Being a new mum can be a daunting task. You get advice and stories from experienced mothers who tell you it’s a lot of hard work and sleepless nights. But nobody can ever truly know what it all entails until you become one.  

For television personality and radio deejay Patricia Sue-Lin Knudsen, motherhood brought real challenges, even as she enjoyed her new role. Knudsen, fondly known as Patricia K, said becoming the mum of little one-year-old Sophia gave her a greater understanding of what new mothers go through.

“I just remember being so tired and messy after I gave birth. I really felt like it was such a hard time and that all the help given was so appreciated. Also, I just literally looked like a bum for 3 months,” she said.

She remembers that time so vividly that she decided to organise a Mum’s Day Out contest via Instagram recently – giving a new mother a chance for some care and pampering.

“I just wanted to give someone the chance to come out, and have a nice day out – I knew I would have appreciated that back then too,” she said.

Smooth Start

Knudsen describes the start of her journey to motherhood as a relatively easy one – it was a smooth birthing experience that began the morning her water broke in the bathroom. She was unsure whether it was indeed her water breaking, so she went to get confirmation from her doctor. Contractions began at 7.30pm, and she was in the hospital an hour later.

“I was pacing the hallway for a while, crying,” said Patricia. By 5am, despite having had an epidural and endless contractions, baby had not arrived. A doctor was called in for a possible incision to help with the delivery. 

This news scared Patricia, who promptly “gained superpowers” and delivered her baby with four women and her partner, DJ Joey G, cheering her on.  

Post-partum pain

The phase after delivery proved to be more intense and challenging. Just like any new mum, Patricia said she suffered a bit for the first few months. She felt a bit lost. Everything was new to her and she was always worried.

She said she went through many ups and downs. “I was so tired all the time and the healing process took a while. There was a lot of pain.”

It was quite the journey, she said, but there was nothing she would change about her experience. “I am glad we did everything, and that we really learnt how it was to be new parents. It’s just really crazy to be honest!” she said.

New Mother: Real Talk!

All her experiences and understanding inspired her to run her Mum’s Day Out contest, which culminated in her gifting a full day of pampering to a new mother – Balqis Osman – recently. The contest – which saw participants uploading a photo or video to Instagram and completing the sentence “Being a new mum is …” – featured prizes from a group of sponsors supporting Knudsen’s cause.

Balqis’ winning entry proved to be more of a little story, aptly demonstrating the craziness of motherhood.

Being a new mom is… coming up with inventive ways to feed yourself while feeding a baby. Not being always being able to shower, much less wash your hair, and possibly wearing the same stinking pyjamas three days in a row. Crying through sore, cracked nipples at each latch – but it does get better! Worrying about suffocating your baby with your big boobs.  Dealing with a jealous elder (fur) brother, who will scratch the sofa and destroy your flip flops while you breastfeed because he knows you can’t do anything about it.

Being welcomed into a secret “mothers’ club” by all the moms who have been there before you. Laughing at how loud baby farts are and baby’s poopy face. Then grossing out at the resulting diaper bomb. Staring at their little faces, fingers and toes all day, everyday, coz they’re so cute. Getting to sniff that new baby smell and shower them with kisses everyday, because they are all yours forever and ever.

Hoping to be able to get a pamper day and look fabulous once again… if only for a little while ”

Knudsen said she wished she could have picked more than one winner as the contestants “were all wonderful”.

“The contest was just a gesture to a new mother who needs a bit of a pick me up. I think every mum needs a bit of that when they give birth, and in the first year. Especially if they don’t have much help,” she said.

I had such an awesome and fun day out with Balqis, who was the lucky winner of the MDO contest. It was her first time away from her little 8 weeks old baby boss, but I truly believe all new mums need a bit of TLC during the first 100 dark days of having a baby (if not more). I would like to thank some of my favourite and most generous brands that I truly support – @76_style @76_charles @nailsmith.publika @beautygenemy @phiclinicmalaysia @thaiodyssey @offspringnatural – thanks for having my back on this idea and giveaway. I hope we can do more of these in the future for other deserving and lovely people @beeheggie Sending lots of love to you and your family. X #MDOwithPatK #76_style #BeautygeneMY #ThaiOdyssey #OffSpringNatural #NailsmithPublika #Phiclinic_Malaysia #FilmedandeditedbyPatK

A post shared by Patricia K (@patriciaknudsen) on Nov 1, 2017 at 5:54am PDT

Parenting Together

As for Knudsen’s continuing journey with baby Sophia? She said she has been doing her best to fit activities like a workout regime into her schedule. Thankfully, she said her partner Joey has been amazing as a dad.

“He has been there from the start and I know that Sophia will always have her dad to lean on. It’s great to see when men step up to the plate. It should be equal in the household when it comes to taking care of the kids.

“He changes nappies, feeds her and does everything I do. But I always laugh because, just like Ali Wong says: “It takes so little to be considered a great dad, and it takes so little to be considered a shitty mum!”

By Brianne Aeria

Brianne Aeria was all about 9-to-6 workdays until she gained a new boss, her son Isa Alexander Ruffin. Now a freelance writer and NirvanaFitness instructor, she spends her days chasing her toddler around and being wrapped around his little finger.

Photos courtesy of Patricia Knudsen

The post [Interview] Patricia Knudsen: It was such a hard time appeared first on Makchic.

Ultimately, it was my motherly instincts that told me, “Something isn’t right.”

At his first birthday party, my son cried endlessly when everyone sang ‘Happy Birthday’. Going out was always a nightmare; he would cry endlessly until we got to the car. At 18-months, he was still babbling, not forming words. I waited for him to point eagerly at objects or people. I’m still waiting. Eating was a problem too, until my mother discovered a trick to feeding him.

He was fascinated by fans and objects that spin. He played with toys but was also drawn to water bottles as playthings. On the whole, he was a happy child when in his comfort zone. But I wasn’t in denial either. I saw the signs. I had to do something.

First Steps: Diagnosis

I first researched methods and qualified professionals to diagnose any special needs. The last thing I wanted was a misdiagnosis or unnecessary tests. It was not about the costs, I just did not want my baby to go through unnecessary trauma. I learned that diagnosis for special needs would be given by child development consultants, child psychiatrists or child psychologists.

I previously had bad experiences with private hospitals, so I opted to seek consultation from a government hospital. Calling government hospitals almost always gets you nowhere, so I resorted to writing. I emailed paediatric departments of government hospitals and to my utmost surprise, I got a reply almost immediately from one of them.

But the waiting list was six months long. Once I had wrangled through the red tape, a doctor called me herself (to my amazement) to fix the appointment four months down the road. The wait was agonising. My son celebrated his second birthday. This time he cried again at ‘Happy Birthday’ but not as much. “There’s hope,” I thought, and continued waiting.

Finally the day arrived, 18 August 2017. The doctor spent two hours with us. My husband and I answered what seemed like endless questions about the past two years of my son’s life. And then, the waiting was over, the words were uttered and there was no turning back: “I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but your son has autism.”

Making Sense of the News

My brain went into overdrive. Questions poured out. I made note of the doctor’s recommended websites for therapy and information. Referrals were given within the hospital for therapy and tests. I started planning – ‘I’ll come back on Monday to get appointment dates. Who would watch my son when I did that? Would I drive? What about parking?’ Looking back, I wonder how I managed to do that. Fate had dealt us a challenging hand, and here I was taking notes and making plans.

Next, it was time to break the news to family and friends. The responses are still fresh in my mind:

• “He is too young, are you sure it’s the right diagnosis?”
• “But he looks normal.”
• “Are you thinking of another child? This is the best time to have one because once your son goes to school he may need you more.”
• “Oh no, I am so sorry” (followed by awkward pause)
• “You are the cause of your child’s autism. It is what you consumed during your pregnancy. Now, you have to control his diet. Cut out all sugars and dairy from his food intake.” (This advice was given to me by a regular doctor treating me for severe gastric pains)

There was also some finger pointing at vaccines – a friend claimed that “healthcare professionals refused to admit that one in four get autism” with a certain vaccination, even though there was no conclusive data that proved this.

I knew family and friends meant well and I was not offended by anyone. Sometimes, people don’t know how to react. I too have been guilty of reacting awkwardly in the past. But out of the many reactions and responses I received, these touched me immensely:

• “I don’t know what to say, just know that we are always here for you.”
• “Special children are only given to special parents.”

I Don’t Know

Every day, I hold on tightly to the sources that say the first five years of a child’s life is key to their development. The silver lining to me is that early detection leads to early intervention. My road to discovering my child’s autism is just beginning. I am now uttering the words I fear most as a parent: “I don’t know and I need help.”

I wish I knew the road to diagnosis was the easy part. The road ahead to therapy will prove more challenging. For now, I know that the only relief to my worries was and is the support of my family, without whom I would not have the courage to pen down this experience.

By Desiree Kaur

Desiree Kaur worked in Public Relations for over 8-years until she ventured into teaching. She now owns a tuition centre and spends most of her time with her 2-years old son.

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Stay tuned to makchic.com for Desiree’s continuing journey with her autistic child.

The post My Story: Beginning My Journey With a Special Needs Child appeared first on Makchic.

I was raised within a village. Not a literal village, but the proverbial village that it takes to raise a child – I was surrounded by aunties, uncles, cousins, and cared for by my paternal grandmother while my parents worked.

When my parents moved to the UK for further study, however, I was no longer part of that village. I was two and too young to remember, but my dad still reminisces about that time. I had to be kept occupied when my mum slept (she was a nurse and worked night shifts) and dad worked on his Masters.

But we moved back to Malaysia, and I was welcomed back into the arms of my village. It was awesome, infuriating (the way families can be), and I never felt alone.

Without my village

When I moved to Australia to be with my now-husband, I had wondered how things would be like for our future children. I held on tight to the knowledge that if my parents could do it, raising a toddler in a foreign country without the support of a village, surely I could do it too.

In 2014, my son was born 11 days overdue. It was three days before my mother had to fly home to Malaysia – she had taken three weeks off work to be with me to assist with my ‘confinement’ period. When she left, it started to sink in that we were, effectively, alone.

My husband had time off work, fortunately, but we were living in regional Victoria. We were far from friends and family in Melbourne. His own family were hours away. There were friends we could call on for help, in a pinch, but it wasn’t the same.

When things were going all right, I felt fine. But if I started imagining worst-case scenarios, where either my husband or I were unable to look after our son, it would bring me to tears. I had never felt so alone or so uncertain.

What you make of it

I had to make my own village, albeit an electronic one. A friend from antenatal classes became my lifeline in the first year of my son’s life. We texted several times a day about our babies and our bodies. We made plans every few days to do something together.

In the absence of family close by, my friend became my family. She didn’t come from the same cultural background as me. She didn’t understand some things like the traditional confinement period. But she listened and respected those differences, as I did hers.

My mothers’ group – a council initiative to connect new mothers in the area to peers and local health services – was also crucial to my mental and emotional wellbeing. We all came from different backgrounds but bonded as our babies were, in many cases, born just days apart. While I’ve moved across the country, we still keep in touch to ask for advice – or have a rant – in our private Facebook group.

Not without challenges

Raising my child outside the village has been hard, but it’s also been a character-building experience. Without having to rely on the wisdom of my elders on hand, I’ve had to be resourceful. I had to push through the darkest moments of early parenthood, and there were many.

My husband has become an equal partner in raising our child, and I don’t feel the need to micro-manage everything. (I mean, sure, I would probably do things a little differently, but …)

At times, I do feel bad about raising my child away from his cousins and his grandparents. But he knows no different. And we’ve all consciously made an effort to see each other every few months, despite our geographical distances. When our son sees his extended family, it’s like they’ve never been apart. He is just as affectionate with them as he is with us.

Looking Ahead

As he grows older, there will no doubt be more challenges. We’re lucky we haven’t yet been in a situation where we both cannot care for him, due to illness or injury, but we know we have people we can call on.

A few months ago, we packed up the contents of our home to move halfway across Australia. We left behind our first home, jobs we loved, and the network of friends we came to regard as family for better prospects. It wasn’t the first time we’ve done it on our own, and it probably won’t be our last.

Thanks to technology and social media, for most of the part, our electronic village has come with us. We may not have a village around us as we raise our child, but it’s brought us closer as a family.

By Faye Song

Faye Song is a former journalist now working in marketing and communications. She lives in Darwin, where she enjoys the best of Southeast Asia (the food and night markets) and Australia (the workday that ends punctually at 4.21pm), with her husband, toddler and small dog.

The post My Story: Raising a child outside my village appeared first on Makchic.

In ‘Mums of The World’, we ask mothers from other countries and cultures about their babies, parenting and unique traditions. This week we find out all about Australian mothers and their experiences in the land Down Under! 

Motherhood is a Very Social Experience

Many new mothers are assigned to a group in their local area within the first few weeks after their baby is born. If you haven’t been assigned one, you can easily go online to find a local playgroup, or connect with other mums on social media forums. These gatherings usually start with sessions hosted in a community centre, and mums share stories or exchange advice about breastfeeding and daily motherhood. Later on, the group can arrange their own sessions which usually involve a stroll, either at a park or beach, or playdate excursions as the bubbas get older.

These social gatherings are crucial to Aussie mums as it keeps us sane through regular adult interaction and emotional support. It also helps promote the social development of our children. It’s also how we develop amazing, lifelong friendships with like-minded ladies.

“Once our mothers group was established, we were always together having coffee, sharing cake, breastfeeding. We also cook for each other. I found a lot of random neighbours and friends started turning up with food. Which was awesome!” says Kate A.

Li En W. also found joining a mum’s group to be an enriching experience. “The idea of weekly meetings with strangers you may have absolutely nothing in common with (except having a baby) was initially a daunting concept. But in the end it was a reassuring one! I’ve made friendships that have lasted over 3 years and on to our second babies now.”

Bubba’s First Vegemite is a Major Milestone

I don’t know any mum who doesn’t whip out a camera the moment our child takes a bite of his/her first Vegemite! Anita T says: “We send photo printouts to family and friends for several key occasions: when baby turns a month old, bubba’s annual photo with Santa, and to celebrate the first time baby had Vegemite toast”. This salty, dark spread made from brewer’s yeast, is such an iconic Australian snack many grew up on. Safe to say it’s a popular and regular lunchbox item.

Stroller, Bub and Pup

The average Australian lifestyle is generally quite healthy and outdoorsy. We are up at the crack of dawn for a run or yoga class. Weekends are spent outdoors at the park tossing a ball around, or hitting the beach for a swim or surf. So it isn’t an uncommon sight to see our local neighbourhood peppered with Lorna Jane-clad mums pushing bubs in Babyjogger strollers, with a pup on a leash. It’s also the best way for us to get our post-baby body back in shape – doing an activity that both mum and baby can enjoy. We are also spoilt for choice when it comes to fitness activities that take motherhood into consideration. There are plenty of gyms and public swimming pools that offer creche services.  Boot camp sessions for new mums also usually have an on-site childminder, and many yoga studios offer Mum-and-Bub sessions.

Slip, Slop, Slap

Sun safety is serious business among Australian mums, thanks to our harsh sunny conditions and active, outdoor lifestyle. Children are also taught sun safety habits from a young age with a simple mantra of “Slip, Slop, Slap”. Slip on cool, loose-fitting clothing that covers as much skin as possible. Slop on SPF30 (or higher) sunscreen. Slap on a hat.’

Generous Parental Leave and Flexi-Career Options

Australians benefit from having employers that are generally very supportive of a good work-life balance.

“In comparison to other countries, Australia has pretty awesome maternity leave policies. Governments and employers offer quite generous paid parental leave options for both primary and secondary care givers,” says Preeya R.

On top of that, it is not uncommon for new mothers to go off on maternity for up to a year, on a combination of paid and unpaid leave. They still have a guaranteed position with the same employer for when they’re ready to return to work. The government offers up to 18-weeks of paid maternity leave at the minimum national wage, payable to primary carers via their employers. Employers also offer flexi-career options for mothers who opt to return to the workforce. They can work on a part-time basis instead of the regular five-day-work-week arrangement.

Bonds Zippies Rule!

Photo credit: Bonds Blog

As a midwife, Catriona D observes that the way different cultures dress their babies is different. “For example, I notice Asian newborns are always dressed in little wrap around tops held together with fabric ties on the inside, and mittens! Always mittens! Whereas the standard newborn ‘uniform’ for Aussie babies is the Bonds onesie.”

And most mums, including Misty H, would agree with this statement. “Surely there’s nothing more Australian than the ‘Wondersuit’? It’s ubiquitous!”

Messy Play and Going Barefoot

One thing that confounds tourists is seeing Aussie kids running around barefoot in various states of undress. Many go topless or are just in their nappies. As Vanessa L laughingly recalls: “My Malaysian mum was very bewildered when she visited me and saw small kids being out and about without shoes or wearing only nappies without pants.” Children are allowed (even encouraged) to get dirty without worrying about ruining their clothes.

Mums generally feel it’s healthier to be exposed to a bit of dirt than live in an over-sanitised environment. So don’t be surprised if you see babies happily having tummy time in a playground sandpit.

Play-based Learning and Child-Led Readiness for School

There is hardly any mum worried about her child getting ‘left behind’ in formal education or missing opportunities to get ahead of their peers. What’s more important is that the child is happy and ready to navigate the schooling environment confidently and independently. Holding a child back a year from attending primary school is not only acceptable practice. It’s considered a wise choice if it’s based on a child’s individual rate of development.

Kindergartens and day cares also tend to promote play-based learning. The general Aussie sentiment is that this is the best way for children to learn skills that will prepare them for school and life.

Swimming Starts Early

In Australia, 85% of the population live within 50km of the coast. Water activities have a very significant place in our lifestyle. According to Kate A, there is “massive pressure here for kids to learn how to swim.” Other mothers like Anna Y agree with this. “There’s a greater awareness of water and water safety. That’s because we have so many pools, and beaches that are so nice. I feel if a child doesn’t know how to swim here, they’re deprived.”

It is extremely rare to find an Australian pre-schooler who isn’t enrolled in a swim class. Some classes are even available to babies as young as 2 months old. As Michelle V puts it, “I’m always shocked when I hear people can’t swim. I feel like it’s embedded in Australian culture. We will always be around the ocean and you need to know how to swim from a young age.”

The Coffee Culture

Aussies have an awesome and famous love affair with (delicious) coffee. This coffee ritual is lovingly shared with our children in the form of Babycinos. They enjoy frothed milk sprinkled with drinking cocoa, served with two marshmallows!

Lunchbox

Go to any playground or observe any mummy-child outing and you will notice that morning tea and lunch usually involves a picnic with a home-packed lunchbox. Buying food from a café is not only expensive, it can also be difficult to find healthy options for children. Day cares and schools also generally do not provide meals. So every Aussie mum is pretty much a lunchbox expert. The average lunchbox will usually consist of fresh fruit, raw veggie sticks, a sandwich or rice cakes, a milk or juice box, and a small treat like popcorn or a biccie (that acts as a reward once the kids finish their lunchbox).

By Alena Couzet

Alena Couzet is a coffee-guzzling, Ewok-loving beach junky and mother of two living in Queensland, Australia. Formerly in sales and marketing, she is now a stay-at-home mum trying to balance living a sustainable, eco-friendly lifestyle with her love for travel, good food and online shopping.

The post Mums of The World: Australia – Social and Outdoorsy appeared first on Makchic.

When we stopped sharing about our family online, my husband and I didn’t expect a lot would change. After all, we weren’t influencers, we weren’t addicted to social media. We couldn’t have imagined how such a seemingly small decision would really impact our parenting style in a lasting way. We knew people did social media detoxes – usually in an attempt to be more mindful – but for us, the decision to delete our accounts happened because we had a second child.

Going from one to two children had proved infinitely more draining on our emotional health. There was quite simply too much on our plates to handle now. One of the first things we had to do was re-prioritise everything. We had to make time for what mattered most at the moment: our family.

Thankfully my husband I are really good at having important ‘life or death’ type conversations, a direct result of having lost several loved ones to cancer. We reflected on what we wanted our family culture to look like on a daily basis. How we wanted our children to remember us when we were gone. We had already been pretty mindful about raising our children with presence and purpose. Having our second child, however, really pushed us to rethink what worked and what had to change.

Of the many things we decided to restructure, the one that showed the most surprising results was leaving social media. We came to discover how distracted and disconnected we had become with our digital lives. There was a renewed appreciation for privacy and authenticity, and it helped both our children and ourselves thrive in (real) life.

Here are the three things that have had the most positive impact on our lives as parents:

The Only Opinions that Matter

As a Girl Scout in school, I’d been taught that ‘the chief obstacle to happiness comes from the over eager desire to have people think about you.’ Funnily, I had grown up to do exactly that, especially when I became a mother. I wanted to portray myself in a certain way. I posted pictures of my kids eating healthy food or having fun outdoors, in an effort to seek validation and external praise. David Brooks writes in his book, ‘The Road to Character,’ that social media has bred a ‘broadcasting personality’ where, “the self-cultivator spends more energy trying to display the fact that he is happy, posting highlights, than being truly happy.” Reading that struck a chord with me because even as a new mother who was honestly exhausted, resentful and oftentimes unhappy – there was still a huge part of me that craved the approval of others.

In truth, the only opinion that matters to me is my husband’s. He has a very practical long-game way of looking at life which I have always loved. So in retreating from all public exhibition of our lives, he became my source of judgement and approval. I also sought the sincere counsel of only the closest to me. I could feel myself becoming more secure as a parent, as the circle of people I entrusted became tiny. As I disappeared from friends’ feeds, the external pressure I’d felt to be the ‘perfect’ mom lifted. My mind was no longer occupied with self-glorification, or comparisons and strife. Instead, I was finally able to focus fully on the responsibility that had been placed before me: raising my children the best way I know how.

Model an Authentic Life

My boys are constantly watching me, whether it’s at work, speaking to strangers, or driving in the car. They detect what really matters to me, through my daily interactions and behaviour when we are alone. Being on social media meant my children saw how I took photos, posted them, and then checked for likes, all during our play time together. I had been intentional about putting my phone down as much as possible. But it was extremely distracting to be online around my children. It was only a matter of time before my ‘screen-free’ sons would be constantly connected too. I was not exactly modelling the healthy relationship with technology I hoped they would have in the future.

I wanted to demonstrate life through agency and action. I’d like to give them the wisdom to grow in humility, not the desire to be famous. I hoped to impart a sense of joy that doesn’t necessarily need to be shared with the whole world. As my sons continue to witness how I live without social media, I can only hope it will have a positive influence on what they choose to focus their lives on. If that fails, at least they will have interesting stories about how their mom had no digital life!

Build a Real Community

These days, I only know what’s happening with my friends when they update me directly. I’ve missed birthdays, have no idea when people are traveling, or who is pregnant. It’s been great, largely because I love catching up with people in person. The biggest change in friendships however, is that I’ve unexpectedly made lots of new friends. Actual people-who-live-in-my-neighborhood friends.

It has been more fulfilling to be a part of someone’s life, than it is to receive ‘likes’ and comments on my posts from distant connections. It also takes a lot of effort to construct relationships as a grown up, with people who live and work around you. Being part of a real community has proven to be my favourite thing about being social media free. I’ve come to love being able to walk over to a friend’s house on the way to the park. It could be just to say ‘Hi’ or drop off some food. I’ve learnt that real community is not about Facebook groups, but a vital part of everyday family life. And children, who again watch what we do, can learn kindness, friendship and love on the very street they live on.

Some people wonder if our family will be ‘back’ on social media, as if it was just an experiment. We usually reply that we see no real reason for being connected that way as parents anymore. Being social media free has been life-changing. I am still an overwhelmed mom most days, struggling to balance work and family, and I am constantly trying to improve. Social media-free parenting did not magically make my life easier, but it personally challenged me to really focus on my family and truly give this whole parenting thing my best shot.

By Michelle Chua

Michelle Chua is the author of ‘The Mindful Mom’ and Co-facilitator of the Art Discovery Tours for Kids at the ILHAM Gallery in KL.

The post My Story: Social Media-Free Parenting appeared first on Makchic.

Every time the British royal family announced Kate Middleton’s previous pregnancies, it was always coupled with news that she was taking time off from her royal duties due to Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG), commonly described as ‘severe morning sickness’.

This is a topic close to my heart, because I too, suffer from Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Coincidentally, both my pregnancies were around the same time as the duchess’ pregnancies with Prince George and Princess Charlotte. In a way, I was relieved that such a famous person was going through it because it made it easier to explain to others, especially to my colleagues. I would say “I have Hyperemesis, you know, that thing that Kate Middleton has”.

Hyperemesis- more than just severe morning sickness

According to the Hyperemesis Education & Research Centre , HG is characterised by weight loss, malnutrition and dehydration due to severe vomiting and/or nausea during pregnancy. While doctors typically associate HG with heightened hCG hormone level, there isn’t any conclusive research that can fully explain the cause of HG, for example, why only one in 100 women has this condition.

As with other health conditions, HG comes in varying degrees. In my case, the vomiting started at week 8 of the pregnancy when it was still tolerable at three times a day. But at around weeks 8 to 12, HG became apparent as I threw up everything I ate and drank, and when there was nothing left to vomit, I would vomit bile. That was about 4 weeks of what seemed like a vomit fest! It left me depleted of all energy, and my days would just see me drift in and out of sleep. I was also completely dependant on an IV drip for hydration and nutritional support for myself and the growing baby.

Between weeks 13 to 15, I was discharged to recover at home, where the vomiting was reduced to around three times a day with the help of anti-vomit drugs.

Hyperemesis also completely wrecked me emotionally, especially during the second pregnancy because I couldn’t function as a mum to my firstborn, who was only a year old at the time. I missed caring for her and needless to say, she turned from ‘team mummy’ to ‘team daddy’.

Since not many people around me know about HG and the extent that it can do, much less how to deal with a person going through it, I hope the following can shed some light to help other mums going through this ordeal.

Things not to say to a person going through HG:

 1) “It’s all in the mind, don’t give in to the sickness” (or in Malay,“Jangan layan sangat sakit tu”).

Let me tell you first hand that it is not in the mind. It is the freaking hormones going haywire and making you vomit everything, leaving you drained of any energy. It is not overplay. Saying these things will only make us feel like we don’t possess strong will-power, or that we want to drown ourselves in pity.

The suffering is real. You can’t just get up and get on with your day when you haven’t had sufficient food or drink for weeks. Trust me, nobody wants to stay in bed for weeks and puke out stomach acid that burns their entire esophagus. Nobody!

2) “When I had morning sickness, ginger tea and plain crackers helped me to stop vomiting”.

Yes, that may help the usual morning sickness, but it won’t do anything to a person with HG. Of course, there are varying degrees to the ordeal. Some mothers will be extremely dehydrated and need to be hospitalised. Some may be able to control the vomiting with the help of prescribed drugs. But what’s certain is that crackers and ginger tea (and anything else) will only end up in the puke bucket five minutes later.

So how do you help a HG mum during this difficult phase?

The two most important things to someone with HG:

An understanding & supportive husband

My first pregnancy was probably just as challenging for my husband as it was for me. Neither of us knew how long the HG would last and how bad it could get. He sometimes got tired of cleaning up my puke bucket and asked me to stop throwing up, as though it was within my control.

But after going through the whole episode, he became a pro during my second pregnancy. He also read up a lot more about it and understood how difficult it was for me.

He always reminded me that this ordeal would end after a few months and at the end of it, we would be rewarded with a cute little baby.

A HG husband needs to be there emotionally for the wife, as negative thoughts will often cloud her mind. I remember blaming my husband for this ordeal, being the one who impregnated me, as though I wasn’t part of the equation. And to be brutally honest, the thought of terminating the pregnancy did come to mind. I read that other HG mums often felt that way too.

During this difficult time, it is crucial for a husband to remind his wife that her suffering is just temporary, and that there will great blessings and rewards from God for enduring such trials.

Words of encouragement from friends and family

I remember crying after the doctor did an ultrasound and told me the baby was growing fine despite my condition. I cried to my aunt who came to visit, because I didn’t feel at all happy to know that the baby was okay. I felt that it was the baby’s fault that I got so sick. Yes, it’s weird what hormones can do to you.

My aunt reminded me that there are a lot of people who wish they could have a child. She said singer Siti Nurhaliza (who at that point had not announced her pregnancy) would have done anything to have what I have, so I had to be strong and thankful.  That made me smile, and our conversation made quite an impression on me.

It is important to have family members and friends to remind you to be strong and see the bigger picture, because depression is common among HG sufferers.

Support during HG

When I shared on Facebook that I was going through Hyperemesis Gravidarum, friends who had experienced it before reached out to me. They were good confidants and helped me feel normal. Sometimes, all your friends can say is “We feel you, hang in there,” but it does make a difference. If necessary, connect with Hyperemesis Gravidarum support groups on Facebook. It helps to talk to women who have been through it.

It is my hope that more people are aware of HG and how it goes beyond just being about morning sickness. When I heard about Kate Middleton’s third pregnancy, my first thought was “Was it an accident?”. I could not – cannot – imagine anyone wanting to go through HG for the third time!

But mums are crazy like that. We will go through anything for our babies.

So to all Kate Middletons out there, from one HG sufferer to another, hang in there. All will be worth it when you breathe in that newborn baby smell, and see your baby smiling at you!

By Farah Bashir

Farah Bashir used to drive the National Transformation Programme as a management consultant, but has since put away her power suits to be a stay-at-home mum to two lovely girls. Some days, she wonders why she traded intelligent problem-solving debates for negotiations with a toddler about changing diapers.

The post I have that thing that Kate Middleton has appeared first on Makchic.

How did you become a breastfeeding advocate?

More than 20 years ago when I had my first baby, there was not much breastfeeding information at the time. We went for classes and all the midwives and nurses said was: ‘Just put the baby to the breast and don’t worry about anything.’ And they always ended advice with ‘If you cannot breastfeed, don’t worry about it – there is always formula milk.’ I attended classes over an hour long – 10-15 minutes was spent talking about breastfeeding and the other 45 minutes was about how to make formula. At the time I thought it was pretty normal. She was preparing us and what was there to learn about breastfeeding anyway? So when Damian was born in 1997, I was in a shock. Put the baby to the breast – it didn’t work that way! The first latch was so horribly painful, I gave up almost immediately. The nurses told me it was normal, you just have to let baby suck. I tried to do that but I suffered from sore and bleeding nipples. When I pumped, it wasn’t milk that came out, it was blood. I filled a bottle with blood instead of milk – it scared me. I think Damian only got two feedings of breastmilk.

Nobody tells you about that pain!

Yes, my second child however was born in the US. My husband got a job there in 1999 and we followed him. There the hospitals were a bit different, and the lactation consultant helped me to attach the baby – there was no pain. Oh wow, this is so good, I thought! I successfully breastfed her, but then I also fell into formula milk. Because I had no help, and had to look after Damian. You get so tired, and there was formula milk staring at me from the counter. I thought why not? So Stephanie was half-half. By the time she reached her full moon (one month), she slept from 7pm to 7am. I was like ‘Wow!’ But because of that (long sleep), my milk supply went down, so she was fifty per cent breastfed. Later I also successfully breastfed Josephine and then Jeremy. And then my husband lost his job and came back to Malaysia.

And then you started to teach mothers how to breastfeed.

I couldn’t find work. I was out of the workforce for too long, even though I was an accountant. One day I was visiting a friend who has delivered a baby in the hospital, and she told me she had not even seen her baby. How could that be? I called the midwife and head nurse, and said ‘Please bring the baby.’ They were very reluctant, but brought the baby. I helped her to breastfeed – she was very kaku (stiff) so I had to show her how to hold the baby and all. She got it and successfully breastfed in the end. The matron who was there was looking at me the whole time – and asked if I was a lactation consultant. I said no, I’m just a mother who knows how to breastfeed. She said she was having a class soon, and asked if I wanted to share what I knew with new mothers.

So I came back to the hospital and shared what I knew with that first group of 20 to 30 mothers. There were hardly any fathers at that time. And these women started getting my number. In the US when I was pregnant I was in a mummies’ support group and attended all sorts of classes on parenting and breastfeeding. It was very supportive and I learned how to talk to mothers. I wanted to support mothers so a friend connected me to the Ministry of Health in Malaysia, and I attended a 40-hour lactation course. And so I became a lactation counsellor. I learned so much. From then on hospitals called me up and asked me to give talks. But most of the hospitals, especially the private ones, never called me back after I went to talk there.

Why was that?

What I teach mothers was against hospital practice. For example, I said you must have skin to skin.

That’s basic!

Well ten years, or even just five years ago, it was not basic. It’s something they don’t want to do. Babies are taken away to be bathed and weighed, and although some hospitals allowed daddies to be inside, they weren’t allowed to touch the babies. Let’s say you have a C-section – the baby cannot be skin to skin, so you pass the baby to daddy. But hospitals didn’t allow this and they weren’t happy when I taught that. They didn’t call me back. There was a centre that eventually did though – Taman Desa Medical Centre. It was because I was free, and I learned how to tone down! So for three years I would give short talks as part of their antenatal classes. I thought, hey, I could do this.

My first ever class was RM20, in the medical centre. I had just one couple. When I saw them, my heart dropped, I was so demotivated. But it’s okay, I committed to teach, so I taught. After that I couldn’t afford training rooms – they cost RM150 – so I started teaching from the hall of my own home. For the next five years – from 2002 to 2007, I only got maybe a maximum of five couples! It was very depressing. I thought – why am I still doing it? My husband thought I should stop.

But I liked teaching. I thought if just one person needs me, and I can help her breastfeed, it means a lot. So I just wanted to keep at it. It slowly became ten couples, and by 2007 I was charging RM50 per couple.

And then TBAN (The Breastfeeding Advocates Network) happened.

I joined Facebook in 2009, and wow it was a boom! That was the year I set up TBAN. Within one night, I got 400 members. At first there was ‘Malaysian’ in our name, but there were so many people from Brunei, Singapore, Indonesia, even Germany – I couldn’t turn them away. So I changed it to The Breastfeeding Advocates Network. After that I attended courses and studied more – I even took the expensive health studies to become International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) certified. But I never took the exam. It was about ten years ago and it was too expensive for me at the time – the only place you could take the exam was Australia. I had small kids and I couldn’t travel there. In 2012, they changed the criteria – only medical professionals could take it. Or I could spend another three years studying for the exam. I decided not to take it, and so I am a Ministry of Health lactation counsellor. I prefer to call myself a breastfeeding counsellor, because I help people breastfeed.

I felt the pressure was so immense – to breastfeed because they say it is so natural, and yet they also say it’s all fine to do formula. For me it was a strange and emotional time. Is that the main problem with new mums?

That is one of the main problems, yes. But what I’m observing in most mothers nowadays is actually a tidak apa attitude, that ‘it doesn’t matter.’ When you ask a pregnant mother if they have thought about how they will feed the baby, they say – if I can, I’ll breastfeed, if not then I will do formula. But I ask, would you like to learn how to breastfeed? I have a class. It’s always 90% mindset and 10% work. The 90% starts here – your mindset about breastfeeding. But if you start with ‘Can-lah, nevermind-lah, try-lah’, most of the time it won’t work. If you think, yes, I am going to do whatever I have to to breastfeed, it will work. Unfortunately, a lot of mothers don’t have that attitude.

Perhaps it is just that new mothers just don’t know enough?

That is one reason. Two is that I think we have become a very spoilt society – everything is instantaneous, it’s immediate gratification. You want information and it’s at your fingertips, you want food, people can deliver it to you – you don’t have to wait.

And breastfeeding is not like that.

It’s not like that. You have to wait for the baby to suck, wake them up, spend time on diapers and so on. A feeding session can last an hour, and mums are like – Oh my God, one hour, don’t I need my life? I said that to myself many times, so I understand. A lot of new mothers do not understand or accept the fact that this sitting and feeding your newborn is only a short time. That first month during confinement is actually the most important time to build a good milk supply, so you should sit down and relax with your baby. By the time your baby gets to one month, it gets easier. It will no longer be an hour. Suddenly, you’re only feeding your baby for ten minutes – and you have your life back! But this one month during confinement – it is so significant and so hard. It depends on the support of the people around them. And you have people like grandparents, saying don’t carry the baby too much, and things like that.

Yes! That’s so normal when it comes to the Asian support system. Don’t carry or spoil the baby too much.

They always ask – if I carry my baby too much will I spoil him or her? And I ask them – how long have you been married? If I ask your husband not to buy you any presents for your birthday, Christmas or Valentines – because there is no need, do not spoil her, do you think that is good advice? Of course not! I would be telling your husband not to care for you. And if we adults need love and care, what more your baby? You carry your baby for 9 or 10 months and now you want to put the baby down? Don’t carry the baby? They are so used to it and your movements, and when they are born and you don’t carry them, they cry! They cannot use words to say ‘Mummy, I need a hug.’ And you say, let them cry! And mums say ‘Yes, but my mother and grandmother say I’ll spoil the baby by carrying them.’  I tell them – if they tell you that, ask them how they would feel if you didn’t go and visit them. “You are an adult, you should take care of yourself. How would that feel?”

What other problems out there that mothers go through? I find that mums just worry about supply all the time.

Baby has grown, is putting on weight, and then somebody comes and says ‘Hey, how come your baby is so skinny?’ And suddenly they doubt themselves all over again. Or a doctor or nurse will say, your baby is not up to percentile and you should give formula milk. That is the number one problem – even if baby is doing very well and putting on weight, they still doubt themselves. Another thing is women usually come (to me) because of physical problems like mastitis or blocked ducts. Or tiredness. For new mothers, there is a lot of emotional or hormonal issues, because they are just tired and not prepared. And their husbands don’t know what to do. There is also the lack of sleep and constant worrying. Helping mothers get over the worry is work, because you don’t know what background they have – they could have had a miscarriage before, or this is their first baby after trying for 10 years. So we talk and I say, if you are that anxious, it doesn’t help anybody. You have to let go and learn how to trust.

Things are a lot better now, and people seem to be breastfeeding a lot more.

Twenty years ago when I had my first baby, breastfeeding was almost non-existent. I don’t know the rates then, but when I came back in 2002 I remember it was 13 to 14 per cent. So out of 100 people, only 13 or 14 people breastfed until 3 months. When I set up TBAN, the rate was still about 16 per cent. Now in 2017, there is no complete data or statistics, but we estimate from the grassroots and from the Health Ministry that it could be around 40 per cent. In 10 years it has grown tremendously, and you can see that from the baby fairs and pumps and nursing clothes being sold. I’d like to take some credit for this as TBAN is a breastfeeding society that supports other women to breastfeed. In 8 years, we have gathered 120,000 members. It shows we have done something right.

Any favourite memory when it comes to breastfeeding your children?

It’s all a blur. (laughs) I don’t have any breastfeeding photos at all for those I successfully breastfed. There is only one photo of my son who I failed to breastfeed. I looked shocked in that photo! But okay, one memory comes back – that I would go to sleep and lie down with my baby next to me because I was just too tired to bring him to the cot to me every night. And every night my baby would help himself – sometimes I wake up in the morning and not know if he drank or not. But this fourth baby was my biggest, so he must have drank something!

Do you have any advice to the family and friends of a new mother? The mummy’s ‘village’, as it were.

First of all, get informed. Don’t just give advice based on what you hear, or what people say. Sometimes on TBAN, a mother asks a question, and hundreds start answering. But if you read through all the comments, there is quite some nonsense! And then some people will say ‘How do you know?’, and the answer is ‘It’s true because my mum said so.’ Get the correct or factual information before you pass it on. Also, be supportive, and say I am here for you. Don’t pass off your own opinions to other people. Also, comments about comparisons will always be there – if your baby is only 4kg, they will give you a look, saying their baby was 5kg at the same age. I got that a lot, I had four kids.

What about mums who just cannot breastfeed and feel horrible about it? My babies were both tongue tied, it was awfully painful and I almost gave up.

If it’s just tongue tie, it is easily released. We have a lot of tongue tied babies. Although they say it only affects 10 per cent of babies, I seem to see it all the time so I don’t believe it is just 10 per cent. But yes, doctors can help with that. However, if there are other issues, such as infertility, if they had baby through IVF, hormonal problems, or PCOS, then all that can cause mothers not to have sufficient milk. It is true, sometimes you try and you just don’t have enough milk. But there are alternative solutions. If it’s formula, there are many ways to give formula, such as tube (supplementary feeding) at the breasts, just to get that closeness and bonding. If that option is not acceptable, then there is the bottle! You can be a mother in many, many ways, not just breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is just for two years, and for the rest of their life you are still their mother. Of course, if you can breastfeed you should, but if you cannot, enjoy your child in other ways.

You’ve seen a lot in all your years of breastfeeding counselling. Many fathers would say, well breastfeeding has nothing to do with me – I can’t help with anything! What would you say to that?

Twenty years ago in my groups there were hardly any dads there, but today if there are 20 to 40 people in my class, all dads come. I would say 99% of the time the dads come. And in my class, dads ask the most questions.

Aww! That’s so nice to know. 

Yes, so there is a change. There’s a change in the way we think of our role as parents. Daddies are now very interested in what they can do. Dads are usually into gadgets, so I’ve seen them assemble all the pump parts and pass it to their wives. Or they support their wives by making sure there is the Korean drama serial they like to watch! And even if daddy cannot do anything, his presence is enough. We now have dads very willing to baby wear, very willing to change diapers. Every time TBAN has a diaper changing competition, it’s usually the dads who win!

How does that make you feel?

It’s marvellous! It feels wonderful. My husband was one of those first pioneering dads, with there with me in the room twenty years ago. We need all these fathers there to be encouraging to mothers.

By Laych Koh

Want to attend a special parenting workshop by Gina Yong? In collaboration with Me Books Asia and makchic, Gina will be coaching daddies and mummies on all things breastfeeding-related on January 27th, 2017 in Breastfeeding: Daddy Duties Parenting Workshop.

Exclusive for Makchic readers:
+ Makchic readers will get a 10% discount for this workshop, just use the promo code MBAxMakchicBF
+ Two lucky couples will get to attend the workshop free and receive a premium Me Books Crate worth RM99 and a RM50 Me Books Voucher. To stand a chance, email us at makchic@popdigital.my with your name and contact details today!

The post [Interview] Gina Yong: Dads now ask the most questions in my breastfeeding classes appeared first on Makchic.

Most parents, at one time or another, think “Wow, my kid is amazing!” But we’re not experts, so we don’t really know how amazing they are. What you experience is normal for you. So it was for us, with Alex. He developed the way he developed, and though I had some familiarity with milestones, he didn’t seem extraordinary in any way.

It was a month into Alex starting primary school when we received a message from his teacher – could we have a meeting about Alex? I assumed it was to talk about his progress in French, which was productively behind English.

To our surprise, we were informed by the teacher and someone in the special needs department, who’d had some sessions with Alex, that they suspected he was ‘high ability’. From their observations and some reading and maths proficiency tests, they’d ascertained that Alex was actually performing two grades above his current one. However, since he was one of the youngest in age for his year, they recommended moving him up only one year.

To Move Your Child Up, Or Stay The Year

At this, my husband and I naturally gravitated towards opposite ends of the spectrum. I immediately felt protective of Alex and wanted him to stay in his year, with the kids he’d just got to know. My husband, however, had found school very easy all through primary school and in retrospect wished he had been more academically challenged earlier on. He didn’t want history to repeat itself with Alex.

And so we mulled over this, talking to a handful people around us – other parents, educators, friends, and family.

Some people will tell you that children need to experience rigor and challenge from an early age, in order to develop the expectation to work hard for successes, experience failures, and learn resilience through the difficulties. What’s the point of sitting through lessons you’ve already mastered? The danger is creating a bored and listless child, and cultivating an expectation for school to be easy, making the later years of study a much tougher mountain to climb.

Other people will emphasise the importance of kids having the time and space to develop socially and emotionally with peers close to their own age. High ability isn’t necessarily linked with emotional maturity, and especially in the teen years, puberty can make a year’s difference feel like a lifetime.

Formal testing

We were still on the fence when the class teacher asked to see us again, this time with a request for our permission for the school’s learning specialist to meet with Alex and test him more formally using a test called the WISC IV (Weschler Intelligence Scale for Children). Sure, we said, why not. The results confirmed what his teachers had suspected – Alex scored in the 98% percentile. As we discussed Alex’s likes, behaviours and temperament, the specialist continually pointed out what were supposedly typical features of kids in the same boat: an intolerance for ambiguity; perfectionism that was a little scary at times; and love for the acquisition of data, to be manipulated in variations.

For one of the subtests, the report included this snippet: “Alex did this test less enthusiastically, probably because it was not intellectually motivating and therefore unsatisfactory. He did the minimum to please the examiner.  He also did not appear to be stressed by the stopwatch, and showed no urgency in accelerating. In addition, his perfectionism prompted him to verify all his answers before moving on to the next item.” Yup, that sounded like my kid!

Making The Decision

Ultimately, the specialist assuaged our concerns. Alex was still young, he said. We didn’t need to make the decision now whether to move him up, or even at all. Some kids needed stimulation in class to remain engaged. Other kids got that outside of class. We would see how it went and go with the flow. This, along with his class teacher’s observations that Alex still really loved playing and was perfectly content to read quietly on his own after he’d finished his work, were what made us to decide to keep him where he was.

At the end of the year, we received an official recommendation from the principal to move him not to equivalent of Standard 2, but Standard 3. We decided to keep him with his age group. Standard 2 has started off fine. The academics are mostly a breeze for him, but we have chosen for him to chug along rather than go full speed ahead for now. Meanwhile, outside of school, he swims, sings in a choir, reads voraciously, and he and his dad scream at the TV when playing video games.

What Do I Do About My High Ability Child?

Some final thoughts about things to consider if you find yourself in a similar boat:

• Ask your child for their opinion about moving up, but be clear that you will make the final decision. Don’t put the burden of making a decision on them.
• Find out how the teacher differentiates within the class. Are higher ability kids given more difficult tasks? Less differentiation might make for more unengaged kids if they find the material easy.
• What extra-curricular activities can your kid be involved in to challenge them? Judo? Chess? A foreign language? A musical instrument?
• How physically big is your child? If they’re quite tall for their age, and mature, there are fewer social/emotional factors to consider.
• Can they try the higher grade gradually or for certain subjects first? If it’s not a good fit, can they move back to their original class?
• Be careful about how much you reveal to your child about their ability or IQ. A child who is labelled smart may understand that being smart is more important than failing and learning from mistakes, and that approval is linked to the label.
• Most importantly, IQ is but a number. Don’t pin anyone’s dreams on it.

By Uma

Uma is a Malaysian mum who works in teacher education. She has a six-year-old son, Alex, and currently lives in Singapore. 

The post My Story: What we decided for our high ability child appeared first on Makchic.

I have woken up for the fourth time tonight to nurse my baby, and I know tomorrow morning I will feel like the back end of a bus.

Don’t get me wrong, I have loved those quiet and sweet moments, nestling my babies. But so help me God, I have had it with this breastfeeding business.

My firstborn son, who is now 2-and-a-half, was mixed fed till he was one. My second son has been exclusively breastfed since he was born about seven months ago.

Breastfeeding was not easy for me, right from the start. Before my first son was born, I remember discussing the issue with my husband. My mother had warned me that she had serious problems breastfeeding, opting finally to formula feed my brothers and I. I had assumed, therefore, that this was going to be the case with me.

I told my husband that I was going to try my best, but if it did not work, then so be it. My preoccupation at the time was on the imminent labour. At the back of my mind, however, I did think that formula would be a possibility in the feeding of my child. I remember feeling okay about it. Relaxed, even.

The Realities of Breastfeeding

Little did I know what a total mindfuck my breastfeeding journey would be. I did not know how this was going to affect me so much and turn me into an emotional, blubbering, bitter zombie.

I would resent my husband, who slept through pretty much everything, but especially through a baby cryfest at 4am.

My breast pump would be a source of much hate – you stupid, loud pump with your stupid fiddly parts and your stupid bottles and stupid freezer bags. And oh, you sterilisers, damn you shitty sterilisers with your high and mighty ‘killing 99.9% of harmful germs’ crap.

Because I had such difficulty at the start, I had to resort to formula milk early on while waiting for the milk to come in. (I had no idea about colostrum or how ‘milk came in days after’). This would make me feel like a failure right from the get go, and result in me being extra obsessed about breastfeeding my baby. I was so determined that I went from feeding my baby 100% formula milk to 100% breastmilk. Only mums who have gone through the whole breastfeeding melodrama would know how difficult that is.

The Pain, Pain, Pain

Mixed feeding meant I had the worst of both worlds. I had to endure the never-ending chase for good supply, while dealing with the horrid world of pumping, bottles, milk powder and so on and so forth.

I had two tongue-tied babies – which means they could not latch properly, therefore resulting in excruciating pain and bloody, raw nipples. The agony was worse than labour, I remember thinking incredulously – and I have a pretty strong threshold for pain, having had two natural births without a lick of pain relief.

My mother watched me sadly as I cried when it hurt. Sometimes I would hold the baby right before a latch, pause, and take a deep breath, grimacing before the impending anguish. Mum would softly say to me ‘You don’t have to do this, let’s just use formula’.

I don’t know what happened to the me who said I wouldn’t torture myself about breastfeeding. Yours truly became the least chill person about breastfeeding. I would burst into tears talking to midwives, lactation experts, health visitors, even random strangers. I would spend quiet hours in the night wondering how to relieve blocked ducts and nipple blisters. Nursing on all fours, vibrating toothbrush on blocked ducts, popping blebs – you name it, I did it.

My husband was surprised at how intense I became over the whole thing – he kept reminding me gently that formula milk was fine and he would support me in anything I wanted to do. But my brain was somehow wired to this notion of success – this pressure to nourish my babies through my own mammaries. When anybody told me about how ‘formula was fine’, I imagined stabbing them repeatedly in the forehead. YOU ARE NOT BEING HELPFUL, FUCK OFF. This was me, furious with my perfectly helpful and kind husband and mother.

The Lactative Prison Sentence

Why did I do this to myself? After having gone through all that with my firstborn, I was more ready with my second son. I knew what to do now. It would be cool, things would be better.

And they were, to an extent. I knew how to flag up tongue tie faster, and get the release procedure done in a flash. The pain at the start was still horrific, but I cried like shit persevered through it all.

My second son had the benefit of being breastfed since he was born. But that has resulted in its own set of problems. He now comfort feeds through the night, preferring little irritating ‘snacks’ every two hours or so. What is this nonsense, son? This is the thanks I get for supplying you with natural boob juice all this while? For never leaving you for more than a few hours so I can keep you alive? This is what I get for restraining myself from drinking my body weight in wine?

This evening I ranted to my husband and close friends about how I was going to put him on formula milk so I could at least finally release my body from this lactative prison sentence. The only thing that is keeping me breastfeeding is the great loathing I have for the world of bottles and feeding paraphernalia I will have to deal with if I choose to go with the formula route.

Different Mummies, Different Feeding

Having gone through everything and all the ups and downs, I have great empathy for a wide range of mums going through a wide range of feeding options.

To the mummies who have had a lovely and easy breastfeeding experience, you have my admiration and envy, now go away! (Smiley face)

To the mummies who have had a tough time at the start but continued on, well done you for trying so hard for your babies. I can only fist bump you in camaraderie, and hope you don’t judge me if I ditch it all soon.

To the mummies who turned to formula and feel guilty for not having breastfed your children, life is too short for such guilt. You love your babies just as much as the next mum. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

For the Mummies in Tears

But this is especially for the mummies who have tried so hard to nurse your babies, but had to turn to formula. Or the mummies who are agonising so much at the thought of possibly turning to formula.

I see your tears, and I feel your pain. You have tried or are trying your best, and it is making you feel depressed, distressed and helpless.

Do not fret about using formula – it is not the demon monster some people make it out to be. My firstborn was a mixed fed baby and is thriving. I feel a certain debt to formula milk because it allowed me to help feed and nourish my baby while we worked on improving breastfeeding.

So long as you are caring and loving your child the best way you know how, fed is best.

Breastfeeding can be wonderful, but even as a breastfeeding mum, I can say that my love for my children is not defined by whether I nursed them or not. Fed is best.

And even as I wake to another day thinking ‘Okay, maybe I am not done with breastfeeding yet’, falling into that guilty-mum vortex again, I see you now, and I assure you that it will all be okay. Fed is best.

By Laych Koh

Laych Koh is the editor-in-chief of makchic.com

Breastfeeding: Daddy Duties Parenting Workshop

However way you end up feeding your baby, would you like to know what the first few months will be like with your newborn? Do you want to give breastfeeding the best shot you’ve got? In collaboration with Me Books Asia and makchic, renown breastfeeding counselor Gina Yong will be coaching daddies and mummies on January 27th, 2017 in Breastfeeding: Daddy Duties Parenting Workshop.

Read more about Gina Yong and the challenges of breastfeeding in our interview with her here.

Exclusive for Makchic readers:
+ Makchic readers will get a 10% discount for this workshop, just use the promo code MBAxMakchicBF
+ Two lucky couples will get to attend the workshop free and receive a premium Me Books Crate worth RM99 and a RM50 Me Books Voucher. To stand a chance, email us at makchic@popdigital.my with your name and contact details today!

The post I Breastfed and Formula-fed, and believe Fed is Best appeared first on Makchic.

My wife Amy* and I had just had our second child Lisa*, and we were adjusting to the chaos that comes with a newborn. I was doing my part as a husband and father, when my mother began spamming me with a laundry list of ‘observations’ about how my household was being run. It was clear that my parents, as traditional Asian parents, had strong opinions about my role as a hands-on father. They even had strong opinions about how my kids were to be managed! To them, I was doing too much, and much more than a ‘man of the house’ should be doing. Below is the letter I wrote to them, when it was clear something had to be said about their meddling.

Dear Mum and Dad,

I have read your messages and acknowledge them. I’ve had some time to think and here are my distilled thoughts. Please don’t take my response as fighting words – these are my thoughts just as you had put down your own thoughts. I dislike these kind of situations, because again I am cast in the middle between my wife and family, and both of you. 

I know what you are alluding to, i.e. the division of labour at home. Who does what and why, probably even alluding to gender roles and what it used to be like in your day.

I understand that some people think the home is completely the wife’s domain, and the husband should not get involved. Sure, I think maybe that worked and perhaps was the expectation in the older days. I don’t necessarily understand why it worked, or why men didn’t get more involved at home, but sure, I get that this is the main experience some people (like yourselves), grew up with.

Now, the question is then – how I am not subscribing to this division of labour in my own home?

There is no excuse

I believe there is no excuse to not help out at home. Whether the household configuration is made up of one or two breadwinners, I think these days both husband and wife should share the workload at home. I know this, because I have friends and all my male friends help out with the housework. ALL, WILLINGLY, VOLUNTARILY.

This is not about peer pressure. And this is certainly not about the wife having ‘control’ over the husband, who also happens to be the breadwinner. This is the norm. This is me. And this is what I will continue to do – whether or not a maid comes into the picture.

Some parents advocate for their sons to help at home, and not be a lazy bum who does nothing. Taking care of a household is tough, what more with children involved – and you should know this.

Nothing wrong with being an involved partner

What exactly is wrong if I want to cook on a day I happen to get home early? What is wrong if I want to go to the market sometimes, and what is wrong if I want to bathe Mary* – she’s on the way to doing it all herself soon anyway? How is it wrong if I want to cook on a Saturday or Sunday, and what is wrong if I want to wash some dishes? When I lived alone, I did all the housework anyway, so was all that domestication for nothing? This is my family!

I don’t get involved with anything else apart from the above, so I really don’t know what is wrong with the way things are being done. These are things I do willingly, and it is by no means something that my wife is expecting I do.

Before Lisa, Amy handled the bills, restocked the house, and took care of Mary and now Lisa. She reminded everyone to take their vitamins and she handled school matters. My wife also did the laundry, cooking, cleaning and so much else. Maybe you all don’t see this first hand but you certainly cannot assume she does not do much. And if I could help to alleviate some of that burden, why not?

If it is in your view that the breadwinner of the house should do nothing when he comes home, then so be it. That is your view and I will respect it, but I will not subscribe to it.

Meeting expectations

Lastly, as much as I appreciate your advice, sometimes it feels like I’m being managed. I feel there is some desire from you to see my household fit a certain expectation of yours. While I can appreciate that you are only looking out for any potential missteps, I think sometimes we have to make our own mistakes. We can only learn from our own mistakes. You can’t teach everything all the time and expect a perfect result all the time.

Frankly, I feel like I’ve been the most filial son a family could ask for, so I really don’t know what else is expected of me or how perfect we have to be. I think Amy and I have done a great job raising our children.  Both of us are kind, caring, we have great friends and we don’t demand for anything. We want for nothing except maybe a holiday every now and then. We are prudent with our spending and our values are aligned to ensuring our children get the best. What am I missing, mum and dad? Really, what?

I’m tired of having to defend and prove myself all the time.

Both of you need to take a step back and calm down a bit. The world will not come crumbling down, there’s no need to intervene all the time. We will be alright.

Love,

Your son.

———————————————————————————————————————————

Managing Interfering Parents or In-Laws

There were much fewer comments from my parents to me after I sent them this email. What they may talk about behind my back – I don’t really care.

Having gone through what I went through with my meddling parents, I do believe that there are lines that need to be drawn and defined from the outset with regard to your children’s grandparents. This is especially if they have the potential to be overbearing, and definitely if they live within driving distance!

Managing one’s parents or in-laws is very important when a newborn (especially a firstborn) enters the picture. I can safely say that doing this will result in a happy household.

It also takes some level of patience and common sense from the one who is being targeted. In my case, my parents were trying to influence me in my relationship with my wife. I know of other men with newborns who take the bait – hook line and sinker – by not censoring what the grandparents are saying. You end up with a very unhappy wife. The worse situation is where it ends up being a proxy war – I have also witnessed in-laws versus in-laws, fought over the baby.

Remembering What is Most Important

To you fathers out there who are navigating such challenging situations, remember that your parents and in-laws usually mean well. You (and your wife) will always be their child and hence they will always want to look out for you. In their view, they are thinking – “We’ve done this before, why can’t they see? They should listen to me!”

However, we did not become parents to be hand-held through one of the most challenging but fulfilling aspects of life. I think this is the spirit of the conversation that you may end up having with your parents/in-laws should you be in a similar situation.

Whatever comments or opinions they have – just say thank you, absorb what makes sense and move on. In the end, as long as your children and wife are happy and you’ve done no harm to anyone else, you’ve done right!

By Richard Lee

Richard Lee is a hands-on father who wrote this letter to his parents, without the knowledge of his wife. He believes a happy wife is a happy life. 

*Names have been changed

The post Hands-on Father: I Wrote a Letter to My Meddling Parents, Asking Them to Back Off appeared first on Makchic.

When I was growing up, taking advanced science programmes in a Malaysian high school was not really a choice. If you did well in your exams, the school would nudge you into the science stream. You would study Biology, Chemistry and Physics. If you didn’t, well – into the arts stream you go.

It was not because you showed great interest in science. Instead, it was done for purely practical reasons. To put it simply, you showed you could handle the academic rigor associated with the subjects.

Things have not changed much, since I was in school 20 years ago. It wasn’t until recently, that I realised what I experienced growing up, was a social conditioning that was pervasive – That science was only possible for those with innate intelligence.

I didn’t realise that a “growth mindset”, in which your abilities and intelligence are not fixed, but can be developed through hard work and guided instruction, is not only essential, but also crucial, in the pursuit of science.

Bias Against Girls in Science Starts Early

It is no secret that women are underrepresented in science. The numbers bear this out, with a recent report by the Women in Science & Engineering (WISE) campaign in the UK, stating that women accounts for only 24% of the workforce in Science, Technology, Engineering & Mathematics (or STEM) careers. Huge tech companies in the US hire very few women, because only 12% of women did degrees in computer science.

The theories behind this disparity are many, but it pretty much boils down to this: clear bias against girls has always been present, since a very young age.

• Toy makers reinforce bias, with boys often given more complex and active toys, and girls given simpler and passive ones.

• Parents are more likely to encourage independent thinking from boys. Boys are usually praised as “clever and brave” and girls as “hard workers.” This is likely to feed into the biased perception that the intelligence required for science is for boys.

• Teachers’ biased behaviors in schools have long-term implication for enrollment of girls in advanced science programmes in high school. A study showed that when girls and boys were graded anonymously, the girls would outperform the boys. However, when their teachers graded them, boys’ performances were overrated and girls were often underestimated. This would go on to shape their attitude towards the subjects.

I have 2 young girls, and my eldest is now 12. Science is currently one of her favourite subjects. But, studies have shown that the critical age range for girls’ participation in science is between the ages of 11-14. Knowing the pitfalls that might discourage her from pursuing science, should she want to, is important to me.

Making a Difference for Your Daughters

(1) Teach your girls to be brave

Recently, I came across a term called “bravery deficit”. It tried to explain that the bravery deficit in girls might explain why there are so few women in STEM. We often teach our girls to be perfect and to avoid making mistakes. Not enough of us are teaching them to be brave. This impact them negatively- girls are less likely to speak up and answer in class discussions, because they do not want to look stupid if they get them wrong.

The nature of doing science is that you are not likely to get all the right answers on your first try. But girls’ aversion to risks is a mindset that must be changed. I try to do this for my daughters by reinforcing the notion that it is okay to fail, every time they face a setback. That the efforts they put in and the lessons they learned during the process are more important.

(2) Encourage opportunities for learning

When I worked on an organic farm, I tried to create opportunities for my daughters to connect to the land and learn new things. They have helped with the planting, the weeding and harvesting the produce on the patch. We have created gardens together. While this is not possible for everyone, looking for opportunities to engage your daughters could be done through as simple activities as walking in a park together during the weekends.

If you would rather keep it indoors and struggle to think of activities that could work for your children, you could give the subscription box called Atom & the Dot a try. Each month, a box filled with materials and instructions could be sent to your door and could assist you in engaging your children in suitable Arts & Science- related activities.

(3) Introduce Female Role Models

When young girls are not seeing women scientists doing great things, this will only strengthen their perception that science is for boys. I tried to change this by introducing them to books and media that place women scientists front and centre.

You could highlight great women scientists such as Jane Goodall, Marie Curie, Hedy Lamarr, Ada Lovelace, Chien-Shiung Wu and Katherine Johnson. And you could do this in various ways.

• Introducing them through books

For the younger readers, you could try Fiona Robinson’s Ada’s Ideas: The Story of Ada Lovelace, the World’s First Computer Programmer, Dean Robbins’ Margaret and the Moon: How Margaret Hamilton Saved the First Moon Landing, Brad Meltzer’s I am Jane, Jess Keating’s Shark Lady: The True Story of How Eugenie Clark Became the Ocean’s Most Fearless Scientist and Catherine Thimmesh & Melissa Sweet’s Girls Think of Everything: Stories of Ingenious Inventions by Women.

For the older readers, books that came highly recommended include Margot Lee Shetterly’s Hidden Figures, Rachel Ignotofsky’s Women in Science: 50 Fearless Pioneers who Changed the World and Jim Ottaviani & Maris Wick’s Primates: The Fearless Science of Jane Goodall, Dian Fossey & Birute Galdikas.

• Introducing them through Media

While many parents are cautious about the use of social media platforms for their children, it can be a powerful tool in providing suitable role models. On YouTube, you could try subscribing to SciShow Kids and Science with Sophie. Both have female educators, presenting science in a very fun way.

In the end, while the world at large might work against girls’ participation in science, we could still affect change as parents; by sparking their curiosity and by actively nurturing their interests in the world around them.

Our daughters should view the world as full of possibilities. We should help them develop the growth mindset, that knowledge and abilities could be achieved through sheer hard work. They might not end up doing science when they grow older, but, at least, they will have the option to pursue it, should they choose to.

By Najmin Tajudin

A biologist by training, Najmin has worked as a management consultant, took the Early Childhood Course in Montessori Theory and Methodology, and ran a community-supported agriculture (CSA) program out of an integrated goat farm. With all 3 kids finally in school, Najmin is looking forward to spending more time on reading books and writing. 

The post Girls in Science: How to Make a Difference for Your Daughters appeared first on Makchic.

Chinese New Year is almost here, and preparations are underway for new clothes, eve dinners and ang pow packets. Parenting books and websites often talk about the benefits of tradition and ritual and how they provide stability and familiarity for children.

But for the second time in my nearly four decades of life, I have no travel plans for Chinese New Year. Since Grandma passed on, we no longer travel to Sitiawan for the celebrations. Instead, we hang out in KL and PJ and get excited about driving around with hardly any traffic. Although these days, traffic in town can still be heavy, because many others have also stopped going to Taiping, Sungai Petani, Melaka, or whichever hometown they once went to.

So I’ve been wondering, how do you pass on traditions and rituals you grew up with when the context in which they were practiced no longer exist?

Tree-lined driveway

Chinese New Year for me, always started with the journey back home to Sitiawan. Loading the bags, Mum forgetting something and making Dad turn back, heavy traffic, and finally, driving up the 200-metre gravelly driveway to Grandfather’s house, set amidst six acres of rubber trees. Grandpa, Grandma, and Great-Grandma, would come out and greet us, and when he was younger, Grandpa would wash our car, travel-stained from our journey.

Then, would come the wait for my cousins. My sister and I were often in the upstairs front room, with two floor-length windows with wooden shutters overlooking the long driveway. I can still hear the crunch of the gravel as their car drove in, followed by banging car doors, loud voices, and the pounding footsteps running up the steep staircase with the dark timber boards. Once they arrived, Chinese New Year officially began.

The next few days would be busy ones – pinching Grandfather’s chalk to draw hopscotch patterns on the concrete outside, picking out new and shiny rubber seeds from amongst the dead leaves, and playing hide-and-seek amongst the trees. Once, in a modified game of team hide-and-seek, my oldest cousin placed me under some banana trees and told me to wait there; which I did, even when a long, black snake dropped at my feet from the tree above and slithered off.

The clan

My Great-Grandmother lived till I was 14, and we stayed in her house. She had 10 children, and they in turn, had many children of their own. So, over the course of Chinese New Year, it was normal for us to receive over 100 visitors. We would often peek into the living room to check if anyone of interest had come to visit or whether there was a chance of adding an extra angpow to our tally.

One uncle would take us on a motorbike around the estate – three kids and one adult on a bike – bumping on the roots, laughing our heads off. Another would light fireworks with more glee than any of us kids. The adults played Gin Rummy to pass time over long hot afternoons, and when they put their cards down, we would take over and imitate them.

After the first few days, we would go visiting too – to my aunt’s medicine shop in Dad’s little town, and to Grandaunt’s house full of flowering fruit trees. We went every year, without fail, a familiar well-worn routine.

Even when we were grown, we continued these traditions of gathering, visiting and being visited. Grandaunt’s fruit trees were cut down, as she couldn’t tend to them. But, we still crowded into her living room, ate groundnuts, and talked about nothing for hours, which only families can do so well. And the uncle with the fireworks still lit them with the same glee.

New traditions

As they say, those days are now gone. Although not so long ago for me, as my grandparents lived long lives, and only left us in my 30s. The old traditions, practised for decades, disintegrated astonishingly quickly. Grandaunt’s family stopped going to Sitiawan after she passed. We stay in PJ, with one aunt still in Sitiawan, and others in various places, or on overseas holidays.

It’s a new era, and I know we can make new traditions for our kids; we don’t have to replicate our childhood for them. I’m organising a lunch gathering with some of the old crowd a week before Chinese New Year, before people disperse. And we have a four-table gathering with friends, which modern wisdom calls the new family. We visit and are visited, as before, just with different faces.

Still, a part of me misses the old days and wishes my son could have experienced some of it. And that watching the acrobatic lion dance at 1Utama and driving around KL because your mother loves the jam-free roads, doesn’t quite live up to six children running around unsupervised on a rubber estate, with snakes falling out of the trees.

Making memories

I dropped my son off recently at my mother-in-law’s, and before we left, he protested, saying he wanted to go with me instead. He was asleep when we got there, so we carried him down. As we crossed the threshold, he heard his cousin’s voice and his eyes popped open. He got down and they walked off together chatting, my son immediately forgetting about my existence; lost in a made-up world of their own.

It was baking day at my mother-in-law’s and they were the first to sample Ma-Ma’s mouth-watering kuih bangkit, which she makes only for Chinese New Year. We will have a big feast on eve night, and new year food on the first day, which after 12 years of marriage, I am still not entirely used to (I’m looking at you – waxed duck and lap cheong). We will sit in my mother-in-law’s 50-year-old sofa set and talk for hours about nothing, as families do so well. There will be love, acceptance, familiarity and fun, which are all childhood memories really need to be precious. My son doesn’t know it yet, but he will miss these times one day.

By Ding Jo-Ann

Ding Jo-Ann is a full-time mum, part-time writer, and once-upon-a-time lawyer.

Makchic’s tips for creating new family traditions:

Image Credits: Ding Jo-Ann

The post My Story: The Chinese New Year Traditions I Grew Up With Are Gone appeared first on Makchic.

In ‘Mums of The World’, we ask mothers from around the world about their cultures, traits, babies, parenting and unique traditions. This week we look at the unique ‘7 Bulanan’ tradition – seventh-month baby shower tradition of Peranakan Indonesians, better known as “Benteng Chinese” – a mixed descent of Native Jakartan and Chinese, similar to the Malaysian Baba Nyonya.

7 Bulanan Baby Shower

The seventh-month baby shower is one of the most important traditions for expectant mothers  in the Benteng-Chinese community, especially first-time mothers.

Who are the Benteng-Chinese? This community in Indonesia dates back to as early as the 1400s. They are among the earliest Chinese immigrants who arrived in Indonesia, specifically Jakarta. Later on, under the auspices of the Dutch East India Company during the Dutch colonial era, more of the community arrived in Indonesia.

Initially populating the area of Tangerang, Banten and West Java, the Benteng-Chinese are famously known as ‘Peranakan’. Their heritage carries heavy mixed influences of Betawi (native Batavia/Jakartan descent) and Chinese.

Certain cultural traits and traditions of the Benteng-Chinese are also heavily influenced by the Javanese and Sundanese ethnicities of Indonesia. The ethnic Benteng-Chinese do not speak Chinese, they converse in Indonesian. They are also fluent in the Sundanese and/or Javanese dialect.

The 7th Month

This traditional ceremony is very close to the Javanese and Sundanese baby shower. The belief is that this tradition acts as a blessing  for the infant and mother to have a safe and smooth delivery.

We followed Lina and Elsie through their seventh-month ceremony that left us with a sense of amazement at how this tradition brought friends, family and neighbours together.

The day begins with prayers and offerings to their ancestors. They pray that the mother and infant continue to be safe, and for a smooth delivery. Offerings of fruits, turmeric coconut glutinous rice called ‘Nasi Kuning’, traditional cakes and snacks with coffee or tea symbolise gratitude for granting safety to both the mother and infant throughout.

The praying ceremony takes around 20 minutes to complete. The expectant mother proceeds to assemble a unique version of ‘Rujak’ made with 7 ingredients.

The unique traits of this ‘Rujakan’ is that the whole family (mostly the women) will come together and prepare ingredients comprising shredded pomelo, pomegranates, round white turnips, rose apples, pineapples, grounded chilli paste and brown sugar.

The expectant mother will then have to mix the ingredients and create her version of the Rujak, without the privilege of pre-tasting it.

“If the outcome taste is refreshing and sweet then it is believed that the baby will have a calm and introverted temperament. If it comes out to be spicier or with an uneven taste, it signifies a potentially bolder and more rebellious baby on the way,” said Lina amid her excitement in assembling her Rujak.

The first 7 jars of the Rujak will have to be distributed by the expectant mother to close family (parents, in-laws, siblings) and the elderly. The remainder will then be distributed to all the other relatives, friends and people around the neighbourhood.

After the Rujakan, the expectant mom will then be given a traditional pre-natal massage by a traditional elderly masseur who understands the Chinese-Benteng 7 Bulanan tradition.

A pre-natal massage and gender

The massage will then continue with a symbolic 7 flowers floral bath. It is basically a water bath mixed with 7 different colourful fresh flowers.

This bathing ritual is performed by the masseur, husband, elderly in the family like the mother or mother-in-law or grandmother.

The masseur will perform a blessing, followed by a ritual of rolling an egg from the head of the expectant mother slowly down her body, through her torso area, over her baby bump and over the groin, following the birth passage of the baby. The egg will be left to roll off the mother’s body from that point.

Elsie explains that “if the egg is smashed or breaks apart, it signifies that the baby will be a girl; if it withstands the fall or merely cracks then it signifies a baby boy.”

Known and greeted as ‘Mak’,  this traditional masseur is 99 years-old. Shehas been a traditional masseur and mid-wife for more than five decades.

The baby shower is a very important and unique traditional ceremony for the Benteng-Chinese. Family and friends from near and far as well as people around the neighbourhood will make time to visit the house to offer their well-wishes.

Post natal

After the delivery, Elsie and Lina had to go through 40 days of confinement. During this time, they are required to stay at home and eat special food  that has been prepared to help them with recovery after child-birth.

They are attended to with daily traditional binding and post-natal massages. During this period of time the mother is not allowed to shower or wash her hair.

As for the precious new-born, they are not allowed a bath until their umbilical cord drops. They will be attended to by elders, usually the mother or a confinement lady.  A confinement lady understands the customs, and aids with food preparation and bathing the new-born.

By Dessy Barnaby

Dessy left her PR career in exchange for perfecting her critical negotiation skills with her two children. She has found solace in writing and is now a freelance writer.

The post Mums Of The World – The 7 Bulanan Baby Shower [Peranakan Indonesians] appeared first on Makchic.

As women, and especially as mums, it’s easy to be filled with admiration and amazement at the achievements of Dr Jezamine Lim. She obtained a PhD in Stem Cell and Tissue Engineering, becoming the first woman in Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia (UKM) to earn a doctorate in the field. The inspirational news left a lot of other mums wondering ‘How?’

How did she do that while mothering 3 kids and managing her husband’s career and household?’ Naturally, society started calling her a ‘Super Mum’.

I truly admire her achievements. As a mum to two girls, I dream that my girls will someday achieve greatness and make a difference. But it is that hope that is actually making me more aware of my own status as a ‘regular mum’. One who doesn’t make headlines and stays at home full-time to care for the kids. Ask any regular mums in your circle and you may find the typical reaction to Dr Jezamine’s news are the same as mine. There is always a deep admiration and awe at first. Then what follows is a sense of inferiority and underachievement – that we will never be a ‘Super Mum’ like her.

Having It All?

The truth is, for you to be able to ‘have it all’, you need an incredible support system. One that can help care for your children while you dedicate those hours to your career or your passion. It could be parents or family members, or a high quality daycare or trustworthy domestic helper.  These people need to carry out the vision that you have for the kids’ well-being and development. Without this tight-knit support, something has definitely got to give.

And not all mums have the kind of support that they can really trust.

Not all mums can go and pursue their ambitions whilst ensuring the best for their little kids. For some, giving the best to the kids means giving up on their personal ambitions, in the hopes that their kids get to achieve their full potential.

Tough Calls About Childcare

Take my decision to stay at home, as an example. Faced with the option of sending our children to daycare or hiring a new maid after our previous maid left, we had a tough decision to make.

Daycares that were affordable to us didn’t meet our criteria, such as having closed-circuit television that streamed online for real-time viewing, bilingual carers, or a low ratio of babies to carers. On the other hand, daycares and playschools that were of a better quality had a long wait list and also didn’t come cheap!

As for hiring a new maid, not only did that cost a tonne of money upfront, there was no guarantee that you would get a good one. Leaving the kids with a new maid without any supervision also did not sit well with us.

Apart from the lack of affordable yet high quality childcare options, there was also a strong pull factor for me to become a stay at home mum and put my ambitions on hold. According to UNESCO, early childhood (From birth to year 8) is a time of remarkable growth, with brain development at its peak. Children in this stage are highly influenced by the environment and the people that surround them.

My husband and I considered our circumstances. The best bet we had to ensure the kids were well cared for in all aspects was for me to stop working and be a full-time mum. And the scary part is that it really is a bet – we will only know the outcome of our decision in many years to come.

Many kinds of sacrifices, many kinds of mums

We all make our own sacrifices in our own unique circumstances.

Some mums shy away from promotion at work. They want to avoid longer hours or frequent travels, so they can be more present in their kids’ lives.

Some mums need to strive and excel in their work. This is in order to afford good education for their kids and provide a better future for the family.

Some mums choose to stay at home. There is the lack of a trustworthy childcare option to help achieve all that they want for their kids.

These mums are all around us. They won’t be making headlines or put up on any pedestal, but it doesn’t make them any less super!

No fixed template

The point here is that there isn’t a fixed template of how a ‘Super Mum’ should be.

We should celebrate all mums who give their best in their very own way. They may be sacrificing their time and becoming the most efficient multi-tasker at work or study. They may be sacrificing their careers to give the best care to their kids.

Here’s to all mums I know, you are all super in your own ways!

By Farah Bashir

Farah Bashir used to drive the National Transformation Programme as a management consultant, but has since put away her power suits to be a stay-at-home-mum to two lovely girls. Some days, she wonders why she traded intelligent problem-solving debates for negotiations with a toddler about changing diapers.

The post My Story: I will never be a Super Mum like her appeared first on Makchic.

[Contributor Desiree Kaur previous wrote ‘My Story: Beginning My Journey With a Special Needs Child‘. She continues to share the journey she is on with her son]

There is no parenting book or blog that can prepare you for the moment you have to utter the words “My child has autism”. A week after I received this official diagnosis, it suddenly dawned on me – What did I know about autism? The answer scared me: Not enough.

If only there was a how-to guide that magically appeared on my phone on demand, I thought.  In case you find a similar need to know more, I hope the following information and resources that I had to go through are helpful.

What is Autism?

Autism Spectrum Disorder – also known as ASD – is a development disorder where the brain doesn’t develop in a typical manner. Symptoms include repetitive behaviour, inability to develop social skills and difficulty acquiring language. There may also be a lack of eye contact and interests or obsessions with only certain things. The Raising Children’s website offers plenty of useful and practical insights on autism.

How is Autism diagnosed?

It can be diagnosed as early as 18-months by a Child Development Consultant / Developmental Paediatrician, Child Psychiatrist, Child Psychologist or Paediatric Neurologist. An assessment will be conducted with the parents and child. It takes approximately one to two hours. Parents will be asked about their family history, the pregnancy and the child’s development since birth. The specialist will also interact with the child. They will observe their behaviour and conduct small tasks with them before completing the assessment. The specialist typically provides a diagnosis immediately and recommends next steps such as therapy or any additional tests.

Levels of Autism

The level of autism determines how much support the child needs.  There are three levels of classification for autism:

• Level 1 – Requiring support
• Level 2 – Requiring substantial support
• Level 3 – Requiring very substantial support

For more information on these levels, read ‘Making Sense of the 3 Levels of Autism’

Occupational Therapy

Occupational Therapy, also known as OT, is usually conducted by a qualified Occupational Therapists (typically degree holders). OT provides a personalised approach to address concerns in the areas of self-esteem, cognitive, motor skills, and physical and sensory issues. While the diagnosis is already rendered by a doctor, the occupational therapist will assess the child in order to plan sessions that will be beneficial. Therefore, it is common practice for the first session to cost more than the follows ups.

Speech Therapy

Speech Therapy is also recommended for non-verbal toddlers with autism. It is usually conducted by a Speech Therapist or sometimes known as Speech Language Therapist (SLT). They are not doctors but specialists to aid with language learning issues, speech, listening and writing skills. There are even some who specialise in eating difficulties. It is important to note that not all speech therapists work with children, therefore remember to search for Paediatric or Child Speech Therapists. Similar to OT, the first session is usually an assessment and will cost more than follow up sessions. The Malaysian Association for Speech-Language and Hearing (MASH) publishes a comprehensive list of SLTs across the country here.

Early Intervention Programmes 

I define EIPs  loosely as kindergarten for toddlers and children with special needs. Most EIPs are designed as half or full day programmes, depending on the approach and centre. It usually incorporates various elements of Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy and Physical or Physiotherapy for children with special needs. Most EIP accept children from 3 years and above. Younger children require recommendations from an Occupational Therapist prior to enrolment. EIP also prepares children with special needs for primary school (typical or special needs schools).

What about a typical kindergarten as an option?

Yes, sometimes the doctor may recommend it depending on the child’s level of autism. Also, bear in mind not all kindergartens will accept children with special needs. There is always a concern about more severe cases where violent behaviour is present. Some kindergartens actually cater for both typical and special needs children, with occupational therapists kept on staff.  Some kindergartens do not provide therapists but are open to accepting special needs children on a case-by-case basis. However, before you visit a typical kindergarten, be sure to call ahead and ask if they accept special needs children.

Mummies, it is okay

My discovery, although uphill, doesn’t have to be for everyone. Only much later did I discover that special needs is more common than I realised, and all I had to do was reach out. Along my journey, I have become acquainted with some pleasant people who shared some of their experiences with me. There is still so much I don’t know and I continue to learn with each therapy session my son attends.  Yes, it is definitely overwhelming but I am thankful each day for a supportive family to lean on. My husband tells me to slow down from time to time and I am grateful to have someone tell me “It’s ok to slow down.” So, if you are a mummy new to autism like me, I would like to say “It’s ok to take a break and slow down.”

By Desiree Kaur

Desiree Kaur worked in public relations for over 8 years until she ventured into teaching. She now owns a tuition centre and spends most of her time with her 2-year-old son.

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Stay tuned to makchic.com for Desiree’s continuing journey with her autistic child.

The post My Story: Starting to Learn About Autism appeared first on Makchic.

I am a feminist. Loud and proud. When I got pregnant with my first son, my friends were tickled to see me lumbering around with a “penis growing inside me”. Twenty two months later, I delivered another penis into the world. So today Charlie, 8 years, and Neil, 6 years are my two joys, frustration, and loves of my life as I co-parent them according to my definition of feminist principles, in hopes to raise feminists. How do I plan to do it?

Questioning authority

One of the principles and practice of feminism as I have grown to know and love is the constant questioning of authority. It comes with an awareness of power and how those who hold power are able to abuse it. And as parents, the power we hold, is, scarily, absolute.

Many a times we bark and shout at our children and justify it as “They don’t listen, we have to shout!”, “We were in a hurry”, “They were driving me up the wall!”

So, as I plead guilty, I also plead attempts at rehabilitation through our Swear and Shout jar.

With his penchant for numbers and laser sharp observation skills, Charlie voluntarily took on the monitoring and enforcement of this system. RM1 goes in the jar whenever we mutter swear words, or ramp up the decibels. For him, it doesn’t matter if I am, as mother and chief cook, effectively the Mom Official 1 (MO1) at home. I still have to cough up. So does dad.

The only free pass is if a warning has been given before the shouting. For example, “Neil, I have said it three times. Stop trying to lick the Marmite off your cheek. Your tongue is just not long enough. Go and wash your face. If I have to say it one more time, I will raise. My. Voice”. The last three words said in a deep tone for maximum effect.

Painful as it is parting with the (loads of) money, I hope that through this, they are learning to question, do the right thing, and hold other people accountable. I hope that they will grow up to be boys who call out rape jokes, stand up against people calling girls sluts, and as they grow older, have the courage to make interventions, just like these two Swedish students. And perhaps one day, stand together with others who are making demands to end discrimination against them because of their gender, class, race and citizenship status.

Imagining possibilities

To me, the feminist movement has inspired women and men around the world to be more than what they are supposed to be. This reimagining of our world is also important where it comes to raising boys. The ideas that boys are strong, leaders, masculine, stoic and naturally aggressive is proving to be more harmful than helpful. Raising boys for me also means that they are able to safely express who they are, in the home, so that they have the courage to do so outside the home.

This includes crying. This includes feeling sad. It includes an eight-year-old’s attempts to work out the complexities of friendship with its heartbreaks and laughter. Or pushing Bunny in a pink pram in the park at high speed. Charlie tearing after reading that Cleopatra killed herself after realising Anthony was dead. Charlie wearing a paper crown proclaiming that “I am a queen! I am a queen!”. Neil wrapping his purple blanket around his waist, channelling Elsa and belting ‘Let it Go! Let It Go!…” This includes acknowledging Neil’s distress by not continuing to watch The Good Dinosaur after the scene in which Arlo’s father dies (I mean, seriously, Disney, I am still haunted by Bambi’s mom).

Really, it does not matter. What matters is that they are comfortable in their own skin and are able to have a healthy relationship with themselves and others.

It takes a village

Raising feminists is about critiquing, and breaking away from narrowly defined ideas of what is acceptable. It is not easy, against patriarchy’s currency of male privilege. However, thankfully, ‘nasty women’ and men are everywhere, building their villages in spaces such as the Amelia Bloomer Project that recommends literature with strong girls and characters; forums on raising feminists; and just parents reaching out to other parents, supporting each other in wanting their children not to be confined to set roles in their lives because of a penis or a vulva.

To these women and men, I will be celebrating International Women’s Day with you. Together, we celebrate our struggles and in solidarity, let’s rock the world.

By Tze Yeng Ng

Tze Yeng worked in advertising and  made a leap to work in the non-profit sector. Fourteen years later she is contemplating her next chapter. She does this as her two boys, eight and six, raise her with their daily lessons in love and laughter within their organised  chaos.  

The post Raising My Boys as Feminists appeared first on Makchic.

If you’re still basking in the glow of International Women’s Day, it’s probably a good time to ask ourselves why many people, including women, shy away from feminism.

For those of us afraid to call ourselves feminists, what exactly do you think feminism actually means? Hating men? Having a pushy and aggressive personality? Not being feminine? Having a tendency to be oversensitive, with no sense of humour?

Why Feminist, Why Not Just Humanist?

The myth that feminists are anti-family man haters is not only ridiculously inaccurate. It perpetuates a negative stereotype and stigma that hurts the larger cause. At the heart of feminism is just the radical notion that women are people deserving of equality. So it’s probably not the principles of feminism most of us have an issue with, but just the label.

Some may ask, “Why not just call yourself a humanist instead of a feminist?” “Wouldn’t it still be better to have a general movement toward all human beings instead of more specific ones like feminism? Doesn’t feminism create a divide based on gender that we should be working to diminish?”

Being specific does not mean being exclusive

Good answers are given to these questions by an article in Everyday Feminism , an insightful online magazine driving an alternative approach to the movement. The piece explains, “Being specific does not mean being exclusive.” Saying that we can’t have feminism because we should only focus on general human rights is like saying we can’t have oncologists because some doctors are general practitioners. Oncologists are specialist doctors who are more equipped and informed to fight cancer, and share their expertise with the entire medical field.

Be the change you want to see in the world

True feminism is inclusive, compassionate, supportive and powerful. In that respect, becoming a mum in many ways can make you more of a feminist, without your even realising it.

We talk to some special mums who practice a brand of “Everyday Feminism”. Women who not only want to live in a world where everyone is treated with respect and able to fulfill their true potential, but have also taken that extra step to act on their convictions to, paraphrasing Gandhi’s famous quote, “be the change they want to see in the world.”

Hartini Zainudin

Meet Hartini Binti Zainudin, 55, “a mad, single, full time working mum.” Tini, as she is affectionately known to friends, wishes she could stay home and be a bit more hands-on with her four legally adopted children. Her children are now 22, 12 (two boys) and 10 years of age.

Tini is a well-known child activist who works with children at risk who are marginalised and discriminated against. Her work focuses largely on children who are stateless or abandoned (foundlings) and refugee kids needing medical help. Tini admits, “I tend to gravitate more towards the mothers in the work that I do. I have an affinity towards single mums because I’m one of them. I know what it’s like. We’re not all that different except God’s been kinder to me.”

I realised that you can’t protect children if you don’t support the mothers too.

She was inspired to support mothers in need when she first started working with children, “I realised that you can’t protect children if you don’t support the mothers too. You just see what children need – they need their parents.”

Tini talks modestly about her very meaningful work, “I laugh when people call me the baby collector. I’d like to think I’m a protector of children but I do go around with a bassinet or my makeshift baby car carriage to carry babies home to their new families. I also take young pregnant mums for their maternal checkups or sometimes hold their hands during labour. After birth, I bring their personal needs, new baby clothes, milk powder and rice to their homes.”

Tini wishes for a community center catering to families in need, so that “we can all take care of one another.” She also hopes and works for better maternal care for poor mothers and their children, as well as better food, educational and medical services for this marginalised group.

“I help one child, one mum at a time. Why not help?”

What keeps her going during difficult times when her energy and personal resources are stretched is her passion for protecting the rights of children and their mothers. Her simple yet significant philosophy is: “I help one child, one mum at a time. Why not help?”

Her message to makchic readers who would like to support her work and start their own meaningful projects: “Go to our Yayasan Chow Kit website (link to www.yck.org.my) to look at the work we do and how to volunteer. I think people should see what they’re passionate about and volunteer first. Get a sense of what you want to do. Meet other like-minded people and learn.”

Claire Sancelot

Back in the 1980s, a four year-old child watched her parents recycle paper and glass in the French city of Lille. Today, that child is 41 year-old Claire Sancelot, Director of The Hive Bulk Foods and full-time working mum to three little girls – a seven year old and a pair of six year-old twins. The French National married to a Malaysian is also founder of Zero Waste Kuala Lumpur .

“Honey, We Don’t Waste”

Zero Waste is a lifestyle philosophy that encourages the redesign of resources and their life cycles so that all products are reused. Claire promotes this philosophy through The Hive , her Bangsar-based bulk foods store with the cute tagline “Honey, We Don’t Waste”. The store also serves as a platform for her other work that supports women and larger communities.

Claire shares that she started The Hive to “provide our customers with the best quality produce at the best prices; bring people a huge range of bulk food products; support Malaysian suppliers and producers where possible; to greatly reduce packaging and waste; provide customers with the best possible service; have a great selection of organic, gluten-free, Paleo and vegan products; and to support local communities and charities.”

Claire states proudly, “We are all about empowering women.” The Hive prioritises partnerships with businesses in Kuala Lumpur that are founded by women and single mums that include makers of soap, shampoo, laundry powder, detergent, jam, and condiments, amongst many other products. Their jam maker is a single mum of two.

“As women, we are often treated as second class citizens. Even animals receive better protection than us.

The Hive works with Tanma Federation, a group that empowers Burmese women refugees through handicraft. Tanma women make many products used and sold by The Hive, like its bulk bags and makeup removers. The Hive has sold hundreds of bags made by the Penan ladies at Helping Hands Penan. They also work with OA Organics, a community enterprise owned by the Orang Asli that is mainly run by women.

Claire explains why she has chosen to principally work with women owned businesses, “As women, we are often treated as second class citizens. Even animals receive better protection than us. If a woman beaten by her partner has nowhere to go, the police will still send her home. If it were an animal, the police would take the animal away from the perpetrator to keep the animal safe.”

“Women still do not have equality so our goal is to empower women as much as possible, give them work. Even though women make up half of the population, we still do not have real equality. We still do not have equal pay and our lives are more in danger. At home, there is a lot of spousal abuse. At work we face sexual harassment,” she adds.

“Your work should be your passion, I fully live my passion.”

On what drives her life’s work, Claire emphasises, “Your work should be your passion, I fully live my passion.” She encourages makchic readers to “buy products made by women, best if made by local women. If you buy your foods from supermarkets you will not empower anyone except large corporates. If you buy your food from places like The Hive you are empowering KL women. The way you spend your money has a massive effect on the community.”

Rohani Jelani

The words “feminist” and “kitchen” do not usually make a happy pair but Rohani Jelani, 59, well-known home cook and mum to three grown-up children aged 29, 26 and 23, debunks the myth that a “woman in the kitchen” can’t do much more than cook. In fact, Rohani is proof that we should keep women in the kitchen, simply because even the most educated and decorated of us are starting to realise that the kitchen holds the key to our wellbeing and harmony as families, communities and whole countries.

As a recipe developer, Rohani helps food companies to develop recipes that use their products in the best possible way. In today’s terms, this translates into recipes that are relative fuss-free and for the vast majority of the population. Rohani has always felt that eating deliciously and healthily go hand in hand.

“Knowing how to feed yourself is surely one of the most basic and important of life skills”

Rohani believes that food must not only look appealing but also be “approachable”, “You shouldn’t need to be a star cook to make it and to hunt down a load of exotic or expensive ingredients before you can attempt it.” So she likes to strike a balance between making a recipe interesting (because who would be inspired to cook a boring recipe?) but also practical (as readers will be turned off by complicated multi-step recipes with a long list of ingredients).

Rohani hopes that more people will get back into the kitchen to cook – even if it is just for themselves or for their families. She ruminates, “Knowing how to feed yourself is surely one of the most basic and important of life skills?”

“I never thought I would see the day when a woman would consider an expensive saucepan as a status symbol!”

She recalls the time when she first joined the work force in her early twenties, “It was still common for a woman to announce, with a certain degree of pride, that she didn’t or couldn’t cook because that told people that she had a far more important job. Fortunately, now the tables have turned. Thanks to celebrity chefs and food channels, cooking has become so cool and trendy that it’s no longer cool to be a dunce in the kitchen! I never thought I would see the day when a woman would consider an expensive saucepan as a status symbol!”

Rohani strongly feels that if there is one thing that could have a major impact in improving the health of our citizens, it would be bringing back cooking and nutrition into the school curriculum. She believes that if, by the time our young people left school, they had the basic skills how to cook and make healthy food choices, perhaps our rate of obesity and diabetes would not be as alarming as it is now.

Janice Tan

In ancient times, women never did it alone. We would have the support of a tribe, something that is often sorely lacking in our modern age. So, sometimes, feminism is about giving birth to a tribe that acts as a support system for others. Janice Tan, 43, mum to three children aged seven and six (twins) is the founder of one such tribe: the Twins and Triplets Malaysia Facebook Group. When she is not being a full-time parent (a role she considers the most fulfilling and demanding role she has ever taken on), she also works for the Australian property company that she co-owns with her husband, a company that not only provides opportunities for investing in properties in all major Australian cities but also flexible work opportunities with attractive packages for mothers, including single mothers.

“There was no warning that life would change so drastically.”

Like many others, Janice struggled at first with infertility issues. When she was blessed with her first child and eventually her twins, she found that her whole life changed. She shares, “I experienced happiness at one end of the spectrum but also exhaustion at the other end. There was no warning that life would change so drastically.” When she was expecting her twins, she had a very difficult time searching for specific information about twin pregnancies as well as breastfeeding and caring for multiples.

This motivated Janice to start the Twins and Triplets Malaysia Facebook Group in 2012 with the intention of helping other families like hers, in their blessed but also challenging journey of parenting multiples. The group now has almost 1,500 members and usually tries to meet face-to-face annually. Janice hopes to be able to continue to grow this peer support group organically together with her friend and co-administrator, Clare Wong and to keep it as a free-from-profit platform. She also has a vision of organising various events focused on education and parenting, providing work opportunities, financial and budgeting advice, and in some cases, counseling.

Janice believes that good support starts at home, just like any form of kindness. So she often encourages members of the group to lend a hand to help their spouse or family member, and to refrain from judging other parents for their parenting choices. She notes that parents of twins or triplets have a higher risk of post-natal depression. So, everyone should try to be kinder and refrain from responding to requests for support with harsh words and actions.

Start with a clear purpose and plan as a purpose-led project

Janice’s advice for those who wish to start a Facebook Group to support other women and families is to start with a clear purpose and plan. Janice feels that focus is important. Making an operational profit is justifiable but she has seen many projects on Facebook start with great purpose and intentions get derailed when greed gets in the way, bringing the original vision to a standstill. She also feels it is very important to acknowledge the contributions of the tribe. Twins and Triplets Malaysia is an idea she put into motion but she attributes its success to her friend and co-administrator, Clare and all the members who help to keep the group robust and relevant with their contributions and responses that support other members.

Shenola Gonzales

Shenola Gonzales, 41, is a full-time working mum to two children aged six and two. She is co-founder of The Good Shop, a social enterprise enabler programme run by MyInitium Sdn. Bhd. that will be three years old in May 2018. The retail pop-up shop is a retail aggregator of products created by social enterprises and NGOs. Their tagline? “Giving Opportunities Daily”. Shenola likens it to “a departmental store that does good by retailing products that make an impact on social, environmental and cultural causes.” For example, it carries products made by single mothers and women with disabilities (although the shop is all-inclusive).

Businesses built on empowering other women and mums

This helps these groups make a living and empower them with a sense of purpose and knowledge that their products are market worthy. Shenola believes that it is important to support such businesses as they in turn impact causes that include disenfranchised communities. The Good Shop also promotes its causes through the Direct Education Programme Activities (DEPA) that it runs.

The idea was first conceptualised when Shenola’s business partner went to East Malaysia and came across a lovely handbag made by a social enterprise. This product had too many commercial barriers to overcome to reach Peninsular Malaysia. Yet she realised that if it could be placed in mainstream malls, it would be more easily sold. Shenola and her partner decided very quickly that they wanted to create an all-inclusive platform to help social enterprises that faced similar issues. The Good Shop’s client list has grown from five to over 40 in a short space of time, and this includes many businesses built on empowering other women and mums.

With The Good Shop, Shenola shows us that even something like shopping can be approached in a mindful and meaningful way. That there are products made by social enterprises that are as good as mainstream products. Every time someone shops at The Good Shop, their money goes further as not only are they buying a product, they are also helping to sustain a business that has doing good integrated into its processes.

Social Enterprises are not Charities

However, Shenola emphasises that makchic  readers and anyone who would like to start meaningful projects need to assess if these are sustainable. “There is a common misconception that Social Enterprises and by extension, The Good Shop, are charities. They are not as they do business for good but also to turn a profit. It is important to ensure that projects create quality products that are profitable. Otherwise, it is not viable in the long term as good intentions are short-lived and do not deliver meaningful change.” Shenola invites anyone, both individuals and corporations, who would like to support or collaborate with The Good Shop to reach out to them at https://www.thegoodshop.com.my.

Feminist mums do what they do best and in the process, making life better for other women and their families. Do you know any feminist mums in your community? Tell us about them, we’d love to hear their stories.

By Li-Hsian

Li-Hsian left a career in corporate communications to become a full-time mum to twins. She is learning new things daily as she tries to balance the romance of motherhood with the messy realities of her latest role.

The post Mums We Love Who Practise Everyday Feminism appeared first on Makchic.

Chinese New Year is almost here, and preparations are underway for new clothes, eve dinners and ang pow packets. Parenting books and websites often talk about the benefits of tradition and ritual and how they provide stability and familiarity for children.

But for the second time in my nearly four decades of life, I have no travel plans for Chinese New Year. Since Grandma passed on, we no longer travel to Sitiawan for the celebrations. Instead, we hang out in KL and PJ and get excited about driving around with hardly any traffic. Although these days, traffic in town can still be heavy, because many others have also stopped going to Taiping, Sungai Petani, Melaka, or whichever hometown they once went to.

So I’ve been wondering, how do you pass on traditions and rituals you grew up with when the context in which they were practiced no longer exist?

Tree-lined driveway

Chinese New Year for me, always started with the journey back home to Sitiawan. Loading the bags, Mum forgetting something and making Dad turn back, heavy traffic, and finally, driving up the 200-metre gravelly driveway to Grandfather’s house, set amidst six acres of rubber trees. Grandpa, Grandma, and Great-Grandma, would come out and greet us, and when he was younger, Grandpa would wash our car, travel-stained from our journey.

Then, would come the wait for my cousins. My sister and I were often in the upstairs front room, with two floor-length windows with wooden shutters overlooking the long driveway. I can still hear the crunch of the gravel as their car drove in, followed by banging car doors, loud voices, and the pounding footsteps running up the steep staircase with the dark timber boards. Once they arrived, Chinese New Year officially began.

The next few days would be busy ones – pinching Grandfather’s chalk to draw hopscotch patterns on the concrete outside, picking out new and shiny rubber seeds from amongst the dead leaves, and playing hide-and-seek amongst the trees. Once, in a modified game of team hide-and-seek, my oldest cousin placed me under some banana trees and told me to wait there; which I did, even when a long, black snake dropped at my feet from the tree above and slithered off.

The clan

My Great-Grandmother lived till I was 14, and we stayed in her house. She had 10 children, and they in turn, had many children of their own. So, over the course of Chinese New Year, it was normal for us to receive over 100 visitors. We would often peek into the living room to check if anyone of interest had come to visit or whether there was a chance of adding an extra angpow to our tally.

One uncle would take us on a motorbike around the estate – three kids and one adult on a bike – bumping on the roots, laughing our heads off. Another would light fireworks with more glee than any of us kids. The adults played Gin Rummy to pass time over long hot afternoons, and when they put their cards down, we would take over and imitate them.

After the first few days, we would go visiting too – to my aunt’s medicine shop in Dad’s little town, and to Grandaunt’s house full of flowering fruit trees. We went every year, without fail, a familiar well-worn routine.

Even when we were grown, we continued these traditions of gathering, visiting and being visited. Grandaunt’s fruit trees were cut down, as she couldn’t tend to them. But, we still crowded into her living room, ate groundnuts, and talked about nothing for hours, which only families can do so well. And the uncle with the fireworks still lit them with the same glee.

New traditions

As they say, those days are now gone. Although not so long ago for me, as my grandparents lived long lives, and only left us in my 30s. The old traditions, practised for decades, disintegrated astonishingly quickly. Grandaunt’s family stopped going to Sitiawan after she passed. We stay in PJ, with one aunt still in Sitiawan, and others in various places, or on overseas holidays.

It’s a new era, and I know we can make new traditions for our kids; we don’t have to replicate our childhood for them. I’m organising a lunch gathering with some of the old crowd a week before Chinese New Year, before people disperse. And we have a four-table gathering with friends, which modern wisdom calls the new family. We visit and are visited, as before, just with different faces.

Still, a part of me misses the old days and wishes my son could have experienced some of it. And that watching the acrobatic lion dance at 1Utama and driving around KL because your mother loves the jam-free roads, doesn’t quite live up to six children running around unsupervised on a rubber estate, with snakes falling out of the trees.

Making memories

I dropped my son off recently at my mother-in-law’s, and before we left, he protested, saying he wanted to go with me instead. He was asleep when we got there, so we carried him down. As we crossed the threshold, he heard his cousin’s voice and his eyes popped open. He got down and they walked off together chatting, my son immediately forgetting about my existence; lost in a made-up world of their own.

It was baking day at my mother-in-law’s and they were the first to sample Ma-Ma’s mouth-watering kuih bangkit, which she makes only for Chinese New Year. We will have a big feast on eve night, and new year food on the first day, which after 12 years of marriage, I am still not entirely used to (I’m looking at you – waxed duck and lap cheong). We will sit in my mother-in-law’s 50-year-old sofa set and talk for hours about nothing, as families do so well. There will be love, acceptance, familiarity and fun, which are all childhood memories really need to be precious. My son doesn’t know it yet, but he will miss these times one day.

By Ding Jo-Ann

Ding Jo-Ann is a full-time mum, part-time writer, and once-upon-a-time lawyer.

Makchic’s tips for creating new family traditions:

Image Credits: Ding Jo-Ann

The post My Story: The Chinese New Year Traditions I Grew Up With Are Gone appeared first on Makchic.

In ‘Mums of The World’, we ask mothers from around the world about their cultures, traits, babies, parenting and unique traditions. This week we look at the unique ‘7 Bulanan’ tradition – seventh-month baby shower tradition of Peranakan Indonesians, better known as “Benteng Chinese” – a mixed descent of Native Jakartan and Chinese, similar to the Malaysian Baba Nyonya.

7 Bulanan Baby Shower

The seventh-month baby shower is one of the most important traditions for expectant mothers  in the Benteng-Chinese community, especially first-time mothers.

Who are the Benteng-Chinese? This community in Indonesia dates back to as early as the 1400s. They are among the earliest Chinese immigrants who arrived in Indonesia, specifically Jakarta. Later on, under the auspices of the Dutch East India Company during the Dutch colonial era, more of the community arrived in Indonesia.

Initially populating the area of Tangerang, Banten and West Java, the Benteng-Chinese are famously known as ‘Peranakan’. Their heritage carries heavy mixed influences of Betawi (native Batavia/Jakartan descent) and Chinese.

Certain cultural traits and traditions of the Benteng-Chinese are also heavily influenced by the Javanese and Sundanese ethnicities of Indonesia. The ethnic Benteng-Chinese do not speak Chinese, they converse in Indonesian. They are also fluent in the Sundanese and/or Javanese dialect.

The 7th Month

This traditional ceremony is very close to the Javanese and Sundanese baby shower. The belief is that this tradition acts as a blessing  for the infant and mother to have a safe and smooth delivery.

We followed Lina and Elsie through their seventh-month ceremony that left us with a sense of amazement at how this tradition brought friends, family and neighbours together.

The day begins with prayers and offerings to their ancestors. They pray that the mother and infant continue to be safe, and for a smooth delivery. Offerings of fruits, turmeric coconut glutinous rice called ‘Nasi Kuning’, traditional cakes and snacks with coffee or tea symbolise gratitude for granting safety to both the mother and infant throughout.

The praying ceremony takes around 20 minutes to complete. The expectant mother proceeds to assemble a unique version of ‘Rujak’ made with 7 ingredients.

The unique traits of this ‘Rujakan’ is that the whole family (mostly the women) will come together and prepare ingredients comprising shredded pomelo, pomegranates, round white turnips, rose apples, pineapples, grounded chilli paste and brown sugar.

The expectant mother will then have to mix the ingredients and create her version of the Rujak, without the privilege of pre-tasting it.

“If the outcome taste is refreshing and sweet then it is believed that the baby will have a calm and introverted temperament. If it comes out to be spicier or with an uneven taste, it signifies a potentially bolder and more rebellious baby on the way,” said Lina amid her excitement in assembling her Rujak.

The first 7 jars of the Rujak will have to be distributed by the expectant mother to close family (parents, in-laws, siblings) and the elderly. The remainder will then be distributed to all the other relatives, friends and people around the neighbourhood.

After the Rujakan, the expectant mom will then be given a traditional pre-natal massage by a traditional elderly masseur who understands the Chinese-Benteng 7 Bulanan tradition.

A pre-natal massage and gender

The massage will then continue with a symbolic 7 flowers floral bath. It is basically a water bath mixed with 7 different colourful fresh flowers.

This bathing ritual is performed by the masseur, husband, elderly in the family like the mother or mother-in-law or grandmother.

The masseur will perform a blessing, followed by a ritual of rolling an egg from the head of the expectant mother slowly down her body, through her torso area, over her baby bump and over the groin, following the birth passage of the baby. The egg will be left to roll off the mother’s body from that point.

Elsie explains that “if the egg is smashed or breaks apart, it signifies that the baby will be a girl; if it withstands the fall or merely cracks then it signifies a baby boy.”

Known and greeted as ‘Mak’,  this traditional masseur is 99 years-old. Shehas been a traditional masseur and mid-wife for more than five decades.

The baby shower is a very important and unique traditional ceremony for the Benteng-Chinese. Family and friends from near and far as well as people around the neighbourhood will make time to visit the house to offer their well-wishes.

Post natal

After the delivery, Elsie and Lina had to go through 40 days of confinement. During this time, they are required to stay at home and eat special food  that has been prepared to help them with recovery after child-birth.

They are attended to with daily traditional binding and post-natal massages. During this period of time the mother is not allowed to shower or wash her hair.

As for the precious new-born, they are not allowed a bath until their umbilical cord drops. They will be attended to by elders, usually the mother or a confinement lady.  A confinement lady understands the customs, and aids with food preparation and bathing the new-born.

By Dessy Barnaby

Dessy left her PR career in exchange for perfecting her critical negotiation skills with her two children. She has found solace in writing and is now a freelance writer.

The post Mums Of The World – The 7 Bulanan Baby Shower [Peranakan Indonesians] appeared first on Makchic.

As women, and especially as mums, it’s easy to be filled with admiration and amazement at the achievements of Dr Jezamine Lim. She obtained a PhD in Stem Cell and Tissue Engineering, becoming the first woman in Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia (UKM) to earn a doctorate in the field. The inspirational news left a lot of other mums wondering ‘How?’

How did she do that while mothering 3 kids and managing her husband’s career and household?’ Naturally, society started calling her a ‘Super Mum’.

I truly admire her achievements. As a mum to two girls, I dream that my girls will someday achieve greatness and make a difference. But it is that hope that is actually making me more aware of my own status as a ‘regular mum’. One who doesn’t make headlines and stays at home full-time to care for the kids. Ask any regular mums in your circle and you may find the typical reaction to Dr Jezamine’s news are the same as mine. There is always a deep admiration and awe at first. Then what follows is a sense of inferiority and underachievement – that we will never be a ‘Super Mum’ like her.

Having It All?

The truth is, for you to be able to ‘have it all’, you need an incredible support system. One that can help care for your children while you dedicate those hours to your career or your passion. It could be parents or family members, or a high quality daycare or trustworthy domestic helper.  These people need to carry out the vision that you have for the kids’ well-being and development. Without this tight-knit support, something has definitely got to give.

And not all mums have the kind of support that they can really trust.

Not all mums can go and pursue their ambitions whilst ensuring the best for their little kids. For some, giving the best to the kids means giving up on their personal ambitions, in the hopes that their kids get to achieve their full potential.

Tough Calls About Childcare

Take my decision to stay at home, as an example. Faced with the option of sending our children to daycare or hiring a new maid after our previous maid left, we had a tough decision to make.

Daycares that were affordable to us didn’t meet our criteria, such as having closed-circuit television that streamed online for real-time viewing, bilingual carers, or a low ratio of babies to carers. On the other hand, daycares and playschools that were of a better quality had a long wait list and also didn’t come cheap!

As for hiring a new maid, not only did that cost a tonne of money upfront, there was no guarantee that you would get a good one. Leaving the kids with a new maid without any supervision also did not sit well with us.

Apart from the lack of affordable yet high quality childcare options, there was also a strong pull factor for me to become a stay at home mum and put my ambitions on hold. According to UNESCO, early childhood (From birth to year 8) is a time of remarkable growth, with brain development at its peak. Children in this stage are highly influenced by the environment and the people that surround them.

My husband and I considered our circumstances. The best bet we had to ensure the kids were well cared for in all aspects was for me to stop working and be a full-time mum. And the scary part is that it really is a bet – we will only know the outcome of our decision in many years to come.

Many kinds of sacrifices, many kinds of mums

We all make our own sacrifices in our own unique circumstances.

Some mums shy away from promotion at work. They want to avoid longer hours or frequent travels, so they can be more present in their kids’ lives.

Some mums need to strive and excel in their work. This is in order to afford good education for their kids and provide a better future for the family.

Some mums choose to stay at home. There is the lack of a trustworthy childcare option to help achieve all that they want for their kids.

These mums are all around us. They won’t be making headlines or put up on any pedestal, but it doesn’t make them any less super!

No fixed template

The point here is that there isn’t a fixed template of how a ‘Super Mum’ should be.

We should celebrate all mums who give their best in their very own way. They may be sacrificing their time and becoming the most efficient multi-tasker at work or study. They may be sacrificing their careers to give the best care to their kids.

Here’s to all mums I know, you are all super in your own ways!

By Farah Bashir

Farah Bashir used to drive the National Transformation Programme as a management consultant, but has since put away her power suits to be a stay-at-home-mum to two lovely girls. Some days, she wonders why she traded intelligent problem-solving debates for negotiations with a toddler about changing diapers.

The post My Story: I will never be a Super Mum like her appeared first on Makchic.