiration for their daughters?

Parents will be thrilled to know that there is an organisation like Rail Girls KL to introduce women and girls to the world of coding. Inspired by the work of Linda Liukas, one of the founders of Rail Girls, the Kuala Lumpur chapter is part of a global network that teaches women and girls programming.

An inspiring figure, Liukas also authored Hello Ruby, a whimsical children’s book about the world of computers. She founded Rail Girls in Finland with Karri Saarinen in 2010. They aim to make technology and computer programming more accessible and approachable to girls. With a presence in more than 300 cities, the movement is fast gaining momentum.

Rails Girls KL was founded by Malaysians Sher Minn and Wunmin Wong back in 2017. Both now reside overseas and the current organising committee consists of Lindy Lim and Michelle Ler.

Lim is a recent A-Levels graduate who is continously seeking to improve her programming skills. Ler is currently pursuing a computer science degree. They organise free workshops that cover an introduction to technology, basic programming, sketching and prototyping. Considering they are actually volunteers with Rail Girls, their efforts are incredibly inspiring! These workshops are conducted with support from sponsors and experts from the industry who act as mentors to participants.

Some of the past programmes they have conducted include collaborations with Women Who Code in 2017 and 2018 for the Hour of Code. The workshop was aimed at youth from ages seven to 17. Rails Girls KL also organised a workshop called Ruby on Rails in 2018 which attracted over 140 applicants! Unfortunately, due to limited space, they had to limit the number of participants to 60. The youngest was 16 years of age and the oldest being in her 50s!

2019 Coding events by Rail Girls KL – Come one, come all!

1. March/April: Rails Girls will be partnering with mapping tech company HERE Technologies to conduct a workshop on JavaScript which will be open to all ages.
2. June: School holidays workshop targeted at teenagers aged 13 to 17.
3. December: Hour of Code workshop in collaboration with Women Who Code and Google developers. This workshop will be targeted at younger audiences.

Details of the events above are unconfirmed. Do follow Rails Girls KL on Facebook for further information.

Why coding?

As science and technology continue to permeate every aspect of our lives, being digitally literate is becoming more of a basic necessity.  In the simplest definition, coding is about developing a series of commands for the computer to follow. Imagine having that skill at your fingertips, the possibilities are endless!

Even if your child may not end up with a tech-related career, learning to code offers a lot of other advantages:

1. It improves critical thinking and problem solving – When a child codes, they break down a complex problem into smaller, more manageable parts. This encourages logical and computational thinking.  According to Dr. Dan Crow, Chief Technology Officer of Songkick, computational thinking “will help you understand and master technology of all sorts and solve problems in almost any discipline.”
2. It encourages creativity – By giving simple commands to the computer, kids are encouraged to experiment with various outcomes. This will inspire the child to be more curious, question assumptions and hopefully gain more confidence to explore their creativity.
3. It develops resilience –  Plenty of things can go wrong when you code. But what better way to build perseverance than working through the challenges faced. Coding teaches kids to be resilient in dealing with failures and to see that it is not necessarily a bad thing. Instead, it can be an opportunity to learn and simply bounce back.

If your child is too young to attend coding classes or workshops, you can always nurture the interest and start with STEM toys. Provide the opportunity for your daughters (and sons) to learn about technology and the way computers work. Hopefully, this will give them an advantage later on in life.

The post Rails Girls Kuala Lumpur: Opening the world of coding to girls appeared first on Makchic.

She wears many hats in the media industry and is a burst of sunshine wherever she goes. A mother of one, a television host, emcee, actress, and co-founder of lifestyle site, www.megsmesh.com; Megan’s on a roll and making the world her oyster.

She recently sat with makchic and chatted with us about her fashion influences, secrets to bouncing back to her pre-pregnancy body, and her adorable son.

Hi Megan! Could you describe your personal style, and who are your influences?

I would say I am simple, chic, and classy. I’ve always adored Blake Lively and of course, Victoria Beckham’s style.

Any favourite designers on your radar?

I am very much a high street fashion kind of person, so I don’t really have a favourite designer.

You dressed your bump well during your pregnancy! What were some of your go-to brands while you were pregnant? Any recommendations?

Believe it or not, even when I was pregnant, I stuck to the usual brands I love like Zara and H&M. But of course, I was very picky when it came to choosing the material to ensure that they were comfortable enough and could stretch with me as my belly grew! (laughs) Also, I would still wear fitted clothes because why not? I was all about flaunting that bump!

What do you miss about being pregnant?

Styling the bump and the pregnancy perks like people giving up their seats, or allowing you to jump the queue (grins).

What are your most treasured things in your wardrobe and why?

At the moment, they’re my bra tops and seamless bras! It’s because I’m still breastfeeding and really, they’re so comfy and convenient. On a more serious note though, I would say the pieces that I managed to nab during the H&M x Balmain collection launch which I queued overnight for in 2015. Yup, I slept along the streets of KL for that collection!

Name us three things on your fashion wish list now?

A sleek pair of white heels (they’re so hard to find), off-shoulder tops, and headbands.

Any style tips for mummies out there?

Embrace your new curves and stay true to your personal sense of style. Although you may need to make some adjustments due to time constraints to get ready or the need to be breastfeeding-friendly, I must say never get lazy but get creative instead!

Give us a pro-tip on beauty that you swear by:

I would never ever go to sleep with my makeup on no matter how tired I am. I always remove my makeup with an emulsifying cleansing oil before washing my face with a cleanser. This way, my face is cleansed thoroughly compared to using facial wipes.

Can you tell us more about your adorable son, Miles? 

Miles is a year old and I can’t believe how time flies. He truly is such a pure and joyful soul, not forgetting a social baby! (laughs) I’ve learned to be more patient and never to underestimate a baby. They observe and absorb more than we know. They may not speak just yet but they definitely vibe off you and feel deeply; because of that, I’ve learned to be more positive, patient, and kinder in hopes that he feeds off the right kind of energy from me.

Top three travel tips for travelling with a baby?

Make sure your diaper bag is well-equipped with all the necessities including your child’s favourite snacks and toys. Invest in a good baby carrier so you can be hands-free and it’s great for helping the baby fall asleep on-the-go. Keep a positive mind and vibe throughout and whatever happens, stay calm and don’t panic.

What’s your secret to bouncing back to your pre-pregnancy body?

Honestly, I’ve been eating everything and anything I want. Before you start throwing hate comments at me, it’s because I am still breastfeeding so I like to think I can afford the calories. I’m also blessed with a relatively high metabolic rate (for now) which is probably due to my genetics. But of course, I do put in some work as well. I work out in my room whenever I can. I squeeze in a short five to 10 minutes workout, following a YouTube workout video and if I have more time, I will go for a ‘Fight HIIT’ session at FlyProject.

Your top three places in KL for a family day out:

Aquaria KLCC, Farm In The City, and Pavilion KL

Best advice for new mums:

There’s no right formula to be the perfect mum. Just do you and what you feel is best for your child. In short, follow your instinct.

Credits: All photos taken from @themegantan

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